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|Alex Matlock • 10/09/15|
Have you ever met someone, immediately clicked and then felt like a force was taking you over?
After this initial encounter, it does not matter what you do. You will not be able get that guy out of your head. You make a conscious effort to think about something else but seem to fail each time.
After the first encounter, you will keep thinking about your interactions with him, what each of you said, how he moved and how he reacted. You constantly think about the things you could have said but did not actually get the chance to.
You are constantly on your phone, checking to see if he said anything new. If he did, you get very excited and feel like your day just got a lot better.
After that, you spend an incredibly long amount of time trying to come up with the perfect thing to say back.
This continues as you start to go deeper in a relationship with this guy, but somehow you never seem to know exactly where you stand with him. This mystery keeps you in a constant state of alert, checking every sign and wondering if it is a bad one.
You will feel like you are on an emotional roller coaster, which is exhausting but very thrilling at the same time. The biggest fear in your life right now is the possibility of him leaving.
This fear is so strong that it somewhat controls everything you say and do.
You meet a guy but he does not seem really special. You like him, have decent conversations and give him your contact details, but you are not too anxious about hearing from him.
You feel good when he gets in touch but are not really stressed about when and why he has not called or texted more frequently. You give him more chances and go out a couple more times without expecting a lot from it all.
You may slowly start to see how your attraction begins to grow. Everything seems relaxed. There is not a lot of drama (if any), and you are not overly excited. It feels great.
After reading what I have said, you are naturally going to say the second one.
In real life, when it is actually happening to you, you will easily fall for the first. The first example represents everything we have ever known and wanted about love.
Unfortunately, dramatic relationships that take you on an emotional roller coaster ride are usually unhealthy and are often bound to fail.
Before you say anything, there are exceptions, but those are not common. This happens because that initial pull you feel toward the other person is guided by your unconscious desire to resolve some of your past issues.
Here is another example: If your parents made you feel like you were not good enough, you may be inclined to fall for men who treat you the same way. You may be drawn to guys who are full of themselves because you hope to rectify that issue from your past.
A different example would be if your father was critical and never said he was proud of you. You may be inclined to look for men who treat you the same way.
You might do this so you can win over their love and approval to make you feel better about yourself. This is an example of you trying to fix what your father did.
You do not make these decisions on a conscious level. They all happen instinctively on a subconscious level.
“Relationships are about how much
crap you can take from another.”
Consciously you are going to judge the things he says. Subconsciously you are going to judge everything else from his body language and tone, to the way he talks and the level of eye contact.
Everything gets judged by your unconscious. With that in mind, if your unconscious brain finds something in that guy, something that resembles an unresolved issue from the past, it will stand out and push you toward that person.
Subconsciously you also might seek out men who have a quality that is underdeveloped within yourself.
For example, if you are obsessed about work and always wished you were not like this, you may be attracted to a guy who is laid back and does not care about things the way you do.
Unfortunately, it is because of these reasons that unhealthy relationships always begin with a pull. The biggest downside is you never recognize them as unhealthy because when you are in them, your emotions take control and you are left almost helpless.
Great relationships develop in time.
Most great relationships begin very differently from dramatic ones. There is a mutual interest and attraction, which eventually grows into something a lot bigger with time. If you always rationalize this, your dating life will be changed forever.
The easiest way to get into a healthy relationship is to take everything slowly. This allows you and your potential partner to grow your level of interest in one another with time.
I know how hard it is to keep things objective when starting a relationship. This is especially true for women because they are more emotional, but it is the key to success.
This is why spending an insane amount of time with a guy, especially in the beginning, is a bad idea. You risk overlooking everything that can break the relationship.
Having strong feelings for someone is not enough to keep a relationship, especially because those feeling might very easily fade out in time.
Having common values and sharing some goals and interests is absolutely paramount. There will be things you are not able to live with.
Ideally you should always work out if you are both fundamentally compatible. Unfortunately, the only way to do that is if you take it slow.
It is natural to want to spend every waking minute with someone new you like. Unfortunately, if you do that, you will end up relying too much on the relationship for your own happiness.
Seeing someone so often does not allow you to take a break from all that emotional excitement and stimulation. It does not allow you to think about what is going on.
By the time you realize he is not that great, it will be too late because you have invested too much in the relationship and you are going to rely on the classic “love conquers all” cliche to justify staying with him.
You do not need to stop dating guys who make you feel a strong and immediate attraction. You should date both type of guys, but the secret here is to date smart.
Obviously, this will be a lot easier to do with guys you do not feel immediately infatuated with. You should force yourself to date everyone smart.
If you just started seeing someone, try to refrain yourself from seeing him all the time. Keep it at one or two dates per week.
Try your best to keep the phone conversations and texting to a minimum. Ideally you should spend one hour total doing this per day.
Doing this will allow you to get to know the other person, while giving you more than enough time to decide if he is right for you.
Instead, you should worry about how you feel about him.
You can avoid this if you just make an effort toward seeing him and your involvement with him clearly. Pay attention to his flaws and make a note of them.
Think about it this way: Could I live with these flaws for the rest of my life?
Nobody is perfect, so make an effort to see his flaws.
At the end of the day, relationships are about how much crap you can take from the other person. If there is crap you know you will never be able to get over, then that relationship will always fail eventually.
Remember the only way you are going to be able to see him clearly is if you can give yourself enough emotional space to clear your mind and think about it, while keeping a strong level of objectivity in the beginning.
This is the sort of stuff I discuss on my blog and in the free ebook I give out. If you want to increase your love life’s success, visit http://TheSingleWomanGuide.com – a place where the conventional “dating mindset” is thrown out the window in favor of more direct and fruitful methods of meeting, attracting and keeping a quality guy in your life.
Photo source: bp.blogpsot.com.