Can I get her back?


Can I get her back?

  • Hayley Matthews Hayley Matthews
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    March 10, 2013 at 12:21 pm #25387
    Can I get her back?

    I was dating a woman for 2 months. It was great! We became intimate (sex) a month in. Valentine’s Day was a month and a half in. I sent her flowers to work, and took her to dinner. The flowers were a hit. She even took them with her on a girls weekend ski trip to be the centerpiece on their dinner table at the cabin they went to. We saw each other 2 or 3 times a week. Then she pulled back to 1 time a week. BUT it was still amazing when we were together that one time a week.

    She would always take my hand while walking together. We’d hold hands across the table while out at dinner. She’s hold my free hand and stroke it while I was driving. She always told me how much she enjoyed our time together. We were very passionate when intimate. She loved to hold me and cuddle. She would stroke my face and tell me how much she liked my eyes and my smile.

    So last Saturday, we went out and had a great time. We went to a trampoline gym, and then to dinner. She always talked about how much she loved the fun dates I always planned. She spent the night at my apartment. Then next morning we woke up at 8, and had sex. Then went back to sleep holding each other till 11AM. We went to brunch, and I dropped her off.

    Monday she messaged me and told me how nice it was to wake up with me Sunday morning (this wasn’t the first time she’d woken up with me). We discussed our schedules for the week, and she suggested our date for Friday. Also, on a side note, she told me that she was having a really rough day at work. So Tuesday morning I texted her and told I hoped she had a better day today. She texted me back and said thank you for the nice note. Asked me how my day was, and told me she was going out to dinner that night with her friend Elly.

    Then, out of the blue, she EMAILED me on Wednesday and told be that “she wanted to stop dating me.” She said that she just wasn’t feeling the connection that she’d hoped, and that she wanted to move on. She said she was sure about how she felt. I responded that I was shocked and confused, sorry that she felt that way, but if that’s how she feels, then good bye. I also told her that she was the most wonderful and beautiful woman I’d ever met, and that I would miss seeing her smile. (All true) She responded that that was a really wonderful compliment, and it helped her, since she felt really bad about hurting me.

    So, how does she go from Monday telling me how much she enjoyed our time together on Sunday….to Wednesday telling me she doesn’t want to see me anymore? I don’t get it! I feel like we were still getting to know each other. I know it was only 2 months, and it’s better for her to tell me now, than months later. But I really thought things were going great! I think I may have been on the brink of falling in love with her. (too soon…I know.)

    Is this salvageable at all? Should I giver her a few weeks, then maybe reach out? She’s jewish, and I thought about just waiting till Passover the end of the month and sending her a simple Happy Passover text in hebrew that morning.

    March 10, 2013 at 3:22 pm #25388

    I’m going to tell you the same thing I tell the ladies on here. Virtually nobody ever decides to break it off overnight. Usually by the time they tell you its over they’ve actually been thinking about it for quite a while but have just put it off because they didn’t want to hurt your feelings. She may have also been dating someone else at the same time as you and he just won out in the end. Either way she had probably made up her mind by the time she cut your dates down to once a week. By the way, I take it you only have her word that she took those flowers with her on her ski weekend with “the girls”. That may have just been a cover story to explain why they were no longer in her house, the real reason being that she didn’t want her other guy to see them. Anyway, the truth is most people, both men and women, will still act very affectionate with a partner even when they know that they are probably not going to be seeing that person for much longer. Usually its because they are afraid of confrontation and just don’t want to make you feel bad. Or occasionally it’s for more sinister reason. Either way it can be confusing if you’re not an expert at reading the signs. Of course luckily this girl told you flat out that she doesn’t want to see you again, which should make it easier for you to move on – if you were thinking rationally that is. You should consider yourself lucky. Some women will just back off more and more hoping that you will eventually get the message without them ever having to actually say it. Anyway I would have stopped seeing this girls the moment she cut our dates down to once a week. After all, as Woody Allen once said, “relationships are like sharks. They have to keep moving forward or they die”. If a relationship starts moving backwards its finished. You just need to face the fact that it’s over and get on with your life and let her off the hook. And think about it; would you really want to see her a few more times when would be doing it just because she doesn’t want to hurt you or because at some point in the future she doesn’t have anyone else and is using you as a fallback guy? Hopefully you have a little more self-respect than that. Anyway its time to move on.

    March 10, 2013 at 9:50 pm #25393

    I get what you’re saying, and I have a feeling your right on most of your points. I will say on the flowers issue though that you’re wrong. She got them Thursday, took them home from the office on Friday. Monday when I went over, they were in her kitchen over the sink. So I don’t think she was hiding anything from me. I’m positive she was honest with me through it all, and to the end. Her pulling back to seeing me once a week should have been a clue to me, but that one time a week we saw each other after that was still amazing. I think the reason why I didn’t get the hint was because she said that she was busy, and I knew that she was. She was heavily involved in her synagogue, a book club, a knitting club, and a peer counceling group. So I knew that she had a lot going on in her life.