Confused…please help

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Confused…please help

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  • Hayley Matthews Hayley Matthews
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    PeaceJoyHappiness25
    Participant
    October 6, 2014 at 8:16 pm #65383
    Confused…please help

    Last year I was in this really rough relationship that gave me a lot of anxiety the whole time and did not end well. It was my first relationship so i wasn’t sure what is or isn’t normal. One thing that always confused me a lot was what occurred at the beginning. When I was with her I was pretty happy, of course this was during the honeymoon phase so i was head over heals for her. But whenever i was alone and thinking about it, i would question what the relationship was, if i was enjoying it…etc. Usually this thinking led to more negative thoughts like what if shes not the one and that type of stuff. We broke up over the summer and now i’m seeing this girl who is amazing, we have everything in common and its been so smooth so far and i’m enjoying it a lot. However today i started getting those thoughts again and it really freaked me out because i think i really like this girl…are these thoughts normal and should i be worried about it?


    Anonymous
    October 7, 2014 at 7:50 am #65390

    Your putting way too much pressure on both yourself and her. Don’t work so hard on defining the relationship right now, observe it, let it become what it will, and try to find out what is going to be most genuine. Its still good to have check ins to see where you both are at and what you are both wanting, but don’t be in such a hurry to put a name on it.

    We have this cultural idea that there is only one person for us. This creates a scarcity complex. Rather there are people who will work with where you are on your path, and people that won’t. What you should be asking is do I feel safe enough to be vulnerable? If not, is that on me, or is that on her? If its on you, I suggest Berne Brown’s Power of Vulnerability, its on Audible, and they have a free trial where your first bookfree. If she is with you, than its safe to assume she likes you. Make a monthly ritual out of check ins, just learning how to talk about changes about wants and expressing worries and likes will help.


    Anonymous
    October 7, 2014 at 7:56 am #65391

    Make part of your discussion looking at what you both need to feel safe, and what you both need to feel loved. The 5 Love Languages test is worth looking up if for nothing else other than the ideas. Talk about what you want, what is nostalgic to you, what always cheers you up, what will cheer you up on a bad day? Maybe even make a list of questions up ahead of time, and give each other a week to work on the questions (no peeking at each others answers) and then at the time you set to come together, make a bowl of popcorn or just anything set aside and read each others answers, maybe even share each others questions. Focus on complete listening, make some new questions, and figure out how long you want to give before you answer those new questions.


    marie1385
    Participant
    October 8, 2014 at 12:23 am #65461

    Be yourself and act natural, if it is meant to be, it will all work out in the end.


    Woodstock1987
    Participant
    October 12, 2014 at 1:40 am #65724

    Doubts at times are normal, it’s how you act off those doubts that change it. To be honest, sleep on it. If it’s bothering still days later, then it might be worth it to talk to her about it (if you two are close enough) because you may just find that you need a little reinforcement


    tonyl7126
    Participant
    October 12, 2014 at 4:05 am #65727

    awesome response


    girlonfire
    Participant
    October 12, 2014 at 1:22 pm #65732

    you obviously have feelings for your ex, but i would say to take things slow and not expect too much out of this too soon


    mefisto
    Participant
    October 13, 2014 at 11:41 am #65775

    Doubts at times are normal, it’s how you act off those doubts that change it. To be honest, sleep on it. If it’s bothering still days later, then it might be worth it to talk to her about it (if you two are close enough) because you may just find that you need a little reinforcement

    I agree with it, You need to think it through.