His Friend is Too “Friendly.” Should I Just Ignore It?

Dr. Wendy Walsh Dr. Wendy Walsh • 9/25/14

Reader Question:

I have been going out with my boyfriend for three and a half years. He has a friend he is close to. I heard she flirts with my boyfriend and tells him she loves him, but he does not add on to her flirting.

I don’t like her because of the fact she is “too friendly.” I have confronted my boyfriend about it, but he just gets mad at me and it ends up becoming an argument.

Should I just ignore this?

-Aubrey (California)

Dr. Wendy Walsh’s Answer:

Dear Aubrey,

The issue here has less to do with the other woman’s behavior, which you can’t really control anyway, and more to do with your boyfriend’s reaction to your expressing concern.

His anger could be because of one of the following:

  1. You express your feelings in a confrontational way that invites a defensive reaction.
  2. Your boyfriend also does not know how to control this woman and his frustration in dealing with a brewing cat fight makes him angry.
  3. He may feel guilty that he is encouraging her (or worse!) and anger is his defense against that guilt.
  4. You have a tendency toward expressing jealousy that he is fed up with.

The first step to solving this is for you to examine the two choices you have control over.

Are you asking in an angry way, and do you have irrational jealousies? If both of those don’t pass the snuff test, then you may consider the other two.

Truly, some guys get very confused about the complexities of female emotions and he may just be frustrated because he doesn’t know what to do.

Finally, you might also ask yourself what is going on in your relationship that makes you muster insecurities. At the three-and-a-half year mark, you may be interested in a firmer commitment.

I think there’s more to your feelings than just a spat over a flirty girl.

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