a big deal or grain of salt?

DATING ADVICE FORUM

a big deal or grain of salt?

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    greyheartedgoddess
    Participant
    June 8, 2014 at 9:59 am #54751
    a big deal or grain of salt?

    I need advice. I’ve been seeing a man for about a year now. Before him I got married when I was a teenager and was married for almost fifteen years before we divorced. This man and I became friends when I was going through my divorce and when sh!t hit the fan I ran to his arms. So this is really my first real dating experience. When we first got together I don’t think either of us expected it to become a long term thing. Then suddenly he started talking about moving in. Even though he’s an INTENSELY private person & hates PDA we have always been physically hot & heavy. Even a year later we’re together every available moment. Even though everyone knows we’re together it’s still stolen kisses and secret touches in public. Which I kinda like. We both say we’re in love with each other. We’ve had a few ups and downs; it took me about seven months to tidy up my life/finances (loose ends from the divorce). When I got us a place he suddenly didn’t want to move in… Right away… But we stayed


    greyheartedgoddess
    Participant
    June 8, 2014 at 10:01 am #54752

    heavily involved. He slowly started becoming involved with my crazy family. At the same time he started inviting me to his families events… Christmas Eve, Christmas dinner, you get it. But he was always drinking on these special occasions and I figured he needed a ride home. Then he invited me to a family wedding with him. Fine, I figured it was another tag along and give me a ride home. Then I found out he wanted our outfits to match, which is totally not like him but not that big of a deal. The wedding was great, his family is full of really amazing people, one of those families you would dream of growing up in. Everyone was so nice to me but I kinda felt like I was being interviewed with all the intense personal questions I was asked. Which is cool, they want to get to know me. Then a woman, who based on the intensity of the hug she gave my boyfriend married into the family, came over. She was a little intoxicated and started on the same line of questioning that I had received


    greyheartedgoddess
    Participant
    June 9, 2014 at 8:50 am #54753

    all night. However it quickly became apparent that she already knew the answers to the questions she was asking… Kinda. Like she knew I had kids but had the number wrong. She vaguely knew about my kids lives… Their approximate ages, ect. I suddenly felt like I was on a stage and people were discussing me. That’s a little awkward but understandable, it’s an awesome close family I get it. Then when it came time to leave I found out he had already arranged to ride home with his parents… So… He didn’t invite me to drive him home… I’m scared and confused, lol. I’ve kinda figured he was just hanging into us because he enjoys our relationship as it is physically. But meeting his entire family… I don’t think *I’m* ready for him to meet MY entire family… Is this a big deal in our relationship or just take it with a grain of salt?


    greyheartedgoddess
    Participant
    June 9, 2014 at 8:50 am #54755

    Site won’t let me finish


    greyheartedgoddess
    Participant
    June 9, 2014 at 8:51 am #54754

    Ugh wont let me finish… all night. However it quickly became apparent that she already knew the answers to the questions she was asking… Kinda. Like she knew I had kids but had the number wrong. She vaguely knew about my kids lives… Their approximate ages, ect. I suddenly felt like I was on a stage and people were discussing me. That’s a little awkward but understandable, it’s an awesome close family I get it. Then when it came time to leave I found out he had already arranged to ride home with his parents… So… He didn’t invite me to drive him home… I’m scared and confused, lol. I’ve kinda figured he was just hanging into us because he enjoys our relationship as it is physically. But meeting his entire family… I don’t think *I’m* ready for him to meet MY entire family… Is this a big deal in our relationship or just take it with a grain of salt?


    Anonymous
    June 9, 2014 at 9:40 am #54782

    Grain of salt


    Anonymous
    June 9, 2014 at 11:05 pm #54885

    NOT a grain of salt! SEVERAL red flags going on here! I cannot finish writing at the moment, but will continue tomorrow, so stay tuned~


    Anonymous
    June 10, 2014 at 9:46 am #54916

    Hi again! I have limited time, so I will try to address what I can. First, you have very little perspective of dating. You were married throughout one of THE MOST IMPORTANT times of development. The 20’s are the time to experiment and try on life….jobs, dating, where and how you live…it’s when a person really starts to grow into being an adult. When people get married before or even early 20’s, that development really can be stunted because you do not get to know yourself very well. Your choices are limited when you are married. So for you to instantly run into another man’s arms is not the most healthy decision for you. I always suggest people who are divorcing to spend some time alone to feel what you need to feel, to process all the loss, to tie up lose ends, to adjust to the idea of being single. THEN you can have some fun dating when you know yourself a little better. I’m cautious that he wanted to move in with you, then backed out. I’m cautious that he has a need


    Anonymous
    June 10, 2014 at 9:52 am #54919

    to drink beyond his ability to drive each time he is around his family. I’m cautious that he wanted to wear matching outfits and I am VERY cautious that he invited you to an event and then arranged a way to leave WITHOUT YOU!!! There is something not right here. If I got invited to a wedding and then my date rode home with someone else without telling me that was his plan from the beginning, I would have major questions! And I will warn you that families who appear to be “amazing” families, are many times NOT! I grew up with everyone thinking that my family was like the Brady Bunch! Everyone loved to come over, but little did they know the damage that was being done behind closed doors. I’m not saying this is the case with his family, I am just saying that maybe you are not seeing some of the signs of their dysfunction. HERE IS THE BOTTOM LINE: there is something inside of you that is wondering what the heck is going on? Something in your instincts brought you here to this


    Anonymous
    June 10, 2014 at 9:56 am #54921
    Reply To: a big deal or grain of salt?

    site because you sense that something is off. TRUST YOURSELF!!!! Whenever I have gut responses like that, I LISTEN and I immediately talk to whomever I need to in order to get some clarity. If I still am not satisfied, then I just keep watching with a bit more caution. I would be asking him all kinds of questions like why he arranged for a different ride home when that is not what he normally does. I would wonder why he wanted to wear matching outfits. I would ABSOLUTELY wonder why he feels the need to drink excessively every time he is around his family. Give your curiosity a voice! You need to gather more information from the very person you are questioning. That is what a healthy relationship does anyways. Your concerns and questions need to be answered by him as he is the only one who can give you insight into his what he doing (hopefully). However, remember to just keep your eyes open. You have never really dated in your life, so you have not developed the skill set of


    Anonymous
    June 10, 2014 at 9:59 am #54922
    Reply To: a big deal or grain of salt?

    learning to pay attention to signs and symptoms of red flags…when to run and when it is okay to stay. Dating will help sharpen those skills so that when you have a much better awareness of what works well for you and what does not work well. So this experience is a gift for you…your gut is letting you know that something is not right….so go gather more information about it and then you just keep making decisions according to the information you are gathering. Good luck!