Crazy about me, but not in the bedroom…

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Crazy about me, but not in the bedroom…

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  • Hayley Matthews Hayley Matthews
    DatingAdvice.com
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    bluegirl
    bluegirl
    Participant
    March 22, 2013 at 4:47 pm #26741
    Crazy about me, but not in the bedroom…

    I started seeing a guy I met at the dog park. We both have huskies and started chatting pretty regularly back in early December. He is four years younger than me, which was a little weird for me, as I’ve only ever dated guys that were older than me. I was kind of shocked when he asked me out, to see a movie with him, but he was such a nice guy I decided to take a chance with him. Things moved very slow physically, which was a little confusing for me. If there is one thing I’ve been able to count on with past boyfriends, good or bad, it was that they wanted me physically. I honestly thought he must just not really be attracted to me, but every other part of the \\\”relationship\\\” is going great. He constantly texts and emails with me. He wants to hang out everyday. He is always hugging me, kissing me lightly on the lips, hand holding and general cuddling. We started to be intimate a few weeks ago, and it has been terrible for my ego. He just doesnt seem interested in going beyond cuddling. Several times he has just totally lost interested mid-sex, and he often asks me to sleep over, then immediately falls asleep. I don’t know what to make of it. I’ve tried a couple of different tactics – asking him what he wants, likes, trying different things and he’s giving me nothing. He did say once that he doesnt have a lot of experience and has only been in a couple of brief relationships, but its not his inexperience that worries me. It’s his seeming lack of interest in my physically. We have been seeing each other for a couple of months and he is really pressuring me to meet his parents and go to family events with him, but I just dont feel like this is a real romantic relationship if he is not physically attracted to me. I would love any advice….


    slobeachboy
    Participant
    March 22, 2013 at 8:30 pm #26745

    If you’ve been reading the forum for long you are probably aware that confusedfighter is having almost the exact same issue as you are. Oddly enough her guy is also much younger than the guys she usually dates. I’m not really sure what’s up with all these young guys lately but I’m beginning to think there is something in the water supply. Anyway I won’t go into much detail here because I would just be repeating what I told the other woman, but basically in these situations there are only a few possibilities.
    1. He can have a low libido due to either depression (or other psychological condition), some kind of medication, or a medical condition.
    2. He could be a closet homosexual who is denying his true sexual orientation because he feels ashamed of it.
    3. Its possible he can only become sexually stimulated by engaging in some weird fetish that is so bizarre that he is afraid to tell you about it yet.
    Of course its also possible that he’s just not sexually attracted to you but if that were the case why would he be with you in the first place? Also, quite frankly most young guys are so perpetually horny that they’ll jump anything that’s female and has a pulse. In fact a pulse is probably optional for some of them. This means it’s extremely unlikely that his problem has anything to do with you at all. Although I realize of course that it’s difficult to think otherwise. Virtually all women need to feel like they are desirable sexually and its hard to feel that way when your partner doesn’t seem to want to have sex with you.
    The bottom line is this guy needs to tell you what’s going on and tell you soon. And believe me he almost certainly knows what’s causing the problem even if he won’t tell you. Whatever the cause it’s going to be difficult to get him to talk about it so you really need to be firm about needing an answer. Short of that you’re just going to have to either learn to live with it or find someone else who fulfills all your needs. Personally I’m the kind of person who will stick by someone through just about any kind of problem but ONLY if they are willing to acknowledge that they have a problem and are willing to work on it. I have no time for people who refuse to confront their issues. But that’s just me, and how you handle your own situation is entirely up to you.

    carlycatz
    carlycatz
    Participant
    March 27, 2013 at 4:30 pm #27082

    Geez slobeachboy, you don’t have to act like some kind of all-knowing expert here. Take it easy on everyone in this forum. You definitely come off cocky. Maybe you should take a break from answering peoples questions if you find yourself so disturbed by curious daters who can’t seem to find answers elsewhere.

    Bluegirl, I think he told you already what’s wrong. But in an indirect way. He seems shy and nervous, in my opinion. His little experience in relationships plus your maturity and attractiveness could be overwhelming for a guy who hasn’t dated “much” and is seeing someone older.

    It kind of also sounds like you’re already uninterested in him if he can’t come to par with your desires. I wouldn’t leave yet though, ask him if he’d like to get more intimate but if he’d like to wait, see what his reason is. If it’s something you’re willing to work with, then stick around. If he’s ready to introduce you to family members, you may get caught in a sticky situation of guilt if you let this “relationship” continue and you’re not completely satisfied.

    good luck!


    slobeachboy
    Participant
    March 27, 2013 at 5:43 pm #27097

    Sorry about that Carlycatz, but the contents of my posts are simply meant to be as thorough as possible and to try to cover every angle possible. I realize of course that this makes is harder for others to chime in and I had a feeling that some people might resent me for this so its good that you confirmed this by speaking up. Anyway just to clear the air I’m actually pretty much the polar opposite of a “know it all” or “cocky” and in fact when out with friends or an a date I always keep the conversation light and fun and never talk about anything serious or deep. In fact most people don’t have a clue that I know anything about anything. HOWEVER, this is a forum for people who NEED answers and if I think I can help them I’m going to do the most thorough job that I can, period!
    Also I have not been able to work or socialize for a very, very long time do to illness and I’m the kind of person who really needs to be active, in both work and play, and also needs to socialize. So basically I’ve been going nuts and this is the only outlet I have right now.
    However I don’t want to spoil everyone else fun because and I know they need this too so I think we should take a poll. Basically if more than 3 people write in saying that they would like me to step aside I will do so. I’m sure I can find some other way to help people and feel useful.
    Anyway I’m sorry that I’ve been such a thorn in your side at that you’ve come away with such a grossly inaccurate perception of what kind of person I am. Also I have to say in closing that if you can mistakenly view someone who is simply knowledgeable straight forward and helpful as being cocky and a know-it-all then maybe you need to take a look inside yourself and see what’s causing you to so thoroughly misread people and to feel threatened by them.

    carlycatz
    carlycatz
    Participant
    March 28, 2013 at 9:57 am #27112

    you’ve done it again…..to each their own sir. do as you please.


    slobeachboy
    Participant
    March 28, 2013 at 12:20 pm #27176

    Carlycatz,

    So you somehow think that saying it was “good that you spoke up” and apologizing for stepping on any toes is “doing it again”? Interesting. I guess all I can say to that is “ditto”.


    slobeachboy
    Participant
    March 29, 2013 at 2:58 pm #27338

    Well I honestly thought I could be the bigger man here and just let your original nasty comments slide without any kind of reprisals. But then I thought to myself, what kind of major league A-HOLE not only makes snide comments about someone for simply expressing himself in a more knowledgeable and articulate manner than she, but also becomes completely indignant after this person tries to smooth things over by giving her a sincere apology and explanation. I have to think that someone like that pretty much deserves whatever he or she has coming.
    By the way, I was being completely honest when I said that it was good that you spoke up, but speaking up and being nasty are two different things.
    Anyway, I guess I should have asked you before what the “it” in “doing it again” means so that I would know just exactly what “it” is that I’m doing. Does “it” refer to being articulate, or does it simply refer to trying to reason with a highly irrational person such as yourself? Because the latter I’ll grant you is definitely an exercise in futility.
    Perhaps at this point you should be asking yourself just how it is that within a week of joining this site I already knew that if anybody on here was going to have a problem with me it was going to be you. You’re easier to read than a menu, lady, and I already know more about you than you know about yourself. And there was a time not too long ago when I would have used those insights to tear you to shreds on here, leaving nothing in my wake but a smoldering pile of embers. Fortunately for you however I always try to take the high road these days and to not let people get under my skin so I’m keeping the claws in on this one and trying not to get too personal. Well, there’s also that whole thing about not wanting to have a battle of wits with an unarmed person – not very sporting after all.
    Anyway, I’ve decided to leave the site, so you can now feel free to resume your “blind leading the blind” campaign by dispensing your fortune cookie caliber tidbits of advice to everyone on here.
    Oh, and on a side note I just have to say that I really hope that you are an extremely attractive women because that’s the only way any guy is going to put up with your lackluster personality and the truckloads of baggage that you are dragging around behind you.
    Anyway, you have a real nice day.

    To anyone else who might see this all I can say is I’m sorry for not turning the other cheek for a second time but sometimes people are pretty much just asking for it.

    corty12389
    corty12389
    Participant
    April 2, 2013 at 2:55 am #27494

    I’ve had the same issue with the guy I’m dating! It’s very frustrating because I haven’t had any problems before getting a boyfriend to be intimate, and having to be the female who can’t get the man to put out is a role reversal I never wanted to try. It’s awkward and I have no idea how to bring it up. Bluegirl have you had any luck?