I am a man who hates casual sex, and needs advice to save my relationship


I am a man who hates casual sex, and needs advice to save my relationship

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    April 3, 2013 at 5:37 pm #27702
    I am a man who hates casual sex, and needs advice to save my relationship

    Ok, let me start by saying my entire life I have hated the idea of casual sex. I idolized James Bond as a boy, but hated the fact he fell in love every movie but by the next one the woman was gone.

    I lost my virginity in high school and stayed with that girl for 5 years, and after we split and she started having sex with everything, I still couldn’t bring myself to have sex for months. Now, not to be vain, but I am a pretty attractive man. I’m 24 now, and have been working in bars for years. At the end of the night I have to throw away multiple phone numbers sometimes. Even though I am attracted to some of the woman that throw themselves at me, I believe sex should be about love, and the idea of hookups literally make my stomach turn.

    Now don’t get me wrong, I am not on some holier than thou preachy standpoint. I understand people who have casual sex, and respect it to a point, simply because I am unable to do so. I have had 5 one night stands, and they were the worst experiences in my life. I thought maybe I could force myself to enjoy random sex, no dice.

    So i’ve been seeing this girl, and I knew from the beginning she doesn’t see sex how I do. She brought up the numbers question and I asked her to please not tell me about her past, I knew it would bother me. But she told me shes slept with over 30 people (low compared to some of my female friends), and that she will pretty much sleep with any guy who finds her attractive.

    All I want is to understand, and have it not hurt so much. Please don’t think I am being judgmental, or cruel, because I do love her and I understand that the past is done, it has nothing to do with me, and that she loves me too. But this knowledge hurts me so much, to know that she (and in fact, 90% of people it seems) doesn’t care who she sleeps with. I mean, she told me she slept with her drug dealer just because she was getting good prices.

    I’m not looking to turn back time, I am not looking for a virginal nun, I just want to understand, from a woman’s standpoint, casual sex. All my life I have heard women say all men want is sex, all men care about is sex, but almost every girl I have met and dated has slept with much more people than me.

    At the end of the day, I want to know why am I so weird that I can’t have casual sex and enjoy it, and why all the women around me can. I want it to stop hurting so much, because I know for the rest of my life the women I date will probably have the same attitude, that sex is only physical and should be had with as many people as possible. I am afraid I will never be able to be happy in a relationship unless I can convince myself sex isn’t about love, because these days it sure doesn’t seem to be.

    Am I crazy? Am I wrong?

    April 7, 2013 at 9:13 pm #27874

    No man you’re not wrong at all. There are women who are less interested in having multiple partners also. You have to think about the settings that you are in. You wrote that you worked for a while in bars, well you are going to be more likely to find people looking to hook up and meet other people casually who go there.

    Trust me man, I feel the same way. I have many women tell me I’m attracted and girls like me, but I’m a shy guy (not saying you are) and can’t just go hook up with many women. I have a steady girlfriend who i think is beautiful and amazing and believe it or not we have been together fro 2 and a half years and we haven’t had sex. I’m not a virgin but she is a we are going to wait to get married to do so. I encountered her in college, but she was the type of girl who ddint’ go out to parties did work, very reserved and introverted. However most people didn’t understand because shes hot as hell. People didn’t understand how she didn’t enjoy partying and flirting around. I did. We connected because we both thought the same way, and sex wasn’t a part of it at all.

    You are a bit older than we were so its more likely women will not be virgins at 24, but my girl is 23 and a virgin. Try to open your horizons, seek women who aren’t going out a partying all the time, and you will be more likely to find a woman who isn’t as experience and looking for a more emotional connection prior to having sex.

    And NO, there is NOTHING wrong with you for thinking the way you do. It’s admirable and understandable to want to develop and emotional connection with someone before having sex with them.

    It seems to me you are a lot like I am in this respect so you have to feel 100 percent about this issue before you are comfortable. If the young lady you are talking to is worth it, and her past is worth overcoming because you love other things about her and want to be with her, try to let it go. If not, keep searching and you will find it. Take active steps to look elsewhere than the usual setting you are in. You will be more likely to find different women. -Phoebus

    April 12, 2013 at 6:54 pm #28516

    My hats off to you, bro! I’m the same way!! Old fashioned–one person only (monogamous relationship) is the way to go.

    April 15, 2013 at 12:29 pm #28748

    I think around your age women are flirtatious and pressured to land a “hot guy” without thinking about what they\’re genuinely interested in (a long term relationship) so these girls hook up, think they like the guy and then realize the sex wasn\’t enough to maintain a conversation. You’ve matured, you don\’t want to hook up anymore and you\’re interested in women, not little girls. Take your time when you meet new girls and try to hold off on sex for at least a month. See if she’s willing to wait with you and then make a choice if she’s worth sleeping with. consider yourself a golden trophy, and find a woman who deserves your time. Don\’t get cocky about it, instead be proud of who you are and confident in what you can bring to the table.

    Tony Foster
    July 12, 2014 at 5:21 am #57320

    No need to worry at all, my friend. I despise casual sex. You aren’t weird at all for not liking it. In my opinion, people who constantly engage in casual sex are literally assholes who are horny enough to get their rocks off some way or another, but stupid enough to sleep with someone for only 1 night and never pursue a relationship. Sex is about love. Fuck the one-night stands. Keep sex the way it should be: loving, long-term lasting, and romantic. You sound too smart for casual sex. I’m glad I’m not the only old-fashioned man.