Friends After Dating

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Friends After Dating

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    enelya_taralom
    Participant
    October 14, 2013 at 5:27 pm #41119
    Friends After Dating

    Hello,

    I’m not sure if this is the right place because I actually think responses from men might be more helpful, but anyway…

    Here we go…

    So 15 months ago I had my first dating relationship. I must admit that I am older- late 20s and I know this is very late to start dating. I had been asked out a few times before- certaintly not often, I know people who in the span of a year have dated more people than guys who have ever asked me out in the entirity of my dating age life so far… so to put things in some perspective, I guess I’m not very attractive- despite having people, including strangers- who have randomnly come up to tell me I am stunning- and I’m also picky. I wasn’t interested in the guys who did ask me out, so I never gave it a try. I’m not sure what I am looking for exactly, except that when I have liked men in the past, I have known that I have liked them and they often mean a lot to me fairly quickly.

    So with this guy 15 months ago… we were friends for about 4 months. We met at church and are both heavily involved with the community there. He was staying there to get this life in order- get off drugs- and he had a girlfriend, and was also quite a bit younger than me. Still as soon as I met him I felt I had just met someone special and that feeling continued to grow as I got to know him better, and eventually fell in love with him pretty much before we started dating- though dating did help reveal that love to me. Anyway he wound up breaking up with his girlfriend about 3 or 4 months after he moved in. Two months later he and I were dating, after having spent about a month in what I would have called a close friendship, feeling as if he was my best friend.

    Despite having worked as friends before, as a couple we lasted a mere 3 weeks!! We got into a fight where I’m not even sure what happened but something just died- at least for him. He had to leave town for work the day after the fight. he left without any communication with me, and I left it for a day. Then the next mornign I sent one of our usual good morning texts. I hadn’t yet decided what to do, but I wanted to be able to at least talk with him about things before breaking it off. Well no response to the text… so by evening I sent another saying that I just needed a response, even if it was telling me to f-off, that I just needed to know he was there. I got a response saying he had been working all day and he would text later. I felt it was a bit of a cop-out, work had never stopped him from a quick reply before. But I especially knew it wasn’t true when about an hour or so later I get a text that says he’s drunk, and I tell him that I wanted to ask him a few things, but that now wasn’t the time. So he agrees and says he’d text the next evening after work.

    So day three into our estrangement and I decided that I wanted to work on things and stick it out a bit longer. That we were such good friends, and that I did love him and I didn’t want to run at the first signs of trouble. I was hoping that we’d somehow manage to get at least on somewhat of a talking ground with that night’s texting, with some sort of plan on what we wanted to do when he got home and had the ability to have an actual conversation (he didn’t have minute son his phone so couldn’t call while away, unless he got hold of someone else’s phone). Anyway turns out I wasn’t worth the effort to him, he never texted, and at that point I knew it was over. I sent a text saying that i still loved him and had decided that I wanted to talk and work things out, but that I couldn’t sit around and wait for a text message that wasn’t going to come… it took 12 hours for him to respond and say that he was basically going to say the same thing.

    So fast forward a month later and he is dating someone else, meanwhile I am still trying to let go but to also be able to talk. At the time he and I were committed to working together on a committee at our church and I wanted ot have a betetr conversation with him to get on better footing for at least being able to work together. We made plans twice to have that conversation, but it never happened. The first time the timing didn’t work out because by the time I could meet up with him, we’d only have a few mins before his girlfriend was going to be there, the second, well, his life went on a bad track for about a month, and the morning we were going to talk, he found himself on the street with this new girl…

    I’m scared for him and just can’t wrap my head around all this- wondering what was going on, where the guy I loved went, and just feeling so much pain at knowing who he could be and was trying to be, but seeing him loosing that.

    About a month later he is back living at the church to work on himself again.

    So now here we are, 12 months later, and he is happy. He is that man I saw and thought I was dating. His full personality has come out and he’s safe. The problem is for me is that this past year I have been removed from his life. he has had a big decision to join the religious community at the church, thus committing himself to God for the rest of his life… and he and I never talked. I am not surprised by this decision, because as I said, even I can see that this community is the best place for him, it’s where he shines and is at his best, but it hurts that I missed out on being part of all this for him, that i have no idea what was going through his heart and head the past 12 months, and how he got to a place of just total abandonment and surrender to God and being able to give of himself to what makes him happy. 15 months ago all he wanted to do was get married. It’s all he had wanted for the past 4 years of his life, and apparently it’s what he had hoped for with me for the 3 weeks we dated and a few weeks before that. I still can’t quite wrap my head around where he is now and how we got there the past while, especially when for me, those 3 weeks we dated are still so fresh and close to my heart.

    I still love him and am struggling over not wanting him to leave his path because I know it’s what is best for him, and struggling over letting him go and being able to accept that he and I aren’t going to be together again, and that’s partially because right from the day or two before we even offically broke-up, he had given up and let me go…

    it’s also hard because we’re both so involved with the community. The community he has joined is like my second family. I live far away from my actual family, so on a daily basis this community is my family. And he’s now officially part of it,, yet we have never had an actual conversation beyond a few sentences. Meanwhile I see his relationship with others who are close to the community blossom, and grow even deeper. It especially hurts to see this with another woman that we were both friends with and that was a close part of our social group when we were friends and when we dated. What hurts though is one: that when his life got messy, she wasn’t sympathic and had a harsh reaction. yet over the past 12 months it was to her that he was turning. I have actually felt like over the past 12 months I’ve seen her replace me, being for him what I once was before we dated. Only it hurts to know that what they have has lasted and as such is probably even more real and deeper than anything I ever had with him. I seem to be someone that when ouch came to shove, he didn’t care enough for to fight for…

    So I’m not sure what the point is of this except to express my pain and see what others have to say. I know the answer is to let go and to just let him have his friendships. That if I’m not someone who has that with him, then I am not. Guess that despite my feelings and thoughts, we never had much to build on because if we did we probably would have found our way back to it, either in terms of friendship or dating again. I have had someone very close to the two of us tell me that his dating of me had more to do with him creating an image for himself than it did with him responding to me…

    Yet knowing this in my head is different than knowing it in my emotions. I still want to just be able to talk with him, and be in his arms every time I see him. Or at least I want it to be like it was before.. which I know it can’t be and isn’t, but anyway.. I just don’t know how to let go of someone who is still there, that I still love, but that also isn’t there anymore, and that is close with people that I can’t quite understand why they are close to…

    I want the besy of both, I want him to be able to do what he is doing and to be the best he is, yet to also be with me, which is impossible… arugh!

    ghostbusterbill
    ghostbusterbill
    Participant
    October 16, 2013 at 10:23 am #41262

    😥

    ghostbusterbill
    ghostbusterbill
    Participant
    October 16, 2013 at 10:24 am #41263

    Sorry for some reason my first comment didn’t post, but I think you should just let go even though you already know you should. No communication at all it what you need. Its all too painful for you. Move on for good

    JojoMojo
    JojoMojo
    Participant
    October 16, 2013 at 10:27 am #41268

    Wow, that’s quite the first post!

    My initial thought is “Well, if you dated 3 weeks before getting into a major fight, he’s probably not the one.” But its apparent you have very strong feelings toward him, so I know how those can be possible to ignore.

    Can you ask him to meet you somewhere to just have a good long conversation, putting everything out on the table? That’s the only way I see for you to either get closure our to be with him…?


    enelya_taralom
    Participant
    October 16, 2013 at 4:31 pm #41335

    Thanks for the responses. I’m thinking them over, but I’m not sure about them. As mentioned, he is now part of this community which is my second family. Anytime I go to their place, or just to church, he is going to be there. Cutting off that contact would also have to then mean cutting off contact with the whole community, which is pretty drastic and unfair to everyone else.

    I would love to talk. My main hesitation is it seems unfair to ask him 15 months later when it was only 3 weeks and he seems to have pretty clearly moved on, having dated someone else and now having committed this life to something else that only involves me in terms of me being around for the time being. I’m sure his deciding to join the community has nothing to do with me, I very highly doubt I crossed his mind in any of his decisions. I know that all I stand to loose is him thinking I’m crazy and clingy in asking, but the end result will be the same- we’re polite now because of our common circle, but not friends. But I guess because he’s important to me, even if I’m not to him, than what he thinks of me is still something that’s important to me and I am hesitant to do anything that could make his opinion of me low or lower… or to just make things awkward when they don’t really need to be, because I feel that if there was any chance he was interested and had anything to say, he would have said it / done something because I’ve been around and the chances have been there.

    GomesLoy
    GomesLoy
    Participant
    October 17, 2013 at 12:38 pm #41361

    Sorry for some reason my first comment didn’t post, but I think you should just let go even though you already know you should. No communication at all it what you need. Its all too painful for you. Move on for good

    Yes, i absolutelly agre, do in such a way, leave the situation!

    sharklasers
    sharklasers
    Participant
    October 17, 2013 at 2:46 pm #41376

    ghostbusterbill wrote:Sorry for some reason my first comment didn’t post, but I think you should just let go even though you already know you should. No communication at all it what you need. Its all too painful for you. Move on for good

    Yes, i absolutelly agre, do in such a way, leave the situation!

    I also agree with this. Moving on is the best you can do.


    Crystal23
    Participant
    November 14, 2013 at 3:26 pm #42891

    I think you are complicating things for yourself by worrying about it. I think it is fine for men and women to remain friends after breaking up. How does he feel about it? Have a talk with him. Of course, dating another guy while going on private dates with an ex may give the wrong message and make things awkward. But I have remain friends with a few boyfriends and one is best friends with the current guy I’m dating.