How to Approach Him

DATING ADVICE FORUM

How to Approach Him

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  • Hayley Matthews Hayley Matthews
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    slobeachboy
    Participant
    March 10, 2013 at 9:03 pm #25392
    Reply To: How to Approach Him

    First off to Carlycatz I have to say that having the upper hand has nothing to do with who initiates the conversation. In fact, one could argue that the woman who can get the man she wants to come to her is the one who’s really in control. Anyway, over the years I’ve come across a lot of women who seem to be under the impression that being forward enough to ask a guy out will turn him off, which is simply not true. In fact when it happens to me I kind of admire their courage and assertiveness. The problem is, of the dozen or so women that have asked me out over the years I have never been even remotely attracted to a single one of them. Which of course puts me in the awkward position of having to reject them. And believe me I don’t envy you women having to constantly do that. It’s not easy having to hurt someone’s feelings. But on the other hand if you agree to go out on a sympathy date with the person just because you don’t have the guts to be straight with him, or at least tell a convincing lie, then you are actually being even crueler in the long run. These days I’m pretty good at letting people down easy though. I’ll usually just say in a jovial friendly manner that “I don’t think my girlfriend would take to kindly to that”, or something to that effect. The first time it ever happened however I just froze like a deer in the headlights. I didn’t know whether to lie and say I was seeing someone already or to be honest about it. Anyway I couldn’t even give her an intelligible answer ands I always felt bad about how I handled that one.
    Suffice it to say ladies that if you go up and ask a guy out on a date and he’s even remotely attracted to you and he likes talking to you he’s going to jump at the chance and maybe even secretly thank you for saving him the effort. Of course most women like men to take the initiative so you’ll never catch me waiting around for some woman to ask me out.
    By the way Abby, I really like that writing the number on the hand move – pretty smooth.

    C. Price
    C. Price
    Participant
    March 19, 2013 at 11:58 am #26218
    Reply To: How to Approach Him

    Slobeachboy, thank you for being so active in our forum lately! You have a lot of fun and interesting points of discussion – much appreciated 🙂

    Just to throw my 2 cents in about this convo, I thought I’d agree with you and say, I’ve approached a guy before and he was absolutely SHOCKED I came up to him. He was very humbled and admitted, “Wait you want to buy ME a drink?” I felt like I could give myself kudos points for that one. Although he had a similar deer-in-the-headlights look to his face, we hit it off for a while.

    I’m sure it’s admirable for a woman to approach a man but if the guy is in the position to call the shots and reject the drink, reject the dance, or reject the number, it’s appreciated if he does so with grace. Nothing hurts more than a blunt or rude response.

    Again, keep up all the lovely conversations, that’s what this forum is all about!


    slobeachboy
    Participant
    March 19, 2013 at 3:42 pm #26260
    Reply To: How to Approach Him

    Thanks, I’m really glad that you enjoyed some of my post. By the way if the guy you spoke of was shocked when you approached him it was probably for an entirely different reasons than in my story. In fact, based on your photo I’d say that he was shocked because you’re just so stunningly attractive, and women who look like you normally just don’t approach men.

    C. Price
    C. Price
    Participant
    March 19, 2013 at 4:59 pm #26296
    Reply To: How to Approach Him

    Well thank you! I had to test it out and see what was so “difficult” about approaching someone was, and I’ll admit – I was nervous! Happens to anyone, I’m sure.


    slobeachboy
    Participant
    March 19, 2013 at 5:47 pm #26313

    Well, I think its great that you like to challenge yourself and to try new things just to see what it feels like or to face up to your fears. Life’s too short to simply resign yourself to the safe and the familiar, don’t you think? Anyway it sounds to me like you’re quite a bit more than just a pretty package, aren’t you? 🙂
    By the way, I can also understand why your bar guy was taken aback by the fact that you weren’t simply angling for a free drink. I remember once a long time ago going to a club with a bunch of mostly female friends and all night they were coming up to me bragging about how many guys they had gotten to buy them drinks. It was like some kind of competition between them to see who could get the most drinks without spending a dime of their own money. They would be flirty with these chumps just long enough to get their drinks and then move on to the next guy. Of course I already knew that women did this sort of thing but after seeing my friends “operate” that night I made a strict rule about not buying strange women drinks in bars. After all, if they are really interested in getting to know me they shouldn’t immediately need me to buy them a drink. Of course if we should end up going out on a date I would buy her all the food and drinks she wants, but that’s different.
    Also, I have to say, if I were a woman and men were always trying to approach me by asking me if I wanted to dance, or if they could buy me a drink, I would secretly be thinking, “is that the best you can come up with”? After all it’s not very original is it? I think I would find it refreshing if someone approached me with something other than a corny pick-up line or an offer to buy me a drink. But that’s just me.

    C. Price
    C. Price
    Participant
    March 19, 2013 at 6:31 pm #26315

    Sure, I could see “typical” pick up lines getting boring. In my case I was still a student in undergrad and I knew I could grab that guy’s attention with a simple “one-liner.” What college guy says no to a free drink?! Haha.

    I bet a more creative approach to guys will be a lot more memorable though. Have you ever been taken aback by a woman’s approach to you? Perhaps something that took you off guard? Good or bad…


    slobeachboy
    Participant
    March 19, 2013 at 9:02 pm #26317

    Cynthia – Don’t worry, when I was talking about the not so novel approaches of men I didn’t mean to imply that you should have been more original in your own approach. Its different when it a woman asking a man after all. For instance a women asking if she can buy a man a drink is original simply by virtue of the fact that she’s a woman. So actually you get points for originality.
    Anyway you asked me if I’ve ever been taken aback by a woman’s approach and the answer is yes and no. I’ve never been shocked by the approach itself but I have been shocked a few times by things they’ve done shortly after the approach. And there is one particular incident I can think of that REALLY took me aback. In fact it was so weird that I’m not really sure that you or the rest of the readers are ready for it, but you did ask so here you go. Anyway I was at a bar one night in Tokyo when I was informally introduced to this girl by some casual aqaintances. So we introduce ourselves and started talking and she was very outgoing and talkative and full of smiles and she seemed like a perfectly normal person. Then about 10 seconds into the conversation, and with no warning at all, she took my right hand and pulled it up under her very short mini skirt and onto her private parts. Mind you, neither one of us was flirting or taking about sex at the time. She did it as casually as someone asking a friend to scratch their back. Now is that weird, or is that weird? I was shocked of course but not wanting to be rude I “indulged” her for about 15 seconds before I just had to stop. It was all just too bizarre for me. After all we were standing in the middle of a crowded bar and this women expects me to pleasure her right there on the spot. And what’s even weirder is that afterward we just continued on with the conversation as if nothing out of the ordinary had happened. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve certainly gotten a little frisky with women in bars and clubs before but that was usually after hours of us working ourselves up to it. But what kind of weirdo just comes up to a guy and is like, “Hi! My name’s so and so, and by the way, could you be a doll and just put your finger on this spot for me and move it around a bit”. But who knows, maybe she just wanted to reassure me right off the bat that she was a real woman and not a transsexual – yeah right. Other than this rather odd behavior though she didn’t seem abnormal in any way. And neither did she seem to be even mildly intoxicated. I’m still kind of scratching my head over that one. Anyway we eventually started mingling with other people and that was that. I didn’t try to pursue in any way despite the fact that she was rather attractive. So is that weird enough for you?

    gmh5680
    gmh5680
    Participant
    March 21, 2013 at 12:12 pm #26557

    If you are interested in a guy and he hasn’t come up to you, or maybe hasn’t seen you, my rule is this: do 90% of the work, but let him do the final 10%. Walk over near him, find logical a reason to be next to him, make brief eye contact, maybe smile, but maintain the front that you would be standing RIGHT there whether he was there or not. All he needs to think is “wow, I have a perfect shot with this hot girl!” If he is into you, he will ‘pick you up’ (even though you will know that it’s you who has game). Its Super important that he is the one who makes the official move, because it establishes the balance of the relationship. Guys are SUPER flattered when girls hit on them, but they want to DATE the girl who they had to chase a bit. You can give him a serious advantage, but he needs to feel like he is calling the shots


    slobeachboy
    Participant
    March 21, 2013 at 9:44 pm #26649

    Gmh5680 – I do agree with you somewhat about the whole “establishing the balance of the relationship” thing. And you are right about the fact that making him come to you gives you the control, as I stated in a previous post. Also I’ll be the first to admit that I do indeed enjoy the chase. That being said however, if the girl I pick out at a bar as the one I want to be with makes a move on me before I can make one on her, it in no way, shape, or form, is going to affect how I view her. Nor will it influence how the conversation or the possible ensuing relationship proceeds from there or where it ends up. If I’m the one who always takes the dominant role in the relationship then that’s not going to change simply because she took the initiative in this one particular incident. I’m clearly not “most men” though and I’m sure there are certain types of men out there who might react in the way you described and who “need to feel they are calling the shots”. And this is probably especially true of men you might meet in bars. In any case these men are probably all fairly insecure. For example one who is secure in his intellect does not need to constantly prove to everyone how smart he is. And of course a truly strong person does not need to act like tough guy. If you are secure in your abilities you do not always have to insist to the word that you have those abilities.
    By the way, while we’re on the subject I should point out that every relationship must have a dominant partner, as I’m sure you know. When I was much younger I always believed very strongly that relationships should always be 50/50 but in reality they can’t be. Someone always has to take the leadership role, even if only to a slight degree. Usually it’s the man but in some relationships it’s can be the woman. Anyway, there’s no such thing as a purely 50/50 relationship, Or at least not one that works.


    slobeachboy
    Participant
    March 21, 2013 at 9:47 pm #26650

    Cynthia,

    Well, I must admit I was a little disappointed not having heard from you these past few days. I was really looking forward to learning more about you and what prompted you to start this particular website. For example were you always just a big advice giver, or were you more of an advice seeker? Also, you pretty much know all our stories but we know virtually none of yours – hardly seem fair does it? 🙂 Of course I’m sure some lucky guy must have taken you off the market by now but surely you must have some interesting stories from your early years on the dating scene which would make for an interesting discussion.
    Anyway, I guess my borderline brutal honesty and the fact that I’m a completely open book, ironically, sometimes tends to alienate people. Speaking of which, I don’t know how much longer I will be able to contribute to the site. I just don’t feel like I’m doing a whole lot of good here. People just seem to be more interested in empathy, consolation, and a pep talk than they are in hearing any real solutions. And lets face it, there are many others on the forum who are much more suited to doing that than I am. I’m more of a slap you in the face with a reality check kind of guy, although I certainly do sympathize with these people and their problems. Also I’ve been getting a lot sicker lately and have been in a lot more physical pain, which is starting to make it tough to write or do much of anything else for that matter.
    Anyway, if I don’t see you on here again, best of luck with the site and everything else in your life.

    Ken F


    goldie2012
    Participant
    April 5, 2013 at 12:11 am #27819

    So I am a 25 year old who has been super career oriented. I have never officially had a boyfriend. I will say because all of my friends have been in awful relationships which have totally scared me off. But the truth is I fell for someone who was a close friend who i knew for years…who ended up coming out of the closet which crushed me and I don’t believe I have gotten over it even though I will say I have. I am a super independent person and have been all of my life. I need help with how to open up and let a person in.
    On another note I have a issue with superiority. I love a man that is in charge or my superior. I have a crush on a supervisor/ use to be my boss now is just a regular mama her who I work with… at a job who I have liked for 3 years. I am really good at hiding the crush but I kinda want to make it known without freaking him out.. I need help. At another job I have a crush on my supervisor.. I feel like he gives me mixed signals.. One day I came in and he told me I looked pretty and talked with my about dating/ online dating for 10 min.. ( I felt like he was hinting about asking out..) another time he sat with me for a hour while I was working and was telling me his life dream of going back to school to finished a second degree… What do I do?

    Please help me with how to approach men.. I can be the most confident person when it comes to taking with anyone but when it comes to my feeling and talking with someone I like about my feelings I am a little school girl.

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