She Doesn’t Want to Be Exclusive. What Should I Do?

Gina Stewart Gina Stewart • 9/25/14

Reader Question:

I met this girl on ChristianMingle. Two months into talking on the phone, I hid my profile and asked to fly to see her. We had a great time. After I got back, I bought a ticket for a month later to see her.

A week before the trip, she got a big promotion, so I asked if I could send flowers. She said she was angry for me wanting to send flowers, seeing them as “territorial.”

I asked if she saw me as a boyfriend. She said she didn’t want to be exclusive but she still wanted to see me. I said I can’t continue because I’m getting too attached to her for this to not be exclusive, especially with planning complex trips. Then she immediately flipped to asking me to be exclusive.

What should I do?

-Chris (Nebraska)

Gina Stewart’s Answer:

Establishing long-distance relationships is very tricky to maneuver when you’ve never lived in the same place from the get-go.

While you may have had a wonderful time together, don’t get caught up in what I call “The Bachelor” syndrome. That is, going on mini trips and adventures creates an illusion of connection and romance that isn’t built to last because that’s not how real-world relationships work.

As such, it’s easy to see why she could feel both emotionally attached to you and still be afraid of exclusive commitment.

Don’t put the cart before the horse here, cowboy. It sounds like you have potential for sure, but at this point, you need to take your time. Try to continue getting to know one another as best you can in the circumstances.

To avoid pricey flights, schedule lots of Skype dates, play interactive games on your phone together and rent/watch movies and shows at the same time.


No counseling or psychotherapy advice: The Site does not provide psychotherapy advice. The Site is intended only for use by consumers in search of general information of interest pertaining to problems people may face as individuals and in relationships and related topics. Content is not intended to replace or serve as substitute for professional consultation or service. Contained observations and opinions should not be misconstrued as specific counseling advice.