I’ve Become Close to Another Guy. How Do I Know Who is Right for Me?

Dr. Wendy Walsh Dr. Wendy Walsh • 11/23/12

Reader Question:

I have been dating my current boyfriend for four years and was pretty happy with our relationship. Recently I have become really close to this other guy who is a friend. I constantly talk and think about him.

I know we both share feelings for each other, but neither of us has fully admitted to it because we know I am in a relationship already and that I still love and have feelings for my current boyfriend.

Is there a way to help figure out who is right for me in this situation?

-Ashley (Indiana)

Dr. Wendy Walsh’s Answer:

Torn between two men. It is the story of many a romantic comedy and classic novel. The heroine has a perfectly good enough boyfriend and in walks a dashing new man just to make her hot, bothered and totally confused. Rest assured, you, Miss Ashley, are not the first woman to struggle with this dilemma.

When I found myself in such a pickle, I would take pen to paper and write lists of pros and cons about each man, filling columns and columns and, well, becoming more confused. Because, frankly, it’s really impossible to compare familiar, stable and comfy to exciting, new and dangerous. They both have some alluring strong points.

I will tell you this: The relationship that is right for you is the one you have with yourself. Are you being the girlfriend you’d like to marry someday? Are you handling yourself in a manner that holds compassion for both men? Are you teasing the new man for no reason except your ego? Are you beginning to tell white lies to your boyfriend so you can get a chance to run into Mr-New-And-Exciting?

The relationship that is right for you is the one you make right. I’d start by making right with your conscience. Break up, if that’s what needs to happen. But don’t stay on the fence too long, or you might be pushed off and land on the prickly side.


No counseling or psychotherapy advice: The Site does not provide psychotherapy advice. The Site is intended only for use by consumers in search of general information of interest pertaining to problems people may face as individuals and in relationships and related topics. Content is not intended to replace or serve as substitute for professional consultation or service. Contained observations and opinions should not be misconstrued as specific counseling advice.