Going going gone.


Going going gone.

  • Hayley Matthews Hayley Matthews
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    March 4, 2013 at 12:15 pm #24430
    Going going gone.

    I recently, in the last week, met a person on an on-line app. I did a search for someone who would meet the physical traits I would potentially look for in a partner. The app is geared towards the bear and chub community so people on there understand that there are, indeed, bears (hairy guys) and chubs (fat guys) on there. I am the latter. I take care of myself, carry myself with poise, etc.

    Then I saw him, like a shining beacon, the type of guy that was so gorgeous I couldn’t peel my eyes away! I did notice, in fair disclosure, that his profile said he was into bears and muscle bears as well as long term relationships. I figured what the hell, it was worth a shot. He’s 25 and a graduate student according to his profile – I’m 31 and just accepted a job in his city where I am moving soon.

    We started chatting and he checked out my profile. It clearly shows my height and weight as well as my standing as a Chub. In fact, we chatted about it before we really even got started talking.

    We started talking and found we really hit it off – like a lot. We decided to schedule a time to talk on the phone the next day and literally talked for two hours, losing track of the time. The next day we spoke again at length. Both times we learned about each other, our backgrounds – our similar philosophies and passions to the point we even began finishing each other’s sentences.

    In 15 years of dating I have NEVER met anyone I share this sort of synergy with. He felt the same way. We decided we would DEFINITELY be going on a date when I go there this weekend to look for an apartment. He offered to help me look for a place and help me unpack.

    Then last night happened. We were chatting and he told me he needed to tell me something that had been bothering him a little bit. It wasn’t a big deal, but he wanted to talk to me on the telephone. So we talked on the phone and he repeated to me that he found guys with beards and hairy chests the most attractive – but that he didn’t mean that to discourage me – that he thought I was attractive and he didn’t want to miss out on having the chance to date me because he had never found anyone like me ever before. We connect so incredibly well.

    Back story – His parents are extremely strict and he only came out of the closet earlier this year. He dated one guy that matched his type completely but they had little in common. The relationship ended in a month.

    So he confided in me that he was very concerned that while he knows I am the right choice for him for what he wants out of his life that he is very concerned that he is not mature enough to make the correct decision and not be able to overlook his “type”. We had a long, philosophical conversation about future selves and past selves and he felt confident that he really wanted to date me – even without me telling him he should or trying to make a case for myself – I was more concerned with him coming to his best conclusion, as I would rather he just be happy. Since that, though, he’s been somewhat distant and aloof. We talked on the phone a couple times today but it’s been pretty brief – not sure if he’s legit busy or just putting me off.

    I told him today that I was sorry he was facing this sort of dillemma on top of everything else he was facing with his friends and family and that I really wish I could also be what he truly wants physically as well. He called me and told me that I shouldn’t wish that, that I should just be what I am – that he doesn’t want to start his new relationship off with asking me to change myself. – he actually used the relationship word.

    I’m so fricking confused right now and don’t have any clue what to do.

    March 4, 2013 at 1:06 pm #24477

    I think it’s important to listen a little harder sometimes when someone you’re interested in/care for, down right tells you what they want. We only want to hear what we like and instead of doing as the other wishes, we go to denial and try to convince them otherwise. It’s a downhill situation if you aren’t able to reach a common understanding. I can see how it may be frustrating because he isn’t quite direct but you can easily put most of these pieces together.

    -He just came out and has only had 1 (failed) relationship to relate to
    -He has his reservations with you bc you don’t fit his physical type

    So far, you seem like 2 cons to his list of “must haves” and I think it’s because his list is pretty short. It’s very superficial and he doesn’t know how to be with someone who can compliment his personality/characteristics without falling to his own ways.

    In all, I think he needs time to develop as a man and date around with his “type” and see if that’s what he really wants. If you stick around you might just be a distraction to his quest to find his Bear.

    March 4, 2013 at 1:59 pm #24482

    It just didn’t make sense to me because like – we talked about very in depth stuff together and about dating and how he definitely, unquestioningly wants to date me. I just don’t get it but you’re likely right, Chipdip.

    March 5, 2013 at 6:10 pm #24662

    You should take everything he says with a grain of salt. He’s expressed uncertainty with his personality and only SOME confidence in a relationship with you. You’re not listening to the whole story. Being naive to some clues just to favor what works best for you isn’t how to choose what’s worth it for you. You already know what to do in this situation, you’re clearly holding on to small almost meaningless reasons that definitely won’t last in the long run.

    I may be completely wrong but unless he’s willing to devote 100% of himself to you, I don’t think you’ll be really happy with a half-ass relationship.

    March 8, 2013 at 5:15 pm #25370

    People who are still unsure of what they want (and admit it) generally don’t have a grasp of what they’re looking for in a relationship. You may be confident in who you are and what you can offer a man but a half-ass relationship isn’t worth fighting for. I might be jumping the gun with assumption on who this guy may be, but it’s a faulty pattern most people into without realizing it.