Am I too insecure or is he crossing a line?

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Am I too insecure or is he crossing a line?

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  • MissBee
    MissBee
    Participant
    August 8, 2016 at 1:37 pm #107769
    Am I too insecure or is he crossing a line?

    I am insecure. I know I am. Have been my whole life. My boyfriend of nearly 2 years knows this too. I try to be confident, but it is really easy to tear it down and then I get upset, my anxiety starts running, and I shut down. My boyfriend has a lot of celebrity crushes. We could be watching TV or a movie together, and if this celebrity comes on, he is very vocal about how hot he thinks she is. Sometimes, if she does something or dresses sexy, he will applaud her right in front of me. It eats me up since I know I can’t measure up to these women. They are unobtainable for me. Am I being unreasonable and too insecure being upset by this, or is he taking it too far? I am a firm believer of appreciating beauty, we can’t help but look at something attractive to us and I do it too. But, to be so vocal about it with your insecure partner? I don’t know who is in the wrong here and I don’t know how to deal with it. HELP?

    GSJ77
    GSJ77
    Participant
    August 9, 2016 at 6:23 am #107796

    Firstly, yes you are being a bit too insecure. He may be overdoing the applause in an attempt to put you at ease (I know that sounds dumb, but trust me it could be the case) OR he may be an asshole intentionally making you feel insecure so that he feels more secure.

    Does he know how you feel about it? If I were him and I read this post, I would stop the applause, but I’m a fairly sensitive sort.


    coldturkey
    Participant
    August 9, 2016 at 6:19 pm #107860

    He’s the one in the wrong by being so vocal about his celebrity crushes KNOWING what he knows about your insecurities….loving partners don’t do that to each other.I get it when people do it once in awhile BUT you make it seem that he does it all the time…not cool.


    drewmaru
    Participant
    August 10, 2016 at 5:35 am #107873

    He might also be acting like that as a sign of trying to be an alpha male showing that he’s interested in women. It doesn’t necessarily mean he likes them more than you. It’s like having an amazing meal, yet applauding about inferior snacks. Yes, they’re delicious, but in the end he has a better meal to enjoy. I hope that was a decent analogy.

    BettyBrown
    BettyBrown
    Participant
    August 10, 2016 at 9:20 am #107881

    I wouldn’t call it crossing the a line, but I definitely wouldn’t like this kind of behavior and said about it. Did you tell you BF it hurts you?

    MissBee
    MissBee
    Participant
    August 10, 2016 at 12:39 pm #107889

    No, I haven’t said anything to him because I wasn’t sure who was in the wrong. I’ve been in a few emotionally abusive relationships besides this one and am kind of “trained” into believing I’m always the one in the wrong and with the flaws. So I don’t feel I have any right to say anything. But maybe I do? That’s why I’m here. To find out what normal people would do and how they’d react. What is the appropriate response? I just don’t know.

    I’m gathering from these answers though that I should bring it up to him and maybe just ask him to tone it down as it makes me uncomfortable? Is that reasonable?


    lxwz
    Participant
    August 23, 2016 at 8:49 am #109125

    Just say something like, dude, stop! Next time he does something like that. He will probably be confused, but it will give you the space to say that it bothers you. You can then ask him how he would feel if you were always talking about how hot all the guys you saw were. It may not be crossing a line to some people, but I consider it disrespectful behavior and if it bothers you, he either needs to stop and understand that is hurts you or you need to end things. I have wasted years with punks like him who only brought me down, and I wish I had listened when people told me to dump them! If he loves you, he will stop it. He might blurt something out once in a while and that’s ok, it was a habit after all, but if he continues to do it, walk out and never come back. You are better than that. We all are. And if he comes crawling back to you, and you want to take him back, then you make it damn clear that you won’t stand for his belittling you.


    Jimbo2227
    Participant
    August 23, 2016 at 8:38 pm #109360

    It is normal to feel insecure about something like that. I dated a girl who used to always talk about celebrity crushes. It bugged me at first, then I realized it’s no big deal. I did tell her that it bothered me and then we’d tease each other about it. Be lighthearted and let him know.


    loretta1228
    Participant
    August 23, 2016 at 9:45 pm #109363

    Dear MissBee,

    I do not think you are over reacting. Not sure if there are other red flags out there, does his eye wander frequently when you are out with him,? Is it obvious he is looking at other woman? Do you know if he has an issue with Porn?. And when you call him on it, does he say its your imagination? Some men have a problem with this sort of thing. Do not let others tell you that you to get use to it, if it is this extreme. Some men will go as far as to say that biologically men cant be monogmous. This is not true. I will never forget what my university professor told me in relation to men like that (this professor was a man). He said it is possible for men to be more evolved in their thought process. They dont have to be so controlled by their animal instincts.

    If you did answer yes to some of those questions above, maybe its time you moved on and found someone who appreciates and values you for who you are. Value yourself first, no one else will until you do!!


    Canon
    Participant
    August 24, 2016 at 2:13 pm #109462
    Reply To: Am I too insecure or is he crossing a line?

    I think this is mainly a communication issue, guys are clueless most of the time, this isn’t your fault. Your insecurity plays a role in the situation, but insecurities are fairly long term, and cannot be rid of easily. As a result, try to make him understand how you feel about his behavior. You cant make him stop having celebrity crushes, but if possible he can be less vocal and less careless when these situations arise. But in the end, if it still doesn’t get through to him that you are uncomfortable and feel less adequate when he does these things, its a red flag. Because he should be doing the opposite. Of course, it doesn’t mean he doesn’t appreciate you, but it means that he doesn’t appreciate your feelings, and that’s what matters in a committed relationship.