Exclusivity help!

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Exclusivity help!

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  • Hayley Matthews Hayley Matthews
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    AllAmericanGirl
    Participant
    June 3, 2014 at 12:38 pm #54346
    Exclusivity help!

    I met a guy and we have a lot in common, and have been dating about twice a week for a month now. He is divorced (5 year marriage that was over a year and a half ago) and has dated a little since then but nothing serious.

    When we first started dating, I was also going on dates with other guys. We talked a little about this on our third or fourth date. He stated he wasn’t dating anyone else, and asked about me. Which I said there were a couple guys that I was talking with. I encouraged him to date other girls, since at this point, we were just getting to know each other and I wanted to make sure that if we both decide to continue to date, that we will have made informed decisions. He said he wasn’t interested in anyone else, and it would just be going through the motions. So as we progressed in dating, we became intimate and I stopped seeing the other guys as well.

    REST IS IN THE FIRST COMMENT, AND THE QUESTIONS/ADVICE ARE REQUESTED THERE.


    AllAmericanGirl
    Participant
    June 3, 2014 at 12:39 pm #54347

    We talked last night, and he said “I think you want us to be exclusive, but I am not sure I am ready for that”. He said he just doesn’t have a lot of relationship experience and isn’t sure what the right approach is. Apparently there is a girl that his friends want him to meet (tried to arrange before he met me), and they have a group thing in a few days. He isn’t sure if he will be interested in her, but wanted to let me know that he wouldn’t be able to avoid her forever..
    Isn’t this the backwards way? You date a few people and weed out the bad ones towards the end and then work on just one girl? Was I played? I feel completely duped, like I fell for a line? Did I curse myself because I told him to meet other girls? Am I wasting my time if we continue to spend time together? Or do I hope that he will miss me so much and this new girl (or any future girls) wouldn’t compare? Is this just because he is divorced, and isn’t sure if he will ever want to commit? HELP!

    Aperture
    Aperture
    Participant
    June 4, 2014 at 9:38 am #54412

    I get where he’s coming from although I don’t like it. He can’t avoid her forever and his friends have been shoving this down his throat for a while. So, perhaps he feels like he owes it to them and this girl. However, I see where you’re coming from too. But, keep in mind that this is probably how he felt while you were talking with other guys. For now, I’d say let him talk to her. Just talk. The two of you have been “together” for a while so the cards are still in your favor.

    But the, “relationship experience,” and “right approach,” thing do feel like a bit of a cop-out. He was married for five years, was seeing you and got a little huffy about you seeing other men. I’d talk about it more, but don’t be too confrontational about it. Keep us posted.


    AllAmericanGirl
    Participant
    June 4, 2014 at 11:51 am #54348

    Isn’t this the backwards way? You date a few people and weed out the bad ones towards the end and then work on just one girl? Was I played? I feel completely duped, like I fell for a line? Did I curse myself because I told him to meet other girls? Am I wasting my time if we continue to spend time together? Or do I hope that he will miss me so much and this new girl (or any future girls) wouldn’t compare? Is this just because he is divorced, and isn’t sure if he will ever want to commit? He said he still wants to see me, hang with me, take me on dates, and continue to sleep with me…which I said that wouldn’t happen if he is with other girls. Do I start dating around now too? Just to protect myself?

    HAHA! Sorry for how long this is…I just need help!!!


    AllAmericanGirl
    Participant
    June 4, 2014 at 11:51 am #54349

    Isn’t this the backwards way? You date a few people and weed out the bad ones towards the end and then work on just one girl? Was I played? I feel completely duped, like I fell for a line? Did I curse myself because I told him to meet other girls? Am I wasting my time if we continue to spend time together? Or do I hope that he will miss me so much and this new girl (or any future girls) wouldn’t compare? Is this just because he is divorced, and isn’t sure if he will ever want to commit? He said he still wants to see me, hang with me, take me on dates, and continue to sleep with me…which I said that wouldn’t happen if he is with other girls. Do I start dating around now too? Just to protect myself?

    Sorry for how long this is…I just need help!


    AllAmericanGirl
    Participant
    June 4, 2014 at 11:51 am #54350

    Isn’t this the backwards way? You date a few people and weed out the bad ones towards the end and then work on just one girl? Was I played? I feel completely duped, like I fell for a line? Did I curse myself because I told him to meet other girls? Am I wasting my time if we continue to spend time together? Or do I hope that he will miss me so much and this new girl (or any future girls) wouldn’t compare? Is this just because he is divorced, and isn’t sure if he will ever want to commit? He said he still wants to see me, hang with me, take me on dates, and continue to sleep with me…which I said that wouldn’t happen if he is with other girls. Do I start dating around now too? Just to protect myself?

    Sorry this is so long…I just need advice.


    AllAmericanGirl
    Participant
    June 4, 2014 at 11:51 am #54351

    ONE MORE SECTION

    Isn’t this the backwards way? You date a few people and weed out the bad ones towards the end and then work on just one girl? Was I played? I feel completely duped, like I fell for a line? Did I curse myself because I told him to meet other girls? Am I wasting my time if we continue to spend time together? Or do I hope that he will miss me so much and this new girl (or any future girls) wouldn’t compare? Is this just because he is divorced, and isn’t sure if he will ever want to commit? He said he still wants to see me, hang with me, take me on dates, and continue to sleep with me…which I said that wouldn’t happen if he is with other girls. Do I start dating around now too? Just to protect myself?

    Sorry this is so long…I just need advice.


    AllAmericanGirl
    Participant
    June 5, 2014 at 9:28 am #54543

    Sorry! Some of my comments seem to be duplicated…just read the first two!

    @Aperture: thank you for the comment. Your words a very comforting. He is trying to be upfront with me, and as of right now, they are just talking. If he chooses to date her, then maybe we aren’t meant to continue, and better that I know now than later, right? I do believe my “odds” are better, since we have an actual connection. We will talk this weekend, after he meets this girl, and decide what we want to do from there.

    Thank you again! I really appreciate it!


    kjkrunner
    Participant
    June 9, 2014 at 8:50 am #54725

    I feel your pain. I have been dating someone for 7 months that I met online. He just recently stopped meeting other women for casual coffee dates. He was crazy about me in the beginning and so was I so we became intimate sooner than we should have. After a long marriage (he is recently divorced) with little sex/intimacy, he suffers from low self-esteem and likes the feeling of being desirable that meeting women casually for coffee brings to him. ?! I don’t get it, but tolerated it sort of like you said – I know we have a connection and are intimate and I doubt he will find someone with as much to offer or with as much in common as we have. But it feels insulting like he’s still shopping around! Yet I appreciate his honesty and know he is not feeling serious about any of them.
    Hang in there and don’t be clingy and needy. Just keep your options open and consider other men if you meet someone interesting. He needs to know you are strong and confident. He could lose you…


    AllAmericanGirl
    Participant
    June 9, 2014 at 10:31 am #54785
    Reply To: Exclusivity help!

    @kjkrunner: I feel like you have a secret view into my life. He made a comment that he thinks it just got too serious, and he has lots to think about in regards to the future. I know we aren’t in a relationship, but I do care about him…but I deserve someone who sees how great I am, and isn’t interested in “keeping his options open”. Don’t you think he must not be feeling a connection with me, if he still wants to explore other options? I get the impression his marriage/divorce was a lot like you mentioned above, so maybe thinking that other women could be interested is appealing to him. Do I continue to see him? I have no problem trying to meet other guys too…I just really like this one…:-(


    bsheels
    Participant
    June 9, 2014 at 12:46 pm #54809
    Reply To: Exclusivity help!

    I’m of the belief that if a man is really interested in a woman, he will want to date her exclusively. If he wants to date other women, you should date other men too and not let yourself get too serious with this guy because he might just want to use you for the sex and might not be interested in anything more serious than that.