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woodj3ParticipantFebruary 11, 2017 at 6:43 pm #126568
We have been dating for about 3 months trying to take it slow. Moving forward then stepping back when we recognize our want to move too fast. We have been exclusively seeing each other for about a month. Last night I was home and she went out to a small concert at a friends house. She had texted me a link to a song she wanted me to hear and that was that. I couldn’t go because I have my daughter every weekend. When I saw her today she mentioned that she got a text from the singer of the band about a friend of hers that she was at the show with. About an hour after that i was as work and asked her if she gave the singer of the band her number and after a little bit of beating around the bush she said she did. She said the reason she did was in order to get the link she sent me the night before. We had talked prior a few times about letting the other person know when another sex exchanges numbers with us and/or texts us. I’m annoyed that I had to ask her. Should I be annoyed?February 11, 2017 at 7:48 pm #126570
ok here is the best advice you will ever get.
never look at the incident, occurrence, or event and judge.
ALWAYS look at the aftermath of that and how the person handles the aftermath to judge.
there could be something going on. there might not be. it could be very innocent (so innocent that she never though to mention it to you), or it could be she didn’t ention it because she has something to hide. see?
the event and the incident NEVER tells you whats what
how she handles the aftermath is.
What has she been doing in the aftermath since this was revealed?February 11, 2017 at 7:52 pm #126571
in fact.. here is an idea (as a way to illsutrate how to make it about the aftermath and not the incident).
the perfect way to have handled this was to have said: “oh ok. cool. i’m glad he was able to give US (emphasize “us”) that link.. it was cool”…
then you can turn around and say, “so now that we have the link.. why don’t you go ahead and delete his number then… you did say that’s why you got his number.. to get the link right?”
now.. HOW SHE HAndles THAT QUESTION (the aftermath) will tell you exactly if 1. she was tellng the truth, 2. if there is another eason she got the number … based on how willing she is to get rid of it now.. and if not.. “well.. why di you still need the number if you already got the lnk?”
see the difference? with the scenario above.. you’re not at her for something that happened and thus showed strength, confidence, and trust. that she gave the number away to get the link (according t her) – no big deal to you. cool. now delete the # 🙂February 11, 2017 at 7:54 pm #126572
NOW.. you’re not the bad guy for “being over jealous and snooping and being nosey”… and epecially prematurely if it was innocent.
NOW.. she’s the bad guy for either lyhing to you.. or it was innocent and she deletes the number and you both move on… no nastiness. and you come off as a totally understanding guy that isn’t jealous and snooping and cool about things like her giving her number away for specific innocent reasons.
woodj3ParticipantFebruary 11, 2017 at 10:18 pm #126580
When we first talked about it, she eventually insisted that it was just for the link and that she should have shared with me the fact that she shared her number with another guy. I suggested that this was a good opportunity for us to learn more about each other. She was afraid that I was going to break up with her because my past with her has shown that when something difficult comes up I “get away”, my emotional flight response. This time I stuck it out and I’m glad I did. I messaged her tonight, that It was nice of John Doe to share the link with her so she could share it with me and now we don’t need his number for anything. She immediately screen shot the conversation she had with him and told me his number was now the last thing she needed in the world and thanked me for holding her accountable. (that was a little confusing for me). She said she deleted the number and conversation. She is a great person and I’m glad I paused and waited to respond. Thanks Richiro.February 12, 2017 at 1:49 pm #126608
awesome! told you that was the best way to handle it – b/c you are now the good guy, holding up for the “right values for a couple” (aka not lying or hiding things from each other).. and it appealed to what females want and need most in a relationship – honesty and loyalty.
“thanks for holding me accountable” is basically a girls’ way of saying the exact same reason why i said that was the best way to handle this: it showed you don’t jump to conclusions, are accusatory, and trust he when she explained her reasons. but as well b/c of her reasoning you reasonably asked her that the “number could now be deleted” and b/c it was her own reasoning – she had no choice but to agree and delete the number.
in addition.. it also pointed out to her that the relationship can’t have secrets, and forgetting to tell yousometihng like that is NOT something she would want YOU TO DO – so “holding her accountable” meant she has to also comply with the things she wants you to comply to.February 12, 2017 at 1:50 pm #126609
so in essence what we just accomplished is.. going from you demanding that she be accountable to you (when you first accused her) to your standards…. to making it about her complying with her OWN standards.
I’m so glad it worked out well! Like I said that was the most ideal or best way to handle it 🙂February 12, 2017 at 1:52 pm #126610
oh btw.. the last and MOST IMPORTANT thing you got out of this is… we now know proof-positive that it TRULY was innocent (she showed you the exact text between he and her).. and that’s gold right there.
she’s a good one my friend. and now you just proved to her you are a good one too. 🙂
estate that it worked out and all is well 🙂
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