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SweetlifevtParticipantSeptember 2, 2014 at 2:01 pm #60529
I’m a woman who very recently met a nice guy. We’re both in our mid 30s. We’ve had three nice dates in 2 weeks, and so far have only had a short, sweet kiss on the lips. He has also given other signs that he would like to begin to get physical, on at least some level.
He’s a nice guy, pretty normal and no red flags to speak of. I’m attracted to his mind and body, but I can clearly see we are really incompatible for a long term relationship. Major differences in how we want to live our lives.
I need to tell him it won’t work in the long run (maybe he’s already decided this, anyway). But I want to offer to have a friendship, and I’d also be interested in some version of being friends with benefits while we’re both otherwise single. Or maybe to keep dating and enjoying the company and romance but we both understand its not long term.
Is this a terrible idea?
How do I talk to him about this? Like, what are the actual words I can say to
SweetlifevtParticipantSeptember 2, 2014 at 2:02 pm #60530
him? If I offer sex and he refuses, have I ruined the possibility of having a normal friendship? He lives 1.5 hours away, and our communication has only been texting. Tell him via text? Seems bad to invite him over for a movie or let him invite me over again only to tell him I don’t want to be with him long term, but hey, wanna jump into bed together anyway?
Guys (and ladies), what is your advice?
BigBWolf26ParticipantSeptember 7, 2014 at 1:58 pm #60856
Seems to me that if I was the guy in your story, I’d appreciate you telling me flat out that you didn’t see a future together, but you still want my body….
Then he can either take you to bed, ask for an explanation as to why you think a real relationship won’t work out, or just walk away.
Really seems to be a simple dilemma.
adrushing83ParticipantSeptember 10, 2014 at 4:16 am #61346
I agree, you need to just be straight up with him. But dont do it by text. Maybe ask him on a date, and meet in his area. Go enjoy a nice meal together, and at the end of the evening get him in the bedroom. If you like sleeping with him, then propose the frienda with benifits idea to him. If not, then juat tell him that youve enjoyed your time together. But you dont see your relationship going any further than it all ready has. If the sex was mutually enjoyable, what single guy is going to turn you down. When you offer to sleep with him, and not have to worry about a commitment.
Instinct101ParticipantSeptember 12, 2014 at 4:16 am #61834
Lets break down some assumptions here.
Why do you need to tell him you don’t want a LTR?
-While it is true that sex is a healthy way to determine if love develops into an adult, committed relationship, sex is also what all of us hormonally, physically and emotionally need. While the survival of our species no longer requires every person to procreate, upon the basis for which monogamy or polyamory may be attributed, we are creatures who have evolved from those who were our only hope for survival for most of humanity.
What is significant about being LTR versus not?
-Committing to a LTR means you make it an obligation for yourself to protect your partners best interest indefinitely. By choosing to connect on a physical level solely, you must be honest with yourself that what you’re really saying is “I don’t want to be responsible for your pain when its over”. Which is appropriate, because you aren’t. Show up and go for the goods. If he denies you, you weren’t committed anyway.
AnonymousSeptember 13, 2014 at 10:40 am #61911
definitely need to let him know soon!
QuirksParticipantSeptember 13, 2014 at 4:43 pm #61922
I would do exactly what you are planning. Just level with him, feel free to be honest about the exact reasons why, and then offer the friends with benefits for a while option, and friends regardless. I can’t imagine a guy would be overly upset about the situation.
KittyHammerParticipantSeptember 13, 2014 at 6:27 pm #61928
This is coming from a perspective of a male in his 20’s; hopefully this will help.
A guy rarely gets offended when intercourse is involved. He will like you better for it.
However, you have to be very simple in words when it comes to telling him you rather keep things casual or friends with benefits.
Just call him and tell him straight: “I’m not interested in an LTR however I have an itch that needs to be scratched” or anything similar in your natural voice. You will save time. Texting is an option…yet it will complicate things.
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