confused beyond measure

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confused beyond measure

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  • Hayley Matthews Hayley Matthews
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    confusedfighter
    Participant
    March 11, 2013 at 3:41 pm #25449
    confused beyond measure

    I am dating someone 8 yrs younger. He had major defenses up due to a past heartache from a first love. I broke through them over the 2.5 yrs we have been dating (SO HE SAYS) we are in a monogomous frienship? since he has admitted I broke through those walls, he has found every excuse to be “just friends” (which we are now so I thought). I have fallen in love, he is a great guy but all this mental and emotional roller coaster is a turn off for me. I let him kow it is best we sever all ties but he refuses to do that insisting we still be friends (and nothing has changed in our relationship on a daily basis). Should i fight for “us” or just find a way to get over it? why is he acting this way? #confused


    confusedfighter
    Participant
    March 11, 2013 at 3:49 pm #25450

    how can i see the comment someone posted?


    slobeachboy
    Participant
    March 11, 2013 at 5:48 pm #25489

    I’m a bit confused here. First you said that you have been “dating” this guy for over 2 years, but then you also said you are “only friends”. Which is it? If you are not having sex then you are most decidedly NOT “dating” or in any kind of adult romantic relationship. Anyway, if this guy is not a closet gay, and he has a normal sex drive, and he is even remotely sexually attracted to you, then there is no way in hell that you would not be having sex by now. Its hard to say what the actual issue is without meeting him in person but when a guy wont have sex with a girl but also can’t bear to loose her friendship it usually means he is struggling with his sexual identity. Do you know for a fact that his ex was a woman? By the way you did not mention your ages. If the guy is 60 years old then that might explain a low libido but if he’s 20 he should be so horny all the time that sex is all he can think about. That is unless he is so deeply depressed that it has deadened his libido. But it takes some very serious mental issues to do that to a young man. Anyway, either way you slice it, I’d say you’re just spinning your wheels and that this guy is too screwed up to be involved with. And he can’t be “fixed”, at least not by you. I’d walk out that door and never look back. Life is too short.


    confusedfighter
    Participant
    March 20, 2013 at 5:06 pm #25620

    I am 34 and he is 26. He was a teacher at my daughters high school, he saw me picking her up and basically questioned who I was and asked her to give me his number. Because of his age I avoided it untill other events brought us together. We got to know eachother for 7 months before sex came into play. he still gets aroused aroused around me but tries to avoid sex with me. He has made a comment that i made more progress with him than any other female so im assuming that he is responded this way because keeps him emotionally attached. we do have a natural chemistry between us (the kind where if you are even near someone there are sparks lol). I have said that i think we need to part ways but he then invites me on a trip as a friend but we end up doing the same thing. Honestly, im okay with things except for the back n forth friends/date/relationship thing. Its confusing to me. And we do not see anyone other than eachother. I never experienced this before, and I agree it is unusual for a man his age not be more aggressive about sex.


    slobeachboy
    Participant
    March 20, 2013 at 5:55 pm #26504

    Well I’ll be the first to admit that this guy’s got me stumped. If he is only 26 and you’ve only been sleeping together for a year and a half then he should be wanting sex every chance he gets. After all up until I was about 40 it wasn’t uncommon for me to do it six times a night when with a new partner for the first time, and then it would level off to 3 or 4 times a day for the first year or so. So something is definitely wrong here. Is he taking any kind of antidepressants or other medications that you know of? Because both severe depression itself as well as some medications can cause a severe loss of libido. In any case it sounds like this guy has some serious issues and if I were you I would be asking myself what I’m really getting out of the relationship. I guess you are just going to have to decide for yourself whether or not the positives outweigh the negatives and act accordingly.

    gmh5680
    gmh5680
    Participant
    March 25, 2013 at 11:09 am #26568

    He is 26. you are 34 with a high school daughter. Not that complicated! He likes you, thinks you are hot, feels connected to you, but marrying you just isn’t what he pictured for himself. You would be the complicated choice. He is probably struggling with his interest in you, and the fact that he is 26. You may be emotionally compatible, but you are WORLDS apart in terms of life stage. I am in my 20’s (and also a teacher, coincidentally), and I would be very hesitant to commit in that situation. In fact, I wouldn’t. At 26, most guys are just beginning to think about a long term future. Committing to an older woman with a teenage daughter is an enormous leap. I don’t blame him for keeping things neutral. However, I also don’t think you deserve to sit around and wait for him. There is a chance he will ultimately decide he is ready for the maturity that a relationship with you would require, but there is a decent chance that he wont. You owe it to yourself to seek someone who is ready to be with you 100%.


    slobeachboy
    Participant
    March 26, 2013 at 4:01 am #26822

    I was thinking about your problem today so I read over your two posts a little more closely and I noticed something I missed before. You said that this guy does indeed get sexually aroused around you but still avoids having sex with you. This would indicate that he has decided that he has no interest in you beyond friendship and so is avoiding sex with you so that you can’t later throw this in his face as a reason why you are clearly more than friends (and so he doesn’t have to feel guilty about it). Certain types of women actually do this a lot. For example I was once dating this very attractive but very conservative college girl (still a virgin) and by the third date I had decided that she was just not for me, and frankly I could also tell that she was getting a little clingy. Anyway up to this point we had kissed and had some very limited sexual contact but now that I knew that it wasn’t going to work out I did not want to be the one to have sex with her for the first time. Anyway I told her flat out that I just wasn’t feeling it and didn’t want to take it further. I told her I only wanted to be friends and after arguing for hours she finally agreed. Yet every time we would meet after that she would try to steer me into some sexual situation. It was hard to say no but I was determined not to have sex with her. This is because I knew that if I did she could then say “AHA! If we are just friends then why did you have sex with me?”(duh, because guys cant say no to sex). Anyway she finally got her way. She invited me over to a nice mansion she was house sitting at and on a day when I was loaded up on pain killers and muscle relaxants due to a recent back problem. Then she plied me with alcohol, guided me into a Jacuzzi bath and then into her bed, supposedly “just to sleep”. Needless to say she lost her virginity that night. Also needless to say she used this to convince herself that I really wanted to be more than just friends. She had the whole thing planned out just so she could hold it over my head from there on out. Anyway I eventually had to completely cut all contact with this person because it was clear that she could not just be friends and was always going to try to engage me sexually to convince herself that we had something between us which we did not.
    The reason I’m telling you this is because it could explain why it took seven month for this guy to have sex with you and why he actively tries to avoid it now. I think before I just assumed that you guys were living together or something and that’s why I assumed that he might have a sexual problem. But if you are just hanging out sometimes it seems pretty clear that he just likes you as a friend as he has apparently said on numerous occasions. I don’t think it has anything to do with your age or your situation in life though. A guy simply either feels it or he doesn’t so it probably would make no difference whatsoever if you were 8 years younger or had no kids. Besides guys will still have nearly non-stop sex with you even if they think your age or circumstances make you less than an ideal long term prospect. Anyway I’m sorry that I did not read your post closely enough the first time around.