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|Nick Slade • 6/12/15|
“Pick up some chewing gum and a pregnancy test on your way over,” might be the last thing a guy wants to hear from his girlfriend. But there are plenty of other one-liners women toss out that drive men right up a wall. Ladies, please avoid saying these five things, and have a little mercy on the man who loves you.
He’s driving along and the conversation hits a lull as his mind goes about its normal, mundane tasks. A minute later, the sweet young lady next to him wants to know, “Are you mad?” He’s taken a bit off guard because there has been no cause for anger or any sign of displeasure.
Fortunately, he just kept that last thought in his mind and didn’t say it out loud.
Ladies, are you really that needy? To a guy, it just seems like you’re demanding constant attention — which you no doubt deserve. But how about just picking up the conversation instead of smacking him with a wet sponge?
Yes, baby, it’s all about you — really, truly, absolutely. Apparently you think the girl who just walked by in the tight mini is looking pretty hot and, for some reason, that makes you feel insecure. But, remember, he’s with you.
All of the possibilities that have been rolling around in his head for days leading up to this date are about you. You’re not really asking for the truth anyway, are you? Maybe she looks like Jessica Biel, and you’re a ringer for Miss Piggy. What do you want him to say? So you force him to be a big fat liar, but at least he’s your big fat liar.
He already told you how amazing you look when he picked you up, and you saw how his eyes marveled at every inch of your splendor. You don’t have to ask, sweetheart. You’re much prettier — and that’s the truth.
” It’s only right that you make the effort
to get in touch with your masculine side once
in a while and try to understand us.”
He senses that something is different. You’re not making eye contact with him. You’re giving one-word responses to everything he says. Your magical smile and vibrant energy are not evident anywhere. So he asks what’s wrong. And you respond, “Nothing. Everything’s fine.”
A man knows BS when he hears it. We may not have the most sensitive antenna when it comes to picking up emotions and signals, but we know when we’re in the dog house — and it would be nice to know why!
We know when our mystical enchantress is no longer enchanting and ceases to be amused by us. And we sense that we are one wrong word away from a flick and swish of her magic wand that will send us hurtling into the ceiling as she transfigures herself into a fire-breathing dragon before our eyes. I know we should know what it is without asking — but we don’t! Everything is not fine. Give us a clue. Let us fix it. Please?
Your ex is a very nice guy, but we hate him. We act nice around him, but really we hate everything about him. Our head explodes at the thought of him. We get nauseous at the sight of him, and we die a little every time you mention his name. After all, he used to kiss and touch you and see you naked. The least you could do is set him on fire and put him on a rocket ship to the moon. Or maybe someplace just a little bit farther that we can’t see every night.
Look, girl, your man is just 175 pounds of muscle and bone who’s trying very hard to be your super hero. Whether it’s playing Trivial Pursuit, fixing the car or making sweet love, we don’t want to be compared to your ex. Not ever. Get the picture?
Excuse me? Just a football game? And I suppose that will be just a dress that you pick out for your wedding. Sports are so much bigger than the game. They are how men bond. They represent the camaraderie that makes us all brothers.
When we meet the boyfriends of your group of girls, sports are what brings us together on a wavelength we all understand. When we meet your dad, we will have knowledge of a certain quarterback or wide receiver in common, and we will share a passion that will break the ice and bring us together.
We can miss a game for something important but not for shopping or some chick flick. In order to keep up on the season, we need to see every game. If you follow soaps or reality shows, you should understand. Every week has triumphs, injuries and consequences that shape the big picture for the playoffs. We bend over backwards to put up with so many “girl things” that seem trivial to us. Please don’t belittle our athletic adventures on the field or on the TV.
We’re not asking for a lot here, ladies. We sleep on floral sheets, sit through pageants and award shows when “Castle” or reruns of “Star Trek: Deep Space Nine” are on the other channel, and we understand that a classy and delicate woman like you deserves flowers, compliments and our loyal attention. It’s only right that you make the effort to get in touch with your masculine side once in a while and try to understand us.