The Jealousy Has Started. What Should I Do?

Dr. Wendy Walsh Dr. Wendy Walsh • 9/25/14

Reader Question:

I’ve been seeing this girl off and on for three years. At first it was all good, but then the jealousy started.

She has kids that are not mine, but I love them as if they were mine. I even gave up my daughter for her and her kids.

She says she loves me more than I’ll ever know, but she asks me to leave and never come back.

I do leave for a month or two, but then she will say she missed me and loves me so much.

What can I do?

-Alonso (New Mexico)

Dr. Wendy Walsh’s Answer:

Dear Alonso,

I’m going to explain her psychology to you, and then I’m going to give you a stone-cold look at your choices here.

She appears to have classic abandonment issues. Now logic would tell you someone who fears abandonment would act very kind and tread carefully so their partner wouldn’t abandon them.

But the truth is people who are afraid of being left destroy their relationships to confirm what they believe – that all men will leave them.

She is doing classic textbook behavior – pushing you away with her jealousy and anger. And you are in a losing game to prove you won’t leave her.

Trust me, she’ll up the ante and increase her negative behavior until you prove her right.

Here are your choices:

  1. Enter therapy with her so her fear and damaging behavior can come to light.
  2. Stay until the end, which will certainly get worse.
  3. Get out now and use that loyal behavior with a much more important young lady – your daughter!!!

She needs you and I promise she won’t leave you.


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