The first and most important rule to dating in our little lesbian world is know thyself above all else. It seems obvious, but let me tell you that it’s not so easily done.
When you are lonely, frustrated and you don’t want be alone for another weekend, holiday, birthday or vacation without a girlfriend, those feelings can be the tipping point into really bad relationship choices.
When we let these feelings make our choices for us, we’ll hook up with the first “decent” woman who comes along, even when we know she’s wrong for us.
Would you stop doing that, OK?
Every single lesbian I meet and work with tells me it’s really hard to meet women. It doesn’t matter if she lives in New York City or a tiny village in Alaska (though I think the village in Alaska could win the contest for hardest place to find a date!)
In my work as a dating coach, I talk to gay women every day who have no idea who they really are deep inside.
What’s the problem? Well, it means you compromise yourself at the core of your being.
There is tremendous power and peace that comes to the woman who takes the time to really know herself — the good, the bad, the ugly and the beautiful delicious and juicy parts.
Why is this so important that it ranks as Rule #1? Because in our little lesbian-dating world, I see too many women compromise their own identity to be in a relationship and then are heartbroken when it doesn’t work out.
Women are more naturally relationship focused, and with that, you tend to start relationships by compromising yourself.
“Bringing your whole self to your dating life
means you’ll end up with a much better match.”
“And what’s so bad about that?”
OK, let me tell you. A couple of things are really wrong with compromising at the start of a relationship.
First, you’re holding back parts of who you are, and eventually that will blow up on you.
Secondly, you’re compromising because you think at some point something will change about the woman you are dating. Can you say, “Not going to happen”?
When you don’t show up in life and relationships as your true self, that costs everyone. What if you’re not sure who you really are deep down inside? Then you need to take some time to find out who is in there.
Compromise is really important in a committed relationship, but it’s the wrong choice to make when you are dating.
To be clear, this isn’t about what restaurant you eat at or what movie you see together. It’s about compromising on who you are, what you believe in, what you value and what you want to create in your life.
Amputating your dreams, your goals or your values to date any gay girl is just a disaster waiting to happen. It’s a problem that can’t be solved and will end your relationship.
If we sat down to have a chat about dating, could you tell me the five to 10 things that are absolute requirements for you in a relationship?
I don’t mean the color of the walls in your bedroom or what color eyes you want your true love to have. I mean things like being completely out of the closet, trust, honesty, sobriety, monogamy, humor, adventure, respect, passion, financial responsibility, family-focused, independence or maybe commitment to self-awareness.
What’s on your list?
- Can you tell me your deepest values?
- Can you talk about what you really need in your life to feel connected and valued in partnership?
- Does your partner need to be completely out?
- Does that matter to you and impact your lifestyle.
When you know and own these truths about yourself, you stop compromising on who is a serious candidate for a relationship.
That also means you’re far less likely to jump into bed with Ms. Wrong For You and end up in a mini-marriage that will never make you happy.
Bringing your whole self to your dating life means you’ll end up with a much better match and a much better chance for a long and lasting lesbian love.
If you don’t have a list of requirements, then start one right now. Get a pen and paper, or open up Word on your computer, and get that list going. And take a minute to share your requirements in the comment section.
This is great , Mary. I can see this being helpful to a lot of women. We really do judge ourselves based on what the popular demand says we should look and act like. It’s always been an issue, lesbian or not, how girls should “be” so I can see where a lot of women who are shy are just trying to battle off the negativity.
Hi Cori_87,
If any woman can get a firm grasp on her own truth, value and self worth there’d be a lot less compromising and unhappy relationships.
And for women who are shy, there are strategies you can use to help you overcome the barriers created by being shy. I love having clients do role-playing, actually practice how to ask a woman out on a date. Improv lessons are a great way to get more comfortable in uncertain situations and another way to overcome shyness.
When there’s a will there is a way!
I know so many friends that changed who they are fo date someone, not cool
You are so right. It’s not cool because eventually the real you shows up! It only takes about 3 months and that’s when you see lots of relationships break up.
My search for Ms. right has been hard but I do definitely look for certain criteria. Here is my list of must haves:
Someone who is out of the closet
Someone who finds me funny and likes to laugh
Kind hearted and caring
Romantic
Does not smoke
No substance abuse problems (including alcohol)
Good communication skills
Someone who shares the same long term goals as I do
Family oriented
Someone who can accept someone who is motherly (nurturing and caring)
I believe that those things are important and they are some of the first questions I ask. I am not interested in being with someone who doesn’t fit this criteria as these are the fundamentals to me.
That’s great you’ve made yourself a list to follow when on the hunt for a match! Good luck, Tanya!
I’ve known what I need from a relationship for sometime, and I’ve never met anyone who ticks all of the boxes. I have met a few women who tick the most important of the boxes, however they are all, without exception, already in committed relationships. So all that are left are the compromise candidates.
Like our lesbian dating coach says “Dating is discouraging,” but it’s a battle we’re all fighting when searching for the right person to love. Check out another article by Mary: Lesbian Dating Doesn’t Have to Be Discouraging.