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|Sam Stieler • 9/25/14|
There are few aspects of a relationship more difficult than running into serious problems and finding yourself faced with making the decision between salvaging your connection or cutting ties. In that moment, you will find yourself coming up with just as many reasons to stay as reasons to move on.
Why is it so difficult to determine whether a relationship is worth saving or not?
Your relationship wasn’t always on the rocks. You didn’t always doubt whether you wanted to be with her. There were times when you thought you knew exactly why you were together, what benefits the two of you experienced through your relationship, why you made such a good match, and why your relationship was an incredibly positive aspect of your life.
Go back to that time. Think back to it. Sink back into that place within your heart. Return to that moment and figure out why, during the best of times, your relationship worked.
This answer is different for everyone. Some relationships work because men find their woman incredibly beautiful. Other relationships work because the sex is so good. Still, other relationships work because they provide extremely comfortable companionship.
Regardless of what worked in your relationship, you need to ask yourself if that quality is still present in your union. Do you still find your woman charming and beautiful? Do you still enjoy having sex with her? Do you still feel comforted by the warmth her presence offers?
If the original benefits offered by your relationship are still present, you need to ask yourself why you have begun to doubt your union. Why, all of a sudden, aren’t these benefits enough to keep you satisfied with your woman?
“Chances are, if you’re questioning your relationship,
then this bored disillusionment lies at the heart of
what’s going on between you and your woman.”
Given enough time, all pleasures lose their appeal. Comfort eventually becomes a prison. Charm and beauty lose their luster. Incendiary sex becomes boring. And when this happens, relationships fail to appeal.
You see — all of the above pleasures are nothing more than the tangible details of your once-working relationship. They are simple, easy-to-latch-on-to explanations for what made you feel incredibly excited to be with your woman. None of them hit the truth of what actually pulled you to your woman. None of them provide a good explanation for what’s missing in your relationship and why it no longer feels “right.” None of them tell the real truth of what goes on in your relationship during its good and bad moments.
Your relationship will feel exciting and worthwhile when it forces you to grow. Your relationship will feel uninspiring and debatable when it causes you to become personally stagnate.
At first, the raw expressions of new experiences of comfort, beauty and sex will be enough to energize your life and push you to explore new elements of yourself. But if you take them for granted, if you accept them for nothing more than their surface-value pleasures, then they will eventually bore you.
I’m suggesting that at least 90 percent of the time relationships “fail” because the glosses of comfort, beauty, sex and all the other tangible details of a working relationship disappear with time. Whether it takes days, weeks, months or years, eventually you will tire of the easy wins offered by your relationship and you will seek something deeper.
Chances are, if you’re questioning your relationship, then this bored disillusionment lies at the heart of what’s going on between you and your woman. If you and your woman are able to “go deeper” and begin to find new positive ways to challenge each other to grow, then your relationship is worth salvaging. But if the shine wears off, and you realize there was never anything beneath it in the first place, then it’s time to let go and move on.