Do Sexual Acts Need to Be Tit for Tat?

Nick Slade Nick Slade • 11/16/12

It’s an interesting question, but the real answer depends on your partner — and on you.

Let me start out by saying that sex, like the relationship as a whole, has to involve roughly equal amounts of giving and taking from both sides. You both have to put just as much into it, but it doesn’t necessarily have to be the same things.

As a woman, you most likely know what it’s like to feel like you are putting more into your relationship than your man. It’s kind of a downer you bury inside yourself because you just don’t know how to bring it to his attention without hurting or angering him.

It can put a kind of wall between you, or it might even end up with an outburst when you just can’t hold it in any longer. The same is often true for men when it comes to sex.

Talk to each other. Find the source of the objection in a nonthreatening and loving manner. Educate each other and take baby steps if you really want to solve this dilemma.

Unfortunately, you can’t count back rubs, breakfast in bed and washing his socks as the way in which you make up for holding back certain “duties” between the sheets. After all, you don’t let his larger contribution to the rent balance off your larger emotional commitment. The payback has to be part of the sexual experience.

As I said at the top, the real answer depends on you and your partner. If he is thrilled with the total experience you are providing, and you are equally satisfied, that’s all that matters. But if you sense he wants more, or if you want more, talk it out.

An unsatisfying sexual routine can doom your relationship. Good sex, like everything else, requires compromise.