Help, so confused!!!!


Help, so confused!!!!

  • Hayley Matthews Hayley Matthews
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    February 13, 2013 at 1:14 pm #22627
    Help, so confused!!!!

    In December I met a guy online. We hit it off with our phone conversation. Instead of a date date. I suggest we go hiking as a ice breaker. It went well, but I wasn’t that attractive to him. But his personality keep me intrigue. We have many late night conversation up to 3 hours. He quite a talker. He kept trying to set up an actual date, but I kept postponing was because a) I have some legal issue I’m going thru. B) he have a kid which I never been involve with anyone who have kid. .So I was trying to figure it out how to go about doing so. I know he like me a lot and was very interested in me. We continue to talk for a month but no meet up. Then my legal issue got out of hand. So I have to kindly step back and I wrote him a nice email saying I’m not in the right mind frame right now to take anything further, but we can definitely continue our friendship that we built. He didn’t response and I let it go for 6wks. During this 6 wks I got my stuff together and I just could help thinking about him. So I took a chance which maybe you guys disagree. I made the first move and text him. He didn’t respond for 6 hrs, but he call instead. We talked and catch up and I told him that I should have been honest. I told him I was going through some legal matter and I wanted to take care of that before I focus on anything else. He say he understand. We later talk for 3 hours that night. Then he ask me to dinner the next night. I agreed.
    The date went well, he was so attentive and gentlemen. Our date end till the restaurant closed and we moved our conversation to the parking lot. We chatted for another 30 mins. I can tell he didn’t want the date to end. I always told him in the beginning I don’t kiss or hold hand on a first date. So he reach out for a hug. He hug me soooo tight and it was the longest hug in the nation. I believe that was a full 2min hug. Then we parted.
    I didn’t hear anything from him the next day. Nor the next day after. Keep-in mind this guys always been very consistent with his text and call. He doesn’t come off as someone who play games. So I finally text him “hey how are you?” 3 hrs later I get this long text saying something like this (“hi there, I just want to be honest about something. I like you quite a bit but there’s things that I haven’t clearly see yet for long term. I just want to do what best for me and my child. I hope you can respect that and if something clear up I will catch up with you. These thing you can’t force or pressure. Thanks, take care.”)
    As I was reading it I knew right aways. Cause the whole date I was being more reserve and I felt it at one point that i was giving mixed signal to him. As my go getter attitude, which is a no-no.. I call him to clear the air. I made it simple by saying…(” I understand, but I just want to clear any misunderstanding if I have give you. I just want to let you know that I like you, I would like to see you again, so if you want to call if not take care.” ) his respond was like this (” I don’t want JUST 2nd and 3rd date..what’s want is 2,3,4 date and more. I’m. Not a causal dater …I told him (” I understand neither do I, but everything takes time. So you take your time and think. Beside just because we can’t be something more, I don’t see why we can be friend. If you interested in that route let me know”) I ended the convo there….
    3 mins later I get a text saying…..”( that’s perfectly fine but let me soak this all in k? Take care for now ;-)” ….what’s with the winky face?? You guys think i hear from him or should I move on? Is he afraid I disappear again is that why?

    February 13, 2013 at 6:13 pm #22643

    You definitely gave him mixed signals. And if they’re YOUR mixed signals, it’s because you’re unsure of what you want in the first place.

    You like the attention and you like how nice he’s being but you seem..unbalanced. He has a child, he has things (hopefully) a bit more together with his responsibilities. The last thing he needs is a load of problems you may bring to the table.

    You probably tried to “test” him on that last dinner date by coming off reserved, but he wasn’t there to be tested, he probably came into dinner thinking this would be a “start over” and you didn’t react to what he had in his mind.

    I say you let him go, you’re interested in the chase, not the guy.

    February 15, 2013 at 4:36 pm #22845

    Right, I don’t think you like him, you like the consumption of time it takes to get his attention and the games you’re playing around with him. He doesn’t deserve a woman who doesn’t know what she wants. He has kids and probably wants someone who has things balanced and can include her into his life.

    If you’re already flakey and inconsistent so early on in the dating scenario, he won’t trust you enough to bring you into his home. Look for somebody else who is looking to casually date. I don’t think you need to be in anything serious until you know what you want. Find men who are like you: just trying to get to know people.

    February 19, 2013 at 11:21 am #23006

    Don’t feel so sad about i…he may not want to get into a serious relationship right now. He has his own problems and maybe seeing that you’re also unsure isn’t too appealing to him. Try to be friends first and THEN try to date. There’s no point in rushing it or playing games to see if he likes you.

    March 12, 2013 at 12:30 am #25509

    I completely agree with Scarlettjoe and Catalyst68’s brilliant analysis of the situation. Those two hit the nail right on the head. In fact, if I were on a date with you, I’m sorry to say, I would have made up my mind 5 minutes into it that I would not be asking you out on a second date. I suspect you are one of those women who has an almost compulsive need to make men desire you while at the same time making sure that they will never have you – although you may not be consciously aware that you are doing it. And what’s up with telling every guy you meet that you don’t kiss or hold hands on the first date. Have you really dated that many guys who are so dense that they would try to kiss a girl when she’s not putting out any signals that say she wants to be kissed? Most likely you are just always giving out mixed signals, as you said.
    Anyway, nobody should have “rules” for dating. You should always just play it by ear and go with the flow. If it feels right for both of you then just go for it, don’t check your rulebook to see if the time is right. Also I have to say, most guys just don’t care much for flakey women.
    As for your date and the two minute first date hug, I’m not sure what to make of that. Either he is a very nice affectionate guy who’s also possibly a little too insecure and clingy, or its all an act and he’s just trying to make you think that he’s a nice committed guy, and he’s overselling it a bit (I doubt that though). Or I suppose it could be some sort of cultural thing. After all, from your dozens upon dozens of grammatical errors I’m guessing that you were either born in non-English speaking country or you grew up in a poor, ethnic, urban neighborhood here. So I guess its reasonable to assume that he might have a similar background as you. By the way, the sentence “I wasn’t very attractive to him” means that he did not find YOU attractive, and I don’t think that’s what you meant to say.
    Anyway from what you’ve told us about your date I think this guy just picked up on the fact that, you’re either just not that into him, or you’re playing hard to get, and he just doesn’t want to get on that kind of frustrating emotional roller coaster ride. So just give the guy a break and let him off the hook. You know he’s not what you really want anyway.