I’m Looking for a Husband. Is it Bad to Have Casual Sex in the Meantime?

Dr. Wendy Walsh Dr. Wendy Walsh • 5/17/13

Reader Question:

I am a 36-year-old single woman. I am eagerly looking for a husband and am having a challenging time of it.

In the meantime, is it a bad idea to engage in casual sex with men I am physically attracted to? For instance, I have a “friend” I have been “booty calling” with for five years.

Do you think this is negatively impacting my chances of finding my long-term/forever guy?

-Catherine (Maine)

Dr. Wendy Walsh’s Answer:

Dear Catherine,

In a word, yes.

Every relationship we have affects every relationship in our future. When you are hooking up with your friend, you are training your body and mind to NOT bond.

Your body excretes oxytocin, the bonding hormone, during female orgasm and if you are having sex with someone you don’t want to bond with, your brain works hard to practice disassociation that can become habit.

You can train your body for anything. But the only way to train for monogamy is to abstain or be monogamous.

Also, when you engage in casual sex, you are surrounding yourself with a certain segment of the dating pool who prefer short-term relationships.

It’s very hard to attract men who are able and willing to commit when you are hanging out with players and those who can’t commit. That kind of man brings a certain anxiety that feels exciting, one that a commitment-oriented man won’t.

Don’t get attracted to intensity over intimacy. And you can’t have it both ways.


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