My Girlfriend is Asexual. Am I Stupid for Being with Her?

Dr. Wendy Walsh Dr. Wendy Walsh • 9/25/14

Reader Question:

My girlfriend is asexual. We don’t have sex and we don’t kiss, which is completely fine. She has crushes on lots of people constantly. By crushes, she means her favorite people, which again is fine because they aren’t romantic. I was the second person she met who defied that definition. The first person is the problem here. Since me and her got into this relationship, he’s apparently stopped talking to her. She told me she loved him, but she went on to say it was more familial.

I’m not sure whether I believe her about that. I really love her, but I can’t share her love with someone else.

Am I being stupid?

-Emyrs (Wales)

Dr. Wendy Walsh’s Answer:

Let me get this straight. Your girlfriend is a self-identified asexual but you are not? Yet you are fine with this. Except that maybe there’s a guy in her past who she wasn’t quite so asexual with. And he’s the problem. Because you’re jealous of him.

There’s one thing missing in all this left-of-center relationship – your needs.

My answer is so simple: Figure out what YOU want in a relationship. Ask yourself how much this girl is worth compromising for.

And, for goodness sake, forget the ghost of her past, unless she’s dangling his memory in front of you to deliberately make you jealous. Then you have to ask yourself why she needs to aggravate you.

Could she be insecure and loves to rally the green monster in you for her own self esteem? Lots to think about.

But step one: Get in touch with your own feelings and let her have hers.


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