2nd meeting with Girlfriend's Mother Nightmare!

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2nd meeting with Girlfriend's Mother Nightmare!

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  • Hayley Matthews Hayley Matthews
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    AdamCarolla
    Participant
    March 14, 2013 at 4:34 am #25877
    2nd meeting with Girlfriend's Mother Nightmare!

    Background:
    Been dating girl seriously for a year. Seriously talking about marriage. Both 25 years of age. Met mother once before. Went great. She said I was a great guy, loved seeing how happy her daughter was around me etc. Good things.

    Also, pretty much every relationship she had before me, she ended up being cheated on and being misled in just about every way imaginable.

    2nd meeting:

    On Friday night… I was talking to girlfriend on the phone about meeting up. She was out with her mother already and asked me to meet them at a bar downtown in 20 min. Very short notice considering I live 15 min away. But I hurried up and got dressed, groomed, jumped in car and went. Found parking outside the bar. 23 minutes. Oh man I hate being even 3 minutes late!

    I called to check where they were. Not there yet but where they were only a 2 minute drive away. Ok. I went into the crowded bar and grill on a Friday night to find a place for us like any gentleman would. After walking around a little, I managed to get 3 seats at the bar which was perfect. I saved the seats and waited. After many texts of being assured they were on their way and nearby, it was an entire hour that went by of me constantly telling patrons that the seats were taken, slowly sipping down 2 beers, and probably pissing off the bartender by monopolizing 2 empty seats that he could be profiting off of. I don’t care. It is for 2 special ladies after all.

    They finally get there! I greet them and she sits next to me, and her mother sits next to her. I’ve been sitting there for an hour so I excuse myself to the men’s room to take a leak. I feel a text in my pocket. It’s from my girlfriend. I think “Must be apologizing about how late they were.” I take it out and read it. It plainly says “Don’t disrespect me.” What????

    I return and sit next to her, point at the text and ask her “What is this about?” and she says “I don’t want to talk about it.” I think “What in the world is going on. I dont think I disrespected her.” So I decide to ask her again but more nicely to get the point across that I am really bothered by the thought that she thinks I somehow disrespected her and I say “[Her name], Can you pleeeeeasee tell me how you think I disrespected you?” She puts her hand up to shut me up, then turns her body away to talk to her mother. I try again. No luck.

    I am clearly frustrated. I did not sit there for an hour waiting for them so I could just twiddle my thumbs wondering how I disrespected her. That’s ruining an evening that was supposed to be a good time for me. I say “How the f*** did I disrespect you???? What is your problem??”

    She responds loudly “You are cussing at me right now and I don’t appreciate it! If you don’t want to be here. Then you don’t have to be here!”

    I think “WTF just happened” This kind of exchange NEVER happened between us and now its happening in front of her mother of all people. I calm down and ask “Do you not want me to be here?” She responds “Well you sure seem like you don’t want to. So you can just go if you want.”

    I feel horribly disrespected at this point. Confused as hell. I had already paid my tab. So I stood up and walked out. Maybe for good. I dunno. I knew it wasn’t going anywhere good in a shouting match in a loud bar.

    As I’m walking back to my car she calls me. I pick up. She’s begging me to come back. So I do. When I get back she wants to step outside. With tears in her eyes she explains to me that she thought I was going into the bathroom to talk to another woman on my phone. I pull out my phone and show her NO calls No texts. And I pleaded with her “Whhyyy couldn’t you have told me that when I asked? Why couldnt we step outside to talk about it when I asked???”

    She had tears in her eyes and I hugged her and everything was good for the rest of the night…if not awkward. But her mom was cold to me since according to her i “cussed her daughter out.” I highly regret dropping an F bomb. But I don’t think that qualifies as cussing out. It’s not like I called her an effing b***** or told her to go to hell or something….

    Anyway. Her mom is furious at me. Doesn’t think her daughter should have anything to do with me. Maintains that I cussed her daughter out in front of her. Basically thinks I am scum.

    So my girlfriend was badly treated by guys in the past….am I picking up the tab for it? I love her and our relationship is great besides this major wrinkle and the occasional bouts with lack of trust.

    Is there anything that can be done to undo the negative feelings her mother has for me?

    The only thing I regret is losing my poise and dropping an F bomb. What else did I do wrong???

    How could I properly apologize for this situation?

    What upsets me a lot is that the good things I did that any real gentleman would do went totally unnoticed since they weren’t there. And being late didn’t seem to be an issue to her mother…


    slobeachboy
    Participant
    March 14, 2013 at 3:33 pm #25966

    My advice to you is simple; RUN!! Run as far and as fast as you can and don’t look back! You simply don’t want to be in a relationship with someone who is that insanely insecure. As someone who has been there myself more than once I can tell you that its not going to get any better in the future. She going to keep putting you through the ringer until you’re a total nervous wreck who no longer even knows which way is up.
    By the way, you shouldn’t feel bad about loosing your temper and using a few choice words. After all when you are trying to reason with a person who is being highly irrational and who keeps trying to push your buttons then eventually the frustration is going to build to the point where you cant help but explode. Also I seriously have to wonder about a girl who’s so prissy that she take offense at someone using the F word in a sentence simply for emphasis.
    Anyway, I really have to wonder if this is the first you are noticing this behavior. Usually you will see the signs long before a year into the relationship. Either way the one thing you can be certain of is that these kinds of things will happen more and more often in the future. When things are good they’ll be great but when they’re bad, look out! I remember the last time I finally got out of a relationship with a girl like this (only she did it on a daily basis) I just felt like this incredible weight had be lifted from my shoulders. I was no longer stressed out all the time from the constant irrational pouting and tirades. I guess I didn’t realize just how stressful it had been on me or how much it was effecting my health until I was finally free of her.
    Anyway I don’t seriously expect you to just break up with your girlfriend, because I know that we all have to learn these lessons the hard way on our own. At least you can be thankful that, at least for now, your girlfriend rarely encounters the types of environmental stimuli that trigger this kind of behavior in her, and that she’s managed to keep her crazy side hidden from you up to this point.
    As for the mother she’s probably always going to take the daughters side even if the daughter is clearly in the wrong, and you’re always going to look like the jerk, which is regretful.


    slobeachboy
    Participant
    March 14, 2013 at 6:51 pm #25986

    By the way, all the above advice I gave you is of course based on the assumption that you are not in fact cheating on your girlfriend or constantly running off to text women in secret.


    AdamCarolla
    Participant
    March 15, 2013 at 1:59 am #25993

    Thanks slobeachboy for reading my longwinded story and giving me such a great advice!

    And yes, that assumption is correct. I am not cheating on her and never have. Or texting other women in secret for any reason.

    You are right that she displayed signs of being insecure in the relationship before but we were in private every time it had happened so we were able to resolve it and no real damage had been done. This time, her mother was involved which, in my opinion, gave her a little more bravado to act the way she did because she arrived with her after all so she could leave with her as well. If it was just us two out downtown, she would never have challenged me to leave and I surely wouldn’t have. It would take A LOT to get me to leave her somewhere if she arrived there with me obviously.

    Personally, I think my story is kind of stupid and I was embarrassed sharing it. I felt like everything, which was nothing, got blown so out of proportion. And all of a sudden I am public enemy number one and its not fair. I am a nice guy but I have been sticking up for myself through this whole thing because I have felt what I did wasn’t really wrong and that she was the one that was wrong.

    I expressed my feeling to her like this: “If I didn’t care so much about you, it wouldn’t have bothered me so much that you thought I disrespected you in some way.”

    Plus it wasn’t like I was getting upset because I thought she was looking at another guy, I was upset because she thought I disrespected her! Isn’t that the noble reaction that someone that cares ought to have? If I was a cheating a-hole would I be so bothered if she thought that?

    These are things I have been trying to express. But it does not seem to get across. And I came here because I wanted to make sure my feelings were not irrational and wrong.

    You are right, her mom takes her side and it seems like she is going to take her mom’s side so I am facing 2 against 1 here.

    And this may just be a sign of future irrationalities that I would have to face and deal with if I were to marry her.


    slobeachboy
    Participant
    March 15, 2013 at 3:33 pm #26015

    Like I said, I feel for yah man. I can’t imagine anything worse than having people think that you’re a jerk when you know you’re really a nice guy. Back when I was even younger than you are I had a Vietnamese girlfriend and her father hated my guts just because I was White. By the way, what you did is no more your fault than being White was my fault. Remember, we’re not the ones with the problem, they are. Anyway hopefully the mother wont still be giving you the evil eye when you’re walking her daughter down the isle. That is assuming you’re enough of a glutton for punishment to get that far.


    AdamCarolla
    Participant
    March 15, 2013 at 4:13 pm #26023

    Thanks again slobeachboy. I was really starting to question my sanity but it is all clear now.

    It isn’t our problem. I feel that 🙂