Has She Lost Interest?

Kara Pound Kara Pound • 9/25/14

Reader Question:

In my short life, I’ve experienced heartbreak like everyone else, but what I endured has made me a bit paranoid about relationships and I’ll explain why.

My first relationship ended when my girlfriend broke up with me, called me back the next day saying she made a mistake, and cheated on me within the next couple of weeks.

Then one of my biggest crushes starts getting pushy about me sleeping with her. I myself was a virgin at this point, so I was little nervous about the whole thing. I told her she had to leave her current guy first, whom she had a child with, before I would even think about it. She eventually lied to me and told me they were over. She ends up leaving me, breaking my heart, nearly destroying my family and goes back to him all within two months.

Last January, I met someone new that I really hit it off with. The only real issue was that she’s 17. She had just gotten out of a relationship, and I told her there was no pressure, but there was clear mutual attraction. After a couple of weeks, we start dating. The first few weeks were great, and we were having great time. But over the last two weeks, we’ve barely communicated and haven’t seen each other.

She’ll text me every now and then, but when I text her to say “hi” or “I miss you,” she either takes forever to respond or doesn’t at all. I only do this when I feel we haven’t talked in a while, so it’s not like I’m overloading her. As a matter of fact, I’ve decided to give her space until she feels like talking.

I did bring up one time that she was being kind of distant, and her response was “I’ve been distracted.” So my question is simply this: What do you think is going on here? I’ve had all kinds of thoughts run through my head like: Is she cheating on me? Is she losing interest? Am I annoying her?

I try to keep in mind that she is 17 and not get too emotionally invested. Right about the time I think she is losing interest, she texts me again and has given no outward expression to wanting to end the relationship. In short, I am royally confused and would like an outside opinion. Anyway, thanks for reading.

Sincerely,

-Danny Z. (Washington)

Expert’s Answer:

Dear Danny,

First and foremost, thank you so much for taking the time to reach out. Secondly, I’d like to remind you that you are 21 and have your whole life ahead of you. In the beginning of your letter, you say that ex-girlfriends have made you a “bit paranoid about relationships.” Could you imagine if we all gave up on dating at age 21? Very few people would find a life partner.

As for the new girl – the 17 year old – keep in mind she is still a teenager. The furthest thing from her mind is a serious relationship. You said it yourself: “I try to keep in mind that she is 17 and not get too emotionally invested.” Your gut is telling you the answer. Teenagers are like cats – just when you think they want nothing to do with you, they jump into your lap seeking attention.

If you really like this girl, then ask her to sit down and talk. Find out if you’re exclusive or if you’re both allowed to date other people. Be honest with her. Yes, she’s only 17 but she should be able to tell you want she wants.

My other advice to you is this: Remember that your 20s are supposed to be the most exciting and carefree decade of your life. It is a time to find who you are, start a career, finish up schooling, meet all different (and new) kinds of people and go on plenty of dates. It seems like every time you meet a woman, you put a lot of stock into her being “The One.”

Hope this helps,

Kara