Why You Shouldn’t Sleep with Him on the First Date

Marni Battista
Marni Battista
March 6, 2013
Why You Shouldn’t Sleep with Him on the First Date

Even if the chemistry you are feeling on a first date is out of this world, it’s probably best to hold off on sleeping with someone (no matter how awesome he may be).

Although some relationships do last, whether or not you sleep with someone on the first date, Dating with Dignity has a few smart reasons not to do it.

1. A test.

Waiting to sleep with someone is kind of a loose “test” to see if you have the values your date is looking for.  

If you have any interest beyond simply sleeping with someone, waiting until you get to know them a wee bit better is certainly going to work in your favor.

Men actually like a challenge. The pursuit to sleep with a girl is directly linked to their idea of romantic potential!

Plus, if your date disappears after you don’t sleep together, you probably weren’t looking for the same thing anyway.

Waiting creates anticipation, and the good guys will hang around.

Remember you don’t ever “owe” him anything, no matter how much dough he spent on dinner!


“If you get intimate slowly over time, you really

get to know each other in an authentic way.”

2. Emotional and physical feelings.

You allow your emotional feelings to catch up with your physical feelings.

So you’re on the first date and it’s the BEST first date you’ve been on. Sparks are flying and you are thinking you may just go home with him. He’s so hot!

But wait and remember this: You don’t even know where he lives. You also don’t know what his brother’s name is or when the last time he had a girlfriend was.

You might know if he has a roommate because he just told you five seconds ago, but you basically only have skeletal knowledge of this guy’s life.

And you should know a whole lot more before you hop into bed with someone you want to get to know long term.

Good things come to those who wait! High levels of physical chemistry are awesome, but so are high levels of liking each other and getting to know each other.

Get to form some thoughts about his college major and a real opinion about what he thinks of global warming before you get to know his naked self. And let him do the same!

So often we fall for the potential of someone based on a physical connection rather than collecting data about who he really is so we can making a calm, conscious choice.

3. You now get to set the pace of the relationship.

If you sleep with a guy on the first date, you’ve probably lost the ability to control the speed at which your relationship progresses.

In the event you do sleep with him, he may think it’s likely you do this with every guy you go on a first date with – in which case, the pace could lead to the finish line right away.

The result? Game over and he may never call you again.

If you slow it down and get intimate slowly over time, you really get to know each other in an authentic way.

Plus, once you hit the sheets, the days of lingering over coffee and dessert, walks on the beach and talking until three in the morning will most likely end.

Instead, you will be doing the deed day and night. And, if he is really “The One,” why end the delicious experience of making out like teenagers that typically ends once you have sex?

Most important, if he is interested, although he will probably still be trying to get in your pants (we are all animals after all,) he will probably also be trying to get into your heart.

What ways do you keep a date exciting without having sex on the first date?

By Marni Battista, founder and CEO of Dating with Dignity. Connect with her on Google+.

Photo source: singleblackmale.org.

Connect with Marni on Google+.

Related Topics:
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10 Responses

    You’re right on the money with this post. It takes men much longer than women to get emotionally involved and invested. The quest for your “prize” is a major motivator in keeping them engaged until they do. I use the words of Kenny Rogers as the title of a blog post I wrote elaborating on this: “You gotta know when to hold ‘em”.
    Hold back, and stay in the game!

      I totally agree. I have been married, divorced, and engaged 3 times.
      All to men with who it took 3 to 4 months for them to sleep with me!
      These men still hold me in high regard to this day! Yes, including my
      ex-husband. These men and all the men that I date saw and see that I value myself so they placed value upon me as well… it really is not as hard as women make it out to be! In the words of my dear old dad and I quote “lock your knees to marry men!”

        C. Price
        Cynthia Price (DatingAdvice.com)

        Drea, it’s great to hear such success! What I admire the most is how much the men in your life have held you in high regard to your choices. Continue to tell your story and many women will choose to make the right choice :)

    I completely disagree with the article. I think it gives a pretty bad and manipulative advice in several aspects on how to grow a relationship should grow.

    1. “Men actually like a challenge. The pursuit to sleep with a girl is directly linked to their idea of romantic potential!” – So, would you rather like to sleep with a guy and realize that it was a mistake and move on, or waste another several dates with him and build up your expectations and then realize that he just wanted sex and then move on? If a guy is pursuing you just for sex, that relationship is not going to work regardless of you having sex with him on the first or 21st date. You will just waste less time in the latter case. All this provided that you actually are also interested in having sex with him.

    2. “Plus, once you hit the sheets, the days of lingering over coffee and dessert, walks on the beach and talking until three in the morning will most likely end.” – I could not disagree with this more. If a guy is really into you, none of this will stop after sex, it will just get much much better. If he is not – just read my response in 1.

    3. “Setting the pace of a relationship” – translated in the eyes of a guy is often – she is a controlling, manipulative girl that would rather play with your feelings than truly be your partner.

    Just offering an alternative analysis :)

      You’re a bit extreme with your comparisons.

      1- Her advice in the article is exactly what woman want to avoid “realizing it was a mistake just to move on.” Also, a guy wouldn’t wait until the 21st date if all he’s doing is trying to pursue a woman for sex. Would you? Don’t think so. The longer a couple is willing to wait to get intimate, the longer the relationship could last. Too often we correlate sex with being promiscuous or having “loose morals” so waiting is a “preferred” choice if you’re looking to start a relationship instead of anything less (this is what she’s advising).

      2- the “hitting the sheets” comment Marni wrote is under your 3rd point’s section. You set the pace with the first date, the second date, and maybe onward. You BOTH choose the direction of the relationship…

      3- Which moves me to this point you made. You’re using extreme language “controlling and manipulative” ?? Just to set a “pace”? Why wouldn’t you want to set a pace? A relationship is two sided, this article isn’t about a woman controlling anyone. The author only brings up a common mistake woman make by choosing to sleep with a man early on.

      If anything, it’s helpful advice to keep a level mindset, focus on the goals of the relationship and if a woman really wants to sleep with a guy on the 1st or second date, then she better know what to expect.

    Ken F (slobeachboy)

    I’m afraid that I’m going to have to respectfully disagree with the author on this one, at least in part. I do agree that, at least generally speaking, it’s probably best for a girl to wait until the second, or occasionally even the third date before having sex with a guy. The problem is I also think sex should be something that is spontaneous and not planned out ahead of time. I just abhor “rules” when it comes to dating and I think we should always just go with our best instincts at the time based on the particular person or situation. And although I never go into a date with any expectations I also don’t tie myself down with silly rules. I just go with the flow and play it by ear on each individual date and I like girls who do the same.
    Also I have to say I think the author kind of dropped the ball here by not mentioning the flip side of the coin, namely, waiting too long to have sex with a guy (more than 4 dates). Personally if sex hasn’t occurred by the third or fourth date then I know that something is very wrong. Either A.) She is just not sexually attracted to me, B.) She’s very prudish and uptight about sex, either for religious or other reasons, C.) She is terrified of getting hurt again and thinks that the longer she puts off sex the less likely this is to happen, or D.) She has been sexually abused as a child. And in any one of these cases it tells me that her psychological makeup makes the two of us incompatible. For example women who are terrified of being hurt by men often end up sabotaging the relationship and driving the man away and thus ultimately causing them to be hurt again – who needs that kind of drama? On the other hand if I met a woman who I thought was just perfect for me but she couldn’t have sex for 3 month due to an operation or being in a full pelvis cast etc., that would be just fine with me and I’d have no trouble waiting. So it’s not the withholding sex that bothers me, it’s the underlying issues or personality traits that are causing her to withhold sex. And I’m NOT saying there is anything wrong with these women I’m just saying we dont think enough alike to be compatible.
    So anyway, when it goes past four dates with no sex I’ll either stop seeing her or I’ll put her permanently in the friend zone from that day forward. Although frankly I can’t remember a time when this has actually happened. That’s because usually by the second date, sex or no sex, I already know if it’s going somewhere or its not, and if its not there wont be a third or forth date. In fact I cant remember a single time in my life when I thought a girl was just perfect for me in every way only she didn’t want to have sex by the fourth date. It’s simply never happened. Well that is unless you include my first two girlfriends before I was 21. Teenagers often wait months before having sex so I don’t include those instances in these types of discussions. What’s normal for teenagers is not necessarily normal for adults.
    Also I should point out, as I have in previous posts, that this misconception women have that a guy wont respect them if they have sex with him too soon is simply not true. Or at least no man worth having thinks like that. My own sexual timing percentages work out to about 25% first date. 65% second date, 8% third date, and 2% fourth date or longer. And if we look at this data only in terms of dates that led to a serious long term relationships it would be more like 50% first date, 25% second, and 25% third or beyond. So how soon you have sex does NOT effect the guy’s opinion of you, although waiting too long might.
    You women should also know that waiting to have sex doesn’t necessarily weed out all the players and the bad guys. In fact these guys can sometimes be even more patient than the good guys. And there are some really bad guys who actually withhold sex themselves from the start in order to control and manipulate the woman (I don’t have time to explain the mechanics of it here) and it just makes her want him more.
    Another thing women should know is that just because a guy sticks with you after sex doesn’t always mean he’s that into you. Some guys will stay with a woman for years who he doesn’t really consider to be girlfriend material simply to have a steady sex partner until someone better comes along. Think about it, men need to have sex everyday but it can take years for “the one” to come along, so you do the math. I’m not saying that these men are necessarily being dishonest with you either. Sometimes they are just lying to themselves, convincing themselves that they like you more than they really do in order to be able to have regular sex and not have to feel guilty about it.
    Anyway that’s pretty much the long and the short of it people.

    Men and women would do well to fix the “holes” in their hearts, that they are looking for a partner (new or old) to fill and make right – those holes are created during childhood… do some work, and look inward.

    I have to start off by saying this is a great article by the way. I totally agree as a woman we have to value ourselves because if we don’t who will. It’s not that hard to wait 3 or 4 months to give up the goods. You have to know your worth and we are worth the wait!

    This is a nice article but I feel it’s geared a little too much from a woman’s point of view. I don’t like the term test or testing your men. Do you like being put through tests ladies? No one does, this goes back to our school days, everyone hates being tested lol.

    Relationship is not something to run tests on, men aren’t lab rats that you put through a maze and tests and see if they find the right way to the cheese. You do things like this in dating and it becomes a “Game”, and all you have is two individuals trying to win this game.

    As for the sleeping with a guy, there’s only two main situations and I’m going to tell you these to give you a heads up on men. Situation 1. If a guy really does like you, it doesn’t matter when you sleep with him,the 15th date or even the 1st date, he will still be there afterwards.

    Now situations 2 is the one to watch out for. This is the ” eeh I’m not really into this girl but I’d still hit it” guy. This is the guy that whenever you sleep with him, the 1st date or the 10th, afterwards you prolly won’t see much from him.

    Once you can tell the difference between the two, you’ll be better off in dealing with types if men. Also this was a old article I read before that you can check out briefly. http://www.snag-n-bag.com/sex-waiting-rule/#.UXq2n_S9Kc0

    I don’t ever call a lady back if she doesn’t sleep with me after the first date. I spent my time and money on her and she isn’t worth any more of my time or money if she doesn’t give me something pleasurable in return. I am a man, and I deserve to be treated like one. You ladies don’t fall for nice guys for a reason. It’s because nice guys aren’t aggressive and manly.

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