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|Dr. Wendy Walsh • 9/25/14|
My girlfriend of six to seven years and mother of my two daughters (3 years and 7 months) broke up with me for three years. During a drop in our relationship status, I had another child from a very old good friend/ex-girlfriend. It’s been three years since the situation. I did everything to show I’m still in love with her.
Then we had our newest daughter, the 7-month-old, with me thinking this will close the gap in the relationship bridge. But it’s the total opposite — less sex, more arguments and her proclaiming she’s not into sex right now and I can go out and find a girlfriend or sex buddy if that’s what I want. She doesn’t see herself ever accepting my other child from another woman and doesn’t see me and her getting back together.
What a sweet mess of baby-love and baby-mama drama. Hold on to your seat because I’m going to give you some straight talk about how you can “man up” here.
Right now there are three people whose needs should come well before yours — those THREE children.
They are your genes and your responsibility, and no matter what happens with their mothers, you need to find a way to be a solid presence in their lives. You matter to them. Trust me on this.
But here’s the sticky part. The only way to do this while your children are young is to find a way to work things out with those two baby mamas.
I suspect both women feel threatened by each other. One has postpartum body and mind and is probably feeling overwhelmed with a toddler and infant. Sex should be the last thing on your mind right now — unless you want to have more hungry mouths to feed and another baby mama to fight with.
Here’s what a real man does in a situation like this.
He decides how much time and money he can allocate to each child. Then he has a separate meeting with each of the mothers and tells her exactly the kind of relationship he wants to have with her and her child.
I suspect the “old/ex-girlfriend” wants some clear definition of your fatherhood and friendship relationship, too.
But the mom in crisis is the one you want to close the gap with.
FYI, darling man, babies don’t seal relationship deals. They add a ton of stress and can more often lead to a breakup.
So, now the real work comes. That may mean being a gentleman and keeping it in your pants for a while so you give care and concern to a mom whose body and mind are healing after a second childbirth.
She needs you to help with the kids, get food on the table and give her the short breaks she needs to get a clear head again.
This, smart young man, is where the rubber hits the pavement in relationships. Are you up for it?
I sure hope so because your children need you to be. May the force be with you — Daddy Power!
No counseling or psychotherapy advice: The Site does not provide psychotherapy advice. The Site is intended only for use by consumers in search of general information of interest pertaining to problems people may face as individuals and in relationships and related topics. Content is not intended to replace or serve as substitute for professional consultation or service. Contained observations and opinions should not be misconstrued as specific counseling advice.