Hmmm…so the man of your dreams is interested in you, but he’s also dating a few other women. How should you handle this? Can you win his heart and get him all to yourself in a monogamous relationship? Or should you just avoid the whole situation?
No two scenarios and no two guys are alike, so it’s hard to answer this in a generic way. But there are certain guidelines and red flags you should consider.
Sex as a commodity.
Let’s start with a good rule of thumb: Sexually active relationships should be limited to committed or exclusive situations. I’m not going to preach morality to you, and I understand this is the 21st century. If you are just looking for a good time with no strings, then do what you want to do. But, if you are on a train to a meaningful, lasting partnership and he’s on a trolley car with a sex stop at every street corner, it’s a recipe for disaster.
Let me tell you why. To varying degrees, men like a few particular things about a woman. They like your beauty, wit and intellect. They like the warmth of your heart and the support of your kindness and tender touch. And they like sex. A good relationship depends on a healthy balance of all of these things.
Good relationships work because you both like those special things about the other that only he or only she can offer. Players like things about women that they all have in common. To them, sex is a commodity. It doesn’t matter where you get a bushel of corn, a barrel of oil or a bar of gold. They are all pretty much the same, regardless of the basket they may come in. They are commodities. Their value is identical across the entire world market.
The more women a man has been with, the more difficult it may be for him to discern or care about the special differences one particular woman has to offer. Like a bear that spots a bees nest, he just wants the honey. The conquest becomes the end in itself, and the thin relationship is just the means for keeping you on a string so he can jerk you back for another round of passion when the mood strikes him. If you’re not playing the same game, tread carefully.
“If your goal is to make him yours, then you have to
become so much more than a convenient commodity.”
Turning his lust into love.
Maybe your guy really isn’t a player. Maybe he just hasn’t found the woman of his dreams who can capture his heart and make him want to settle into a real relationship. Maybe he doesn’t even know what real love is. If he’s worth taking the chance, then follow your heart.
Remember that you control the physical aspect of a relationship, which is your power over a man. Your ability to get him to need you on a personal and emotional level is the ultimate power that will bind him to you for the long term.
So, how do you accomplish this alchemy? How can you parley his physical need and desire for you into a committed love connection? Glad you asked!
If you want to stand out from the other girls he’s dating, you have to be the one who is not just in his bed but also in his life. First of all, don’t let every date end up in the bedroom. You’re a fabulous lady, and he will still want to see you again. Men like a challenge. Besides, if there’s one thing that drives a man crazy, it’s experiencing the exquisite fireworks of a home run and then being denied the opportunity to step up to the plate the next time he wants to take a swing. Chances are he’ll do what it takes to get there again.
In order to make him long for your physical charms without starting an argument, don’t make every date an evening that is attached to certain end-of-night expectations. Have a daytime date with him. Go to the county fair or amusement park. Go to the rodeo in the next county. Go to the new exhibit at the science museum.
Try to do things together that are just part of everyday life — no pressure, no expectations, no strings. Don’t just deliver the goods to him in a gorgeous, perfumed package. Meet for coffee and billiards after work. Have some actual fun together with your clothes on. Laugh together and force him to see the amazing girl inside of you. Text him one nice picture of the two of you having fun together.
You should also try to do some ordinary things together. Have a laundry date — not where you do all the work, unless he’s grilling the steaks. Rent a movie, get a pizza and invite some other friends over so it doesn’t become sexual. Wash your cars, walk your dogs, jog, party with your friends or his friends — together!
Why do these things? Because now you’re the girl who has worked her way into his real life. You’re the girl he thinks of first when he wants to share some good news or needs a shoulder to lean on for comfort. You’ve become part of the image that appears in his mind when he thinks about his life. You’re in his head, which is just a few short inches from his heart.
If you’re both just out for a good time, there really are no rules. But if your goal is to make him yours, then you have to become so much more than a convenient commodity.