He is sending mixed signals!

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He is sending mixed signals!

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  • Hayley Matthews Hayley Matthews
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    SweetGirl30
    Participant
    March 6, 2013 at 12:50 pm #24716
    He is sending mixed signals!

    So I met this guy online a couple of weeks ago. He immediately took down his profile after meeting me and we have been texting since. However, he was quite persistent when it came to adding me on facebook, calling me, etc… He lives about 4 hours away.

    I went to his town for a visit with my friend a couple of weeks after we met online and he suggested we meet. However, he did not respond to any of my messages while I was there. He then sent me a message the day after my trip asking me how I liked his town.

    We kept talking on the phone after that incidence and we usually set up these conversations well in advance. In the past few weeks, it has happened that he went cold on me by not texting me for a couple of days or not calling me at the time we had agreed to talk on the phone with each other, etc…

    On the other hand, he keeps bothering me with questions about my exes, my family and my life in general. Usually, at the end of such a conversation, he would ask me when I would be available to talk to him again in the next few days. However, he failed to call me last time and I am really fed up with this.

    He sends me greeting cards in the mail all the time and I don\\\’t know what to make of this. I am confused and I am about to break this off for good, but I am not sure if that\\\’s a good idea since I don\\\’t know where things are going with this person.


    harrytimes
    Participant
    March 7, 2013 at 11:22 am #24868

    He’s getting pretty personal a little too soon. Tell him you’re getting busy and can’t commit to anything right now. Let him go easy, he seems to wear his heart on his sleeve. Unless you want to just slow things down, tell him his gestures are nice but you prefer to take it a lot slower. Hopefully he gets the hint.


    slobeachboy
    Participant
    March 12, 2013 at 2:26 am #25511

    So let me get this straight. This guy knew that you were driving 4 hours to visit his town on a particular day, and he supposedly wants to meet you, yet he’s completely incommunicado the whole time you are there? I’d say this guy’s definitely hiding something and I think deep down inside you know that. I hate to say it but it sounds like he has a girlfriend or wife. After all in this day and age where everybody has a mobile phone why would you need to schedule times to talk “well in advance”? Are there certain times of the day or night when he’s consistently unreachable by phone, or when he’s requested that you don’t try to call him? My advice would be first to tell him that you prefer phone calls to text messaging, even if you don’t, because if he does have a girlfriend it will be harder for him to sneak a phone call than to sneak out a text message. And if he never answers his phone, when he’s not supposed to be at work then you know something’s up. Also before meeting ANYONE in person from the Internet you should always have at least one web cam chat. Everyone has a web cam these days so there’s really no excuse for not video chatting first to make sure the person in the photo is really the person you are talking to. It’s just common sense. With me if anyone refuses or they keeps making excuses why they can’t, I always just assume that they have something to hide and I move on. Anyway I hope I’m wrong about this guy but something’s just not adding up.


    SweetGirl30
    Participant
    March 12, 2013 at 12:43 pm #25553

    So let me get this straight. This guy knew that you were driving 4 hours to visit his town on a particular day, and he supposedly wants to meet you, yet he’s completely incommunicado the whole time you are there? I’d say this guy’s definitely hiding something and I think deep down inside you know that. I hate to say it but it sounds like he has a girlfriend or wife. After all in this day and age where everybody has a mobile phone why would you need to schedule times to talk “well in advance”? Are there certain times of the day or night when he’s consistently unreachable by phone, or when he’s requested that you don’t try to call him? My advice would be first to tell him that you prefer phone calls to text messaging, even if you don’t, because if he does have a girlfriend it will be harder for him to sneak a phone call than to sneak out a text message. And if he never answers his phone, when he’s not supposed to be at work then you know something’s up. Also before meeting ANYONE in person from the Internet you should always have at least one web cam chat. Everyone has a web cam these days so there’s really no excuse for not video chatting first to make sure the person in the photo is really the person you are talking to. It’s just common sense. With me if anyone refuses or they keeps making excuses why they can’t, I always just assume that they have something to hide and I move on. Anyway I hope I’m wrong about this guy but something’s just not adding up.

    Thank you for your comment! I am not sure if he has a girlfriend or wife. He added me on facebook as well and a couple of days after he added me, he filled in his relationship status as “Single”.

    We did have a couple of video chats but lately he has been going silent on me, like he doesn’t come online on the time we had agreed on and doesn’t text me about it. I don’t understand because he tells me I am pretty and that our conversations are interesting and fun. Yet, he goes cold on me like that.

    He says he is very busy and I felt inclined to believe that because he is a professional athlete and he runs his uncle’s business on the side but the more days that pass without a sign for him, the more I start to get my doubts about him and his intentions. For instance, he had promised long time ago to send me some of his homemade beer. Yet, I haven’t received anything (and I don’t drink beer anyway, but it’s all about the gesture!).

    He is only available in the late afternoon/early night up until 11 pm when he usually goes to bed.

    I don’t know what to make of this. What are your thoughts on this? Thanks!


    slobeachboy
    Participant
    March 12, 2013 at 5:46 pm #25608

    SweetGirl,

    Well, at the very least we know this guy is very unreliable and is totally unable to follow through on anything. So now you really need to ask yourself if this is really the kind of guy you want to get involved with? I certainly know what my answer would be. I understand that the guy is busy and all but there are lots of very busy people in this world and, unless they are total flakes, they all somehow manage to make time for the people they care about and to follow through on their commitments.
    Anyway I’ll tell you how I handled a similar situation many years ago. I was living in Santa Barbara at the time and one weekend I decided to go clubbing in LA. Anyway toward the end of the night I met this gorgeous girl who was out at this club with a bunch of her girlfriends. They had to leave about 30 minute later but I walked them to their car and gave her my phone number, not really expecting her to call. The next weekend though in the afternoon she called me and it quickly became apparent that she was really into me – I guess I made more of an impression than I had originally thought. Anyway we really clicked on the phone as we both had a similar sense of humor and outgoing personalities.
    Needless to say I was really looking forward to getting together with her in person again sometime soon. The problem was, I soon realized that I could never reach her on her cell phone as it was always either turned off or she didn’t answer. And when I say “never” I mean not once in the whole time I knew her. I always had to wait for her to call me, which obviously set off some red flags. She would sometimes sneak a quick call to me from her work, even though she’s not allowed to use her cell phone there. And twice she called me while driving home from work but both times she would insist on hanging up as soon as she was in sight of her house. She never once talked to me from home, where she supposedly lived with her sister and her sister’s husband. Now, I always know when someone is lying to me or holding something back, even when its not as blaringly obvious as it is in this case. However, I usually never confront them about it or accuse them. Instead I just give them some time to come clean on their own. And if they don’t after a certain amount of time, I simply move on. It’s as simple as that. In her case though I decided to make an exception and a month after we initially met I wrote her an e-mail explaining my reservations with the whole situation. I told her that I liked her a lot but that there was something she was not telling me and that I’m just not into the whole cloak and dagger thing. I told her I like to be completely up front in my relationships and I didn’t like having to always feel like were sneaking around when she was supposedly single. I said that for all I knew she might be the one who was married rather than her sister. Anyway she wrote back a scathing angry e-mail and after that I was never able to calm her down or reason with her again so it was pretty much over at that point. Of course I never did find out what was going on. Was she married? Was her sister’s husband a jealous control freak who forced her into an affair with him? Did she have a boyfriend that her sister really liked and so she could not let her family know about me? Who knows, and who cares? She should have told me, whatever it was, rather than insulting my intelligence by expecting me to believe her extremely obvious deceptions.
    Anyway, two years later, I accidentally called her when trying to call someone else who was right next to her in my speed dial list. At first I didn’t know who I was talking to but once we both realized who was who it became apparent that she was still angry. In fact, she was like this seething cauldron of hatred directed squarely at me. And all because I had once politely asked her to please come clean with me about what was going on in her life.
    The point of telling you all this is that, although for a long time I had regretted not having gotten together with this girl, now I can see that I had actually dodged a bullet. After all, for her to harbor that kind of hatred for someone that she once cared deeply for, and for that long, means that she has some very severe psychological issues. Sure, it would have been heaven at first being with her, but then it would have quickly turned into a nightmare.
    Take what you will from this story.


    SweetGirl30
    Participant
    March 12, 2013 at 6:24 pm #25618

    slobeachboy

    thank you for sharing this story! It always sucks when people are hiding things. However, with this guy I felt like he was being completely honest with me about being single. It sounds as if your ex (?) has mental issues; either she was married like you said or just crazy? It doesn’t sound healthy when you have to live with your sister and her husband… It’s not healthy for the married couple nor for the single person. Maybe things went wrong in that marriage (domestic violence, abuse, cheating, etc…) and she didn’t want that to happen to her if she were to get married? However, the over the top reaction makes me think she has mental issues.

    My main issue is not so much with the being single part but rather with the fact that he suddenly disappeared without any apparent reason. This is the 4th time in about a year that this has happened to me and I have no clue why. I am not a needy person, I don’t text and call guys like crazy. In fact, I usually wait for them to contact me and go from there. The only “scary” thing about me is that I am looking for a serious relationship and not for some fling. This guy expressed the same views and intentions until he suddenly went cold… Maybe I am doing something wrong?


    slobeachboy
    Participant
    March 12, 2013 at 7:37 pm #25621

    SweetGirl,

    Actually that was kind of the point I was trying to make. At this point it shouldn’t really matter if he is single or not, or how much you think he cares about you. As for me, if people consistently fail to follow through on their promises and commitments then its over. In fact if a girl even stood me up on a date once there wouldn’t be a second date. That is unless she had an incredibly good excuse – like her mother was rushed to the hospital in critical condition or something like that. And the same goes if they constantly drop off the grid for days at a time. Unless he or she is secretly working as a CIA operative there’s really no excuse for it
    By the way, I once had a situation like yours where I traveled a very long way to see a girl and I couldn’t reach her when I got to her town. Anyway since she knew I was coming and since she never came up with a good excuse I dropped her right then and there.
    That’s me though and only you can say what you will put up with and what you will not and for how long.
    Anyway whatever you do don’t get caught in that “what did I do wrong” trap. It’s never a matter of something you did or didn’t do. Things just either click or they don’t and if he’s not feelin’ it anymore than it doesn’t really matter what his rational is. Let it go.


    SweetGirl30
    Participant
    March 20, 2013 at 5:07 pm #25933

    slobeachboy,

    Thank you for your advice. It made me think things through and I came to the conclusion that I do want to walk away.

    However, he emailed me this morning telling me he had been very busy and he apologized for not talking to me. I don’t feel like talking to him anymore. If he is fine with disappearing for days on end and then coming back again, he is probably not that into me or he must have commitment issues or other stuff going on in his life. Due to his indecisive behavior, I am not “feeling it” anymore. I don’t like flaky people anyway. I prefer either a “yes” or a “no” and not a “maybe”.


    SweetGirl30
    Participant
    March 20, 2013 at 5:08 pm #26001

    slobeachboy,

    He did text me 2 days ago and it was quite a long text explaining me what he had been up to and why he hadn’t been able to contact me. Yet, I see texting as the least preferable medium of communication (he could have just called but he doesn’t do that anymore) and I haven’t texted him back (yet).
    I honestly don’t know what to do with this. One part of me wants to text him back and start talking to him again, whereas on the other hand I just don’t want to text him back and see if he will eventually contact me again. I feel like if he really cares, he should have texted me in those “busy days” as well. It’s been 2 weeks since our last call and we haven’t exchanged more than 5 texts since then so I am assuming he is no longer interested. Don’t know if that’s right though.


    slobeachboy
    Participant
    March 20, 2013 at 6:48 pm #26505
    Reply To: He is sending mixed signals!

    Sweetgirl,

    Well I definitely feel for you, having been caught up in some very troubled relationships in my youth myself. I’m afraid often times we are like moths being drawn to the flame and even though we know deep down that we are going to get burned we just cant help ourselves. Anyway, unfortunately nobody else can make this decision for you. All I can do if give the best assessment of the situation that I can based on the information I have. The rest is up to you. I will keep my fingers crossed for you however and hope that whatever decision you make turns out to be the right one for you.


    SweetGirl30
    Participant
    April 21, 2013 at 1:32 pm #29236
    Reply To: He is sending mixed signals!

    slobeachboy,

    I think I have made the wrong decision. I met up with him a couple of weeks ago, he tried to have sex with me which I refused and despite the “commitment talk” which he brought up and plans for a second date, I haven’t heard from him since. What’s wrong with him?