Are these signs that we won't work?

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Are these signs that we won't work?

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  • Hayley Matthews Hayley Matthews
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    Jack of Hearts
    Participant
    March 2, 2017 at 11:12 am #128809
    Are these signs that we won't work?

    I’ve been dating her for about 7.5 months. She’s 20 and I’m 22. Essentially the issue is that, she talks about other guys a lot (cliche, I know). Not in a way that makes me think she’s cheating, but maybe that she doubts our relationship. She compliments other guys a lot (muscle, height, clothes, etc), because of this I started trying hard to impress her, and she did notice and complimented me on it, she tells me she loves me and we talk about a future together. Anyway she’ll talk about wanting to find a crush that she can admire with her girlfriends, or after watching a movie point out how charming a character was. Lastly, this morning she told me about a dream where she was dating this celebrity she admires, me, and her ex all at the same time. I’m no dream expert, so I cracked a joke and left it, but I can’t see how it’s a good sign. I’m 100% an insecure guy and she’s commented how I seem more vulnerable and less confident than I was. I know this is normal but should I be concerned?

    richiro
    richiro
    Participant
    March 2, 2017 at 1:59 pm #128837

    its probably not as horrible as it sounds. but it also is not a good sign but for different reasons than you think.
    females have this belief that if they make you jealous – they make you behave and more loyal. She’s playing the classic version of the female guide to “how to keep a guy”… so that’s all there is to it.

    The bad part is: gals like this are just like guys like this – they are very insecure and that’s where this is coming from. they need constant attention and reassurance to reassure their insecurity (but they hide it by trying to look confident and like they can have any man or want them). this is a bad sign in that she will be a high drama/needy gal.

    reassure her a little, but don’t go overboard and see how she reacts. If the result is – no matter what you give she needs more – walk away. If it calms her down an puts her at ease – its probaly okay and just that you 2 are young and she’ll get over the insecurity in time.


    Jack of Hearts
    Participant
    March 3, 2017 at 8:59 am #128856

    Thank you for the advice Richiro. I can certainly understand what you’re saying as it often feels like she does not care for what comfort I can offer in circumstances of anxiety for her. She complains now more than ever about her daily life, and whatever advice I have to offer, she dismisses and continues to pity herself, as you say, “no matter what I give she needs more.” I have told her this and she agrees, yet continues on a daily basis. I will keep what you said in mind. I am interested to hear what other people think. Cheers mate.

    richiro
    richiro
    Participant
    March 3, 2017 at 2:01 pm #128998

    ah.. okay then this is definitely not as bad as it sounds. Hre is a little lesson on girls vs boys
    As you can already tell – girls and guys don’t think alike. Your situation is the classic boys vs girls problem lol.

    So.. us as guys … we are wired to “fix things” when we hear or come across a problem. I don’t know if it is the “provider mentality” or just the way society tries to mold us – it could be a million things. But we as guys are wired innately to fix something that is presented to us that isn’t right.

    GIRLS on the other hand.. they are wired completely differently. When they complain and whine (and yes.. they are innately wired to always complain) – they are not looking to have it fixed. They simply want to purge, complain, whine, and have somebody listen to them and be empathetic so they feel like they are understood.

    So just smile, be empathetic, and DO NOT TRY TO FIX IT. Just let them feel like you’re listening and understand. you’ll be amazed at the difference

    monolithic
    monolithic
    Participant
    March 3, 2017 at 2:59 pm #129009

    You said she’s 20 – that’s young. So I would expect flirty and cheeky behavior. However, you’ve been dating for 7.5 months and she’s making comments like that – I would think after 7.5 months, someone really into you wouldn’t be making these types of comments.

    One thing though: Do you think she’s just saying those things to try and make you jealous or get a reaction because she’s insecure or wants to know you care about her?

    Have you talked to her about this?


    Jack of Hearts
    Participant
    March 3, 2017 at 4:14 pm #129030

    Richiro, thanks again and I am very well aware of that haha Just recently I stopped offering advice or any sort of opinion. I’ll just say, “yeah, that’s rough” or “mhm I know what you mean” and she tires herself out soon enough.

    Monolithic, thanks. I would think the same given the amount she claims to care about me. I have never commented on another girl like that, so I am sure it isn’t some sort of retaliation. I have brought it up multiple times. I’ve brought it up in private, we’ve had discussions with friends and every time she swears to her grave that she is not trying to make me jealous or to get a reaction.. She says she is simply being the honest, and free spirited person that she is. I am starting to more consider the idea that she is insecure and therefore is SUBCONSCIOUSLY doing it, sort of as a defense mechanism for herself, and that’s what worries me. I do personally consider myself to be much more emotional intelligent than her and that is why I think we may not last.

    richiro
    richiro
    Participant
    March 3, 2017 at 5:57 pm #129065

    well.. remembre.. she needs to feel that you are empathizing with her sincerely.. just the words dont’ work. (females are much more intune with the unspoken language – aka body language… aura) while us guys focus on the actual words. so that’s another weird part.

    anyway.. focus on that. just listen. i get it – it’s not the coolest way to spend time and its torture for us guys.
    another trick i’ve picked up along th eway is when i can tell she’s gettin stuck and straying.. i try to get her back on track so it’ll go quicker. or if i can tell where it’s going i might ask a a question that sorta helps her jump a few chapters and get closer to the end. 🙂