I’m Introverted. How Do the Quiet Meet New People?

November 9, 2012
I’m Introverted. How Do the Quiet Meet New People?

Reader Question:

I’m 30 years old. I’m a decent-looking guy with a decent lifestyle. I’d certainly say I am introverted initially, but once I get to know someone, I am definitely a chit-chatter. I’ve never had a girlfriend. After a very, very, very short string of women who could tolerate being around me for short lengths of time, I gave up.

Oddly enough, being completely void of any new women in my life for two full years was amazing. I just get bored of being alone all the time. Ninety-eight percent of my friends are married and incredibly boring.

How do the socially inept and quiet meet new people?

-Not a Real Name (Canada)

Dr. Wendy Walsh’s Answer:

The biggest message I got from your email is that your lack of a love relationship is affecting you self-worth. You describe previous girlfriends as “women who could tolerate you” and you end by saying you are “socially inept.” That breaks my heart.

Here’s the good news. Social skills can be learned and are taught to adults by all kinds of therapists. I highly suggest you get to the bottom of what you think might be scaring off women. It’s not fair that you should be alone.

And the other bit of advice is this: When we fear something (in this case, rejection by a woman), we tend to clam up even more.

I suggest you stop trying to meet women and instead get involved with group activities where plenty of women participate. Volunteer at any number of charities, join your neighborhood association, find a religion or yoga and meditation class.

Get out there, give back, and enjoy your life. Single women will notice.


No counseling or psychotherapy advice: The Site does not provide psychotherapy advice. The Site is intended only for use by consumers in search of general information of interest pertaining to problems people may face as individuals and in relationships and related topics. Content is not intended to replace or serve as substitute for professional consultation or service. Contained observations and opinions should not be misconstrued as specific counseling advice.

Dr. Wendy Walsh is the author of "The 30-Day Love Detox"" (April 2013). Connect with her on Google+.

Related Topics:
Shy Daters Where to Meet Women

8 Responses

    i’m a shy person too so its hard to met people it’s not easy to go up to men eithr

    I feel like I’ve done all those things (going out, activities, charity) and single women still don’t notice. I don’t know what else to do and i feel alot like you Not a Real Name.

      C. Price
      Cynthia (DatingAdvice.com)

      Don’t try to overwhelm yourself with the list of activities you may participate it. Instead, has someone caught your eye at one of those charities you belong to?

      Kindly approach them and start a conversation about the charity itself- you already have one thing in common, use it as a starting point!

    Hello again, Im the questioning introvert.
    Thank you for answering my query, Im kind of surprised it was mine you chose. Anyway, believe me, its moreso heart-breaking for myself than it reads for you. I really just dont know how or where to meet people anymore. I belong to a gym. Im enrolled in 2 adult-learning classes. I couldnt tell you the name of a single person that attends any of them. I live in a shell. And its not intentional anymore, I just dont know how to do it anymore. I cant simply raise a flag that says “Open for Business” and hope someone approaches me, but if I see someone Im attracted to, my mind is still set on the fallback of: shes cute… anyhoo…..

    I dont know how to do it anymore. Im certain that when I used to see someone across a bar from me, I could have an idea of how to approach them to strike up a conversation. Nowadays, if Im at a bar and someone makes eye-contact with me, I dont know what to do. I look at them, then I look away, then I put it out of my mind because its just off-putting. Thats how “off-road” I am right now. Yikes.

    Ramblin’ man. I’ll stop for now…

      C. Price
      Cynthia (DatingAdvice.com)

      Don’t discourage your “rambling,” you’re merely a curious person with honest intentions.

      In my opinion, you have great opportunities to meet someone you have similar interests in! Put yourself in their shoes for a little bit, if a stranger or a kind person walked up to you and asked you a broad question, you may or may not respond-right? It’s all a hit or miss, don’t think too far into it. People have their own thoughts, problems, and to-do lists running through their mind. Interrupting them for a few seconds may bother them OR open them up to a great conversation with you! Try not to over think a simple glance or mere encounter, we’re all sharing this big world, might as well interact, right?

      If this is all easier said than done, take small steps. Don’t jump into a crowd of 4 other people expecting to carry a conversation with all of them. Someone on their own or with a friend next to them could be a bit easier. Some basic tips: be brief, non-intrusive, and leave with a smile. You’ll leave a kind impression :)

    What if you live in a small city ,that not much happens in ,then were to look for women ?

      C. Price
      Cynthia Price (DatingAdvice.com)

      Hey Carl! Have you tried getting involved in any local organizations? Sometimes even the smallest social groups have the largest web of connections. I like to recommend our readers to our reviews page of online dating sites. Feel free to check them out! http://www.datingadvice.com/reviews

    Unsure about things

    What local organizations? there are none in my town other than religious ones. Probably some 40-50 miles away in other counties, but no reliable transportation. So where exactly does one find groups then? Regarding the link since its dating sites, been there, never a response. I do get it, the world is a social place, requiring salesman like pitches, networking, and vehicle access to do anything. So i do get why I feel like there are no options for me. And yeah, I’ve seen therapist before and presently. Last few simply advised to move out of the area feeling that I will always have a difficult time fitting in anywhere.

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