How to Get the Spark Back in a Relationship: 10 Tips From a Love Coach

Women's Dating

How to Get the Spark Back in a Relationship: 10 Tips From a Love Coach

Rachel Dack Rachel Dack • 8/09/17

If you’re in a long-term committed relationship, you might notice the level of passion has changed since the early days of dating. This dip in desire is common as your relationship progresses, and it’s not necessarily a sign that something is wrong. In fact, it’s considered normal for passion to shift as time passes, the relationship becomes more stable, and you grow more attached.

It’s natural for the initial feelings you experienced during the dating stage to fade as you grow more comfortable with each other. It’s important not to be alarmed by any changes in your relationship or how you feel toward your partner, especially during major life transitions. Instead, look at any fluctuations in desire as a sign that you’re now in a different or new relationship stage, such as moving in together or having children. With this awareness, you can work on putting positive energy back into your relationship through intentional action that fosters intimacy.

If you’re adjusting to a new relationship stage, or are feeling bored, stuck in a rut, or missing the thrill you once felt, there are numerous strategies you can employ to give your relationship a boost. Here are 10 tips for getting your spark back:

1. Try Something New Together

It could be anything that sparks your interest and speaks to novelty and excitement — taking a cooking class, signing up for ballroom or salsa dancing, go-carting, learning a new language, hiking, getting a couple’s massages, bowling, etc.

Photo of a couple dancing

Stepping out of your comfort zones together is a great way to learn about yourselves and your relationship. Photo source: DanceNationAtMars.WordPress.com.

Relationships thrive on shared experiences, so don’t be bashful about jumping out of your comfort zones and challenging yourselves together. Focus on getting excited about new opportunities to experience the world as a couple, and create a pattern of engaging in these sorts of experiences.

2. Plan Surprise Date Nights for Each Other

It’s easy to get stuck in a comfortable routine and do the same thing day in and day out. While there’s nothing wrong with curling up with Netflix and calling this time together a date, it’s important to shake things up if you’re feeling bored or dissatisfied.

Photo of a boyfriend surprising his girlfriend

These don’t have to be elaborate or expensive — you could even cook a nice dinner at home and have it waiting when he or she gets home from a long day.

A change of pace is healthy, so take turns planning date nights for each other. Elements of excitement, surprise, and anticipation mixed with romance and love go a long way to fuel your relationship.

3. Change Your “Getting Ready for a Date” Routine

These days, especially if you’re living together or have children, making it on time to a dinner reservation can feel like a mad dash out the door. Getting ready side by side also takes the fun out of wowing your partner.

Photo of a woman putting makeup on

Getting ready in separate rooms will make date night even more fun and exciting!

Mix things up by dressing up for dates and getting ready separately before you debut your final look. Remember, confidence is sexy!

4. Kiss and Cuddle A Little Longer and More Often Than Usual

Kissing and cuddling are essential for your connection to stay alive. The fast-paced nature of life can wreak havoc on your love life if you aren’t intentional in your actions.

Photo of a couple cuddling

Spend five extra minutes holding each other before rushing to work, or turn a peck into a lingering kiss that they’ll think about all day.

Incorporate physical touch, such as hugging, kissing and hand-holding, into your daily lives, regardless of whether these acts lead to sex.

5. Spend More Quality Time Together Without Technology

These devices can make it difficult to be fully present and available to connect.

Photo of someone turning a phone off

Your phones and laptops will only distract you from each other, so put them away or turn them off for a while so you aren’t tempted. Photo source: ProjectRenovation.org.

Make an effort to be attentive and put all forms of technology (and work obligations) on the back burner (temporarily), so you can ensure you are getting in genuine quality time and putting your partner first.

6. Ensure You’re Not Participating in Any Relationship Damagers

For example, this list includes, but is not limited to, affairs, neglected communication, disrespect, angry outbursts, abuse, and violence.

Photo of a couple fighting

Cheating, a lack of communication, non-stop fighting, and taking one another for granted may commonly lead to a loss of spark in your relationship.

Here’s where you can learn more about Dr. Gottman’s four communication styles (aka The Four Horseman) that predict the end of a relationship. And agree to get professional help if relational damage is interfering with your spark.

7. Don’t Be Shy About Flirting and Being Seductive

Flirting makes the beginning of a relationship fun and exhilarating while breeding attraction and connection. While it may sound unnatural or strange, flirting can be easily included at any stage of your relationship.

Photo of a couple in bed

Sending sexy texts, whispering something sweet in your mate’s ear, making eye contact — all of these things can help light a fire again.

Let your partner know how attractive you think they are, leave secret flirty messages for them to find, etc.

8. Be Grateful and Say Thank You

Trouble can occur if you’re taking your partner for granted or expressing less and less gratitude over time. Ideally, you’ll feel secure and relaxed in your relationship while getting into a good rhythm of demonstrating kind gestures to each other.

Photo of a love note on a mirror

Letting your partner know you appreciate them is one of the best methods for improving connection. Photo source: LosRodriguezLife.com.

However, your partner’s habit of cooking up a delicious Saturday brunch shouldn’t go unnoticed or become a rigid expectation. Make thank you a part of your daily vocabulary as being appreciative keeps your relationship healthy.

9. Be Open About How You’re Feeling in the Relationship

Sweeping negative emotions and relationship concerns under the rug may seem like the easier course of action, but putting a bandage on your problems won’t lead to resolution and getting back on track with your partner.

Photo of a couple talking

Instead of sweeping problems under the rug, address them head-on in a calm manner. Communication is always better than bottling up your feelings and building up resentment.

When communicating, remember to use positive communication strategies, such as I statements, to convey feelings and beliefs without assigning blame to your partner. Be direct, yet gentle, with your words and know that healthy communication is the foundation of relationship satisfaction.

10. Develop Yourself and Grow as a Person

Your own health and mood affect the quality of your relationship and how much you have available to give to another person, so make sure you’re taking good care of yourself and taking positive action to better your life. Also, your relationship will be under chronic stress if you’re leaving it solely up to your partner to make you feel happy and whole.

Photo of a woman with outstretched arms

To have a successful and fulfilling relationship with someone else, you need to also have a successful and fulfilling relationship with yourself. Photo source: MicheleHarveyAuthor.com.

Carve out time for your own interests, passions, and life goals, make sure you are acting in ways that are good for your mental and physical health, and build a support system outside of your relationship. If you’re feeling exhausted and stressed out by life, your love life won’t be a top priority and, therefore, probably needs some TLC.

All Relationships Have Peaks and Valleys — It’s How You Handle Them That Counts!

In general, view your relationship as something that needs to continuously be nurtured regardless of how it is going in the moment. Know that all relationships go through ups and downs, and how you handle the more challenging times and come back together is what matters most.

If you’re looking to get your spark back, understand it will not happen overnight. However, through deliberate action, there is hope for greater romance and intimacy in the present and future.