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|Bethany Heinesh • 6/04/15|
If you’re in a relationship that seems to be falling apart at the seams, fear not. No matter how hopeless it may seem, no matter how deep the suffering, you can save a relationship. Whatever harm has been inflicted, whatever hurtful words spoken, whatever dirty deeds that can’t go undone, forgiveness is always an option.
Couples who already have within their relationship the very things needed to overcome life’s obstacles are already ahead of the game. Trust, respect and genuine commitment must be present for any relationship to last. If you are unabashedly in love with the man in your life, but the two of you just can’t see eye to eye at the moment, don’t panic. If you think you’ve reached the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on!
However, let’s get one thing straight. All too often, the question shouldn’t be: How can this relationship be saved? But, rather, is it even worth saving?
If you are in any type of abusive relationship, get out now! When dealing with a chronic cheater, compulsive liar or abusive partner, there is likely something seriously psychologically wrong with him — something far beyond your scope of “fixabilities.”
While it is instinctive to be a nurturing caretaker, there is a fine line between evaluating your partner and finding flaws that can be forgiven and becoming pathetically codependent. Millions of women have made the mistake of believing they have the power to change their partner. You must always remember you can’t fix anyone but yourself — and even that requires incredible strength and determination.
For those of you in a loving relationship with a man who honors you, I would venture to say you have something worth saving. But, if you’re not sure where you stand, here’s a suggestion that may help. Silence your mind and ask yourself, “Is this relationship worth saving?” Trust me, the answer will come. If in your heart of hearts, you know it cannot or should not be saved, take immediate action, cut your losses and put an end to your unhealthy relationship. Allow yourself time to heal and reflect on what kind of relationship you really want so you’ll stop settling for any ol’ thing that comes along in tight jeans.
When your relationship hits a rough patch, it can be very tempting to hit the road. No one ever said love and relationships were easy. In fact, most would agree that both require a lot of hard work and dedication. Love is not a feeling. It is an action, and being in a relationship demands a daily commitment. If you can’t tough it out with your partner through difficult times, you have to ask yourself” What is this relationship based on?
“Even though you may be blazing mad at
your man, remember that you do love him.”
You can save a relationship if it is based on mutual respect, no matter what you’re going through. The key to getting through the hard times is to remember the three C’s: communication, compromise and compassion.
Of course, any healthy relationship should already be founded on these three principles, but it is extremely important to apply them when you are building a bridge over troubled waters.
Walls come up, tempers flare, resentments build and neither party wants anything to do with the other. When you and your man have arrived at a place where you can find no resolution to chronic issues, it is time to have a powwow. The best place to have this critical conversation is over coffee at your favorite café. Public places have a tendency to put us on our best behavior, where both parties can talk as adults. When we’re at home or in a comfort zone, our screaming child usually comes out.
Remember this cardinal rule when communicating and you might actually begin to make headway: Seek to understand rather than to be understood. Listen with love and respond with respect. Until you both know and understand where the other is coming from, you will never be able to find a resolution to the problems that plague you.
Think about it. What do people fight about the most? Not getting their way! Whether the focus of the disagreement is money, controlling parents, sex, children, or who takes out the trash, the core of any disagreement is a power struggle. Nobody likes to be wrong, nobody likes to give in, and nobody likes to apologize. As a result, the smallest issue can become the biggest hindrance to intimacy. Make the decision that you are willing to meet in the middle. You may even make the big leap and choose to let your partner have his way a little more often.
Even though you may be blazing mad at your man, remember that you do love him. Do everything you can to maintain a level of respect in your relationship. Don’t fight dirty, don’t yell, scream and call names, don’t bring up the past, and don’t say or do anything to intentionally hurt the other person. If you make being kind a priority over being right, you will be amazed at the results.