I Want Clarity On Where We Are Heading. What Should I Do?

Dr. Wendy Walsh Dr. Wendy Walsh • 11/23/12

Reader Question:

Dating a younger guy 10 years my junior. It’s been nine months and still no title or definition. He just says he cares for me a great deal and thinks of me often. I feel for him but want more clarity on where we are headed, if anywhere at all.

What should I do? Give him more time or move on?

-Yvette (Virginia)

Dr. Wendy Walsh’s Answer:

Dear Yvette,

First of all, I admire your patience. You’ve waited the length of a pregnancy to give birth to this relationship. I hope you’re ready for the labor pains that are about to come.

But I must also point out, that as patient as you are, you also suffer from the same fantasy of so many women – that a man (a man!) will broach the topic of commitment, monogamy and relationship title. That a man will love a woman so much that he’ll get down on his knee and say something like, “Darling, I want to make you my exclusive girlfriend and forgo any other sexual opportunity.”

With all due respect to your tender female heart, men may do this in the third grade, but once they become adults, they only do it when it is specifically mandated. I think you know what I’m going to say next.

This isn’t going to be easy. And it’s going to involve some risks. But you’ve got to put your feelings and needs into words and back those words up with action. Nine months is plenty time to audition a mate. You seem to want to hire him for the job of boyfriend, so make him a job offer.

If he agrees to wear the crown and practice perfect boyfriend bedroom behavior – that is, he only checks in to yours – then you can celebrate. If he talks around the idea or tries to make it seem like you are being unreasonable, then it is time for you to walk.

Seriously. You’ve got to back up your words with action. You don’t need to get mad. You just need to happily move on. (Hint: Strong boundaries are sexy.)


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