As gay men, many of us pride ourselves on being good lovers. Sex is an important part of our lives and relationships.
Just look at all the dating sites, hookup sites and apps that are out there, and one of the major factors leading to breakups with partners is lack of sex or dissatisfaction with our intimate lives.
It’s been socialized into us since boyhood that to be a man means to be sexually virile, experienced and good at it. This can put a lot of pressure on us and is often the leading culprit for the development of performance anxiety and sexual dysfunctions.
So when things start to go awry in the bedroom, many men become insecure, worried and preoccupied with it, and this only tends to perpetuate and reinforce the issues. It can also have adverse effects for one’s self-esteem and relationship with one’s partner if not careful.
One common sexual difficulty men can have is premature ejaculation. Simply put, this is cumming before you want to during sex.
Nothing can be more frustrating than when the dam breaks during sex before you feel you’ve had a quality session with your partner, particularly since most men have a lengthy refractory period before they are able to obtain an erection again after climaxing. If you experience this particular challenge, just know that you are not alone and that this situation is very treatable.
So what are some strategies for lasting longer in bed to enhance your sex life and go the duration? Below are some tips and tricks to help jump-start your sex life and have your partner begging for mercy.
1. Obtain a medical exam
The first order of business before you do anything else is to pay your doctor a visit to get a physical exam.
There are many causes of PE, usually of a multidimensional nature, including physical illness, injury, medication side effects, psychological issues, stress, relationship problems and sexual skill deficits, to name a few (Metz & McCarthy, 2003).
You’ll want to rule out any possible medical causes before diving into the other options.
2. Stretch out your foreplay stage
This seems like a no-brainer, but many men in the excitement of things go straight for the wam-bam of the sexual act and neglect all the good stuff that’s involved in the preliminaries.
Stave off penetration with lots of fantasy, touching, caressing, kissing and sucking to get both your desire meters cranking. Most of the fun of sex is the anticipation and build-up, so slow things down and enjoy the whole process. Switch to other activities if you feel you’re getting close to blow.
And when you do go all the way, slow down the tempo. The jack-hammer technique, while definitely hot, can accelerate the release of orgasm until you’ve learned how to control your body’s reactions.
3. Stay out of your head
Anxiety is a big sex killer. If you worry about cumming too fast, not only could that self-fulfilling prophecy come true, but then it could also create difficulties with obtaining and maintaining an erection.
In addition, the old distraction tales of thinking about something else while you’re having sex are ineffective. When you’re in your head, you’re no longer in the moment and are robbing yourself and your partner of pleasure.
Whenever you find yourself drifting into your head, redirect yourself back to the here and now and practice focusing on your partner and your body sensations. Read up more on the concept of “mindfulness” to get skilled at this.
4. Give your PB muscles a workout
Ever heard of Kegel exercises for women? We men can do a similar workout by strengthening our pubococcygeus muscle that extends from the urinary sphincter to the anus. These exercises involve tightening and relaxing this muscle (imagine urinating and then stopping the flow and then releasing again).
By building your PB muscles, it’s been documented to help with PE issues and aids in stronger erections. Here’s a good slideshare that describes this in more detail.
5. Get educated on tantric sexuality
Tantric sex is an ancient practice for increasing awareness of sexual energy and enriching the whole sexual experience instead of just the genitals.
One of my favorites specific to gay men is “The Gay Man’s Kama Sutra” by Terry Sanderson.
6. Try the squeeze and stop-start techniques
With the squeeze technique, just before the “point of no return” when you feel yourself about to have an orgasm, squeeze your member. Some proponents suggest the base of the penis, while others suggest pressing the shaft of the penis firmly between the thumb and forefinger.
The stop-start technique is like “edging” in which you stop sexual activity at the moment of inevitability until the feeling of orgasm subsides and then resume. You keep doing this repeatedly to prolong your session.
In both techniques, your body begins to get conditioned to stave off orgasm so you are able to last longer over time. Practicing these techniques is usually best begun with solo masturbation sessions and then integrating your partner. It’s also usually more helpful to obtain the guidance of a sex therapist or coach to help you through this process.
By trying these on for size, you’ll find yourself enjoying longer and more satisfying sexual sessions with your partner. For more on this subject, I highly recommend “Coping with Premature Ejaculation” by Michael Metz and Barry McCarthy as a valuable resource.
So go enjoy yourself! And be sure to come up for air!
Metz, Michael E. & McCarthy, Barry W. (2003). Coping with Premature Ejaculation: How to Overcome PE, Please Your Partner & Have Great Sex. Oakland, CA: New Harbinger Publications, Inc.
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