Confused.

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Confused.

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  • Hayley Matthews Hayley Matthews
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    bbb
    Participant
    March 21, 2013 at 1:04 am #26508
    Confused.

    I have been with a guy for about a year and a half almost. He’s 26 and I’m 20. Iknow I’m pretty young but I’m really mature for my age- a college student with a good head on my shoulders. I met him where I work and the first time I ever saw him I thought he was the most amazing person I’ve ever saw. I began to have a serious crush on him, and finally we went out on our first date. It went great, I was pretty much on cloud nine. Ever since then we’ve been together. When we first started dating it took him awhile to warm up to me, and then at around almost five-six months he told me he loved me. It was pretty much one of the best nights of my life so far. As time has went on, we’ve had our problems. I love him but I feel like I’m not happy with him anymore. He doesn’t seem like he’s ready to commit any further. He can be really selfish and say really hurtful things and then try to tell me later on that he didn’t say them. He’s the type of guy that says one thing then months later changes his mind. I know it can take people longer to commit but I feel as though over time I’ve lost interest in him. He’s not completely horrible to me he just thinks I have this fairytale relationship planned out in my head but I don’t. I know relationships are far from those I just simply ask for him to show affection, be there for me, listen to me, be honest with me, etc. It just seems like he has a hard time doing those things and its pushed me away. I just don’t know what to do.I’ve talked to him about it several times but all he tells me is that thats the way he just is. Any advice?


    slobeachboy
    Participant
    March 21, 2013 at 2:18 am #26510

    I’m going to keep this one short and to the point. This guy flat out told you the “he is the way he is”. And if the way he is doesn’t make you happy then you’ve pretty much answered your own question, now haven’t you? But then again most people on here do.
    By the way, just what exactly do you mean by saying, “he’s not ready to commit further”? Are you not already in a committed monogamous relationship? Well? Or are you talking about marriage? If so I’ll let you in on a little secret. If you need a marriage proposal to be sure a guy if committed to you then you don’t really know each other as well as you think you do. Two people are either committed or they’re not, and if they are they shouldn’t need any kind of symbolic gesture to prove it to each other. If you’ve really found the right person then you’re going to stay together married or not. And if it’s the wrong person then you’re going to eventually split up, married or not. The only difference is that a divorce is much more messy and painful than a regular breakup. The fact of the matter is the only true security comes from within, not from some external symbolic ceremony. Don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying that people should never get married. I’m just saying they should not need to get married to prove to themselves that they are committed to each other or that they are in love with each other. In other word, you should only get married when you no longer feel the necessity to get married.
    You also obviously need to know that love means nothing without compatibility. We humans can often fall madly and desperately in love with people who are the least compatible people in the world for us and who will even eventually destroy our very souls should we stay with them for any length of time. Just forget about “love” for a moment, that feeling that you cannot be without this person, and just concentrate on how this person makes you feel. Do you often think to yourself, “wow this is a really neat person who I would always want to know even if we were not in love”? Do you always feel happy around each other, not on the basest of emotional levels, but on a more analytical level? Is there less stress in your life when you are together rather than more? If you could turn off your emotional attachment to this person would you still be the best of friends? If you can’t answer yes to these questions then you’re just kidding yourself and the only real reason you are really with this person is to make yourself miserable.
    By the way, your boyfriend may very well be right when he say’s that you have a fairytale image of what a relationship is supposed to be so maybe you should think about that.
    Well I guess I couldn’t keep it so short after all.