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|Rachel Dack • 9/25/14|
When a relationship ends even though you long for it to continue, lingering feelings of loss and sadness (among others) commonly surface.
You may feel heartbroken and devastated if it was his choice to end the relationship, or you wished you had acted in ways that might have prevented the breakup.
Breakups can be excruciatingly difficult, especially if you have a special place for him in your heart and want him back.
How to get him back is a question and plea many of my female clients contemplate after a breakup and want my support with. Figuring out why they want him back and what it means to them is the first step to clarity, action and healing.
It is helpful to understand the potential reasons why.
If any of the five above questions resonate with you, you might want him back to satisfy your needs, calm your worries about being alone and single or put a Band-Aid over your insecurities about the present and future.
Generally speaking, these reasons signify you need to focus on taking care of your own health and needs, as well as investing your time in processing the past and moving forward versus spending your time and energy trying to get him back.
It also is crucial to not equate missing him with wanting to get back together.
You are supposed to miss him, as you lost a significant relationship in your life. This is a natural part of the grieving and adjustment period and not a sign you want him back or should try to get him back.
“You should never have to
convince him to be with you.”
If you want him back because of the man he is and the relationship you had together (instead of wanting him back from a needy place) and understand what you need to do differently to make the relationship function better, then focus on learning, growing and respectfully communicating with him.
This involves asking him to talk (instead of showing up unannounced, driving by his place, asking his friends to fill you in, etc.) and being honest with him about what you want and what you are willing to do to improve the relationship.
It is important to respect his need for space and/or time to think while staying calm and grounded.
Although it might be tempting, resorting to desperate measures does not work. In fact, desperate, dramatic measures and appearing too desperate will ultimately push him away and does not bring forth what you are looking for.
Resist contacting him in clingy, insecure or jealous moments, as these never go well and might lead to you getting the exact opposite of what you want.
If all goes well, you will have the opportunity to reunite and create a healthier, happier relationship. If he is not interested or responsive, you will have the opportunity to learn from the experience, heal and (with appropriate time and readiness) search for a man who is on the same page as you.
You should never have to convince him (or any man) to take you back or want to be with you.
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