As humans, we have evolved to compete. Indeed, we compete for everything from jobs to parking spots. But perhaps the biggest competition we face is in the race for the best mate.
Of course, the “best” mate means different things to each gender. Men tend to prefer youth and beauty while women are attracted to the breadwinners. This makes sense when you consider the “survival of the fittest” mantra of humankind.
Both of these are related to the survival of your adorable, little offspring. Youth and beauty in a woman indicates fertility, and a fat wallet in a man’s pocket indicates resources to feed those hungry little mouths.
But what about people for whom fertility and money are not enough? What about people who date outside of their league? Why do some people aim for the Adrianna Lima or the Bill Gates type, when a perfectly attractive woman and a financially solid man may live right in their middle class housing development?
They do it because they can.
At least they have the self-confidence to try. Humans love to organize themselves in hierarchies, and sexual alliances are the best way to climb the ladder and jump social classes.
Think poor Cinderella who earned a prince or the Rapunzel from Disney’s “Tangled” who elevated a street thief into royalty. But there is a downside of dating outside of your league. It doesn’t always work out.
Social class clashes are a common impetus to divorce. And attempting to climb too high on that ladder can knock you down, leaving you scrambling to close a romantic deal as your biological clock ticks down.
That’s why most people safely date within their league and the competition for mates becomes one of vying for the top dog or dogette within a particular social group. It’s the best way to ensure that your offspring will survive while minimizing the risk that you will end up mate-less.
Have you ever wondered about those who date down?
For instance, the educated, successful man with the less educated, less attractive wife or the hot woman who marries a bum. That’s when personal psychology trumps anthropology.
There are many reasons for people to date down, from low self-worth to highly compatible attachment styles.
Some people choose a mate who is “less-than” to insure loyalty and prevent cheating. Others have a distorted self-image and believe that dating down is actually peer dating.
Then there are those who simply fall “in love.” What I mean by that is they have complimentary needs in terms of care giving, care receiving, emotional intimacy and sexuality.
And when you’ve got all that, who needs money and fertility?
“They do it because they can” – LOL, that’s the best line in the article Wendy
I find though that the main reason some people are obsessed with dating outside their league is a lack of self-esteem. Those who are insecure often think that landing a “trophy” will make them feel better about themselves and life itself.
@ Steve, how do you find this out or what study are you referring too?
I know that insecurity is what the majority of people think is the reason behind people pursuing mates who appear to be “out of their league,” however, from my experiences, I have found that there is no such thing as a “league,” and that it is pointless to try and uncover motives behind an “out of their league” couple. Love, beauty, and all other forms of attraction are completely subjective to each individual, so who are we to say that someone is out of another’s “league”?
@gerber You could be right. My observation about insecurity and “trophies” comes from personal experiences in watching friends in their relationships. But of course, by no means do my observations represent a broader case study with 100s of subjects, or anywhere close to it.
You make a good point about the whole premise of “out of one’s league.” Love is what it is, and just happens sometimes (or so I’m told
)…
That said, I’ve definitely seen relationships where one partner deserves someone FAR better than who they ended up with. For instance, an easy-going, business-owning engineer who people loved being around … dating a girl who did drugs, sat at home all day, collected on food stamps, and eventually cheated on him with two different men. He deserved better. He was clearly out of her league.
I agree. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. And at least for me, how much I like someone’s personality really affects how physically attractive they are to me.
So true, “Dr.” Steve. Sometimes people use other people as status objects. No different from a fancy car. But the healthiest people use more internal cues than external validation for their self-esteem.
Meh, I am a christian myeslf, and I don’t think this is really fair since there is a friend of mine whose a non-beleiver whom I really liked, because the way I see it Christainity and religion in general are starting too put barriers for us to prevent us from socially interacting with others unless if THEY ARE CHRISTIAN. If you love that person, go ahead and love that person, but please , why do religion have to disguished people’s relationships?
wendy, what is it that puts someone in a different league? seems like it’s just money for men, and physicial attractiveness for women?
seems like there needs to be an article about HOW to date someone out of your league. of course I would love to date a hot and rich guy, (even if he is a bit out of my league). if there’s advice for that I would love to hear it
Thanks for your recommendation @art.girl_8! I will reach out to our dating experts and see what kind of juicy tips they can offer.
Feel free to ask Wendy if you’d like to hear her advice by entering your question here: http://www.datingadvice.com/ask-an-expert