I am deployed and my fiance wants to hookup with women

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I am deployed and my fiance wants to hookup with women

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    cp94
    Participant
    August 16, 2014 at 2:44 pm #59510
    I am deployed and my fiance wants to hookup with women

    I am deployed away from home for 5 more months. I thought things were going great with my fiance, but then she texted that we need to talk. She is having a really hard time without the physical attention. She says that she loves me, and I believe her. She had an idea to maybe breakup while I am gone and then get back together when I return because she doesn’t want to cheat on me. I told her that would still be cheating and I would not get back together with her. She is bi, so we came to a compromise that it would be ok for her to hookup with women only while I am gone. This is still hard for me because I am alone temporarily as well and respect her enough not to consider other women. I feel that she is being selfish by not waiting. She promised to keep it women only and I trust her with that but it still bothers me. They will be cuddling in our house while I am busy working 14 hours a day to pay for it. thoughts?


    carterspindle
    Participant
    August 17, 2014 at 5:11 am #59517

    I would absolutely not be ok with that. I think you giving her that kind of freedom can lead to a lot of issues. What if the girl or girls wants a man involved? What if she falls in love with this girl? What if she continues to secretly hook up with her after youve came back? What if the lady has std and she gives it to you. These are questions you must ask yourself. Sorry to be so negative but I think it’s a serious situation. I really don’t know what else to say. I think her asking you that is very selfish and idk. I just think it’s wrong. I don’t know why but it just feels wrong to me. *even though I let my girl make out with another girl at a party*


    cp94
    Participant
    August 22, 2014 at 2:21 pm #59858

    I feel the same way. She says that if I love her then I’d be ok with it. I say if she loved me then she wouldn’t consider this. We have a strong difference of opinion on it. She has started talking to a few women and tells me all the details. She agreed not to hook up with a woman while a man is present and I trust her with that. One of the women suggested it but there are plenty of others to go for. I’m just taking it one day at a time right now and she still seems eager to talk to me everyday. She seems really confused and lost without me there so I try to be calm and patient about it. The alternative is to argue and end things. I figure we will see what happens and then sort it all out when I get home if she is still there. My job keeps me super busy and time is going by fast for me.


    BigBWolf26
    Participant
    September 7, 2014 at 2:01 pm #60857

    Thank your god that you found this out before the marriage & alimony payments.

    You are completely right that she shouldn’t be wanting to cheat on you, regardless if it was a woman or not. You need to ditch this girl yesterday, as hard as that may be to hear.


    whitepickle
    Participant
    September 7, 2014 at 10:07 pm #60860

    I would not be OK with this. There really should not be a difference between her seeing other women and other men. This same consequences apply.


    Anonymous
    September 9, 2014 at 9:53 am #60989

    Hi cp94,

    I find it so interesting how many people do not consider it cheating when it is with the same sex. As everyone else has said above, this is just as consequential as hooking up with a man. There is a deeper issue going on here. Her need for physical touch is coming from something else beyond just wanting the physical aspect. Plenty of people deal with it….they find ways. Being that she is bi….I will tell you that the people I have worked with through that type of lifestyle have A LOT of challenges going on. I have not come across 1 “bi” yet who is able to settle down for good. Imagine having soooooooo many choices! People who find pleasure in both men and women have a near impossible time saying no “forever” to 1 of them. It can last for awhile, but the idea of forever, at some point, makes them feel like some of their needs are not being met and then they crave being with the other category they blocked out by being married. There are a lot of issues when


    Anonymous
    September 9, 2014 at 9:58 am #60990

    someone who is ambiguous gets married. Yes, she may be selfish by asking this, but be thankful she is at least being honest enough to say something about it now. She probably met a woman and her lustful desires are taking over. Someone who truly wants to fight for their relationship and keep it healthy and safe, would look at their high need for this physical contact and work on finding the source of what’s making it come up. I personally would find some expert to help me through this. Because I promise, this issue will come up again. You may get deployed again and she will want to be with someone while you are gone. OR….she will get “bored” after 5 or 6 years of marriage and ask to be with a woman. These are just symptoms of some deeper, more serious issues she has. Here are the basics…being intimate with some else besides who you are committed to….breaks intimacy, trust and causes a million challenges that many people don’t foresee (that is, if you agree to monogamy)


    Anonymous
    September 9, 2014 at 10:04 am #60991

    Bottom line….you are feeling resentful already and that causes disconnect and challenge. Reality is, you truly do not feel okay about that and I have no doubt you would want to be with a woman who can handle you being deployed in a way that is respectful to you and her.

    So if you are going to accept who she is and if you still want to marry her….understand she will crave being with a woman many many times….whether you are deployed or not….this is who she is right now….either you accept her for who she is, or you don’t. By putting a cage on her, you will only activate her rebellion.

    All you can do is be you. By her asking you to accept her being intimate with another person is okay….you then have the freedom to say yes or no. If she is not willing to be okay with your “no” answer, then you have a choice to make.

    Hope this helps!

    warrior4488
    warrior4488
    Participant
    September 9, 2014 at 1:36 pm #61004

    Well, shes obviously not trustworthy. I think you have the answer to your question…


    Quirks
    Participant
    September 13, 2014 at 5:03 pm #61924
    Reply To: I am deployed and my fiance wants to hookup with women

    I think as someone else said she deserves credit for being honest with you. But I still think you just need to end it.

    Personally, I find the long waits to be extremely fun. You can send sexual fantasies back and forth. She could make naughty photos or videos for you.

    A friend of mine just married her military boyfriend, they started dating while he was home for a break from Iraq, he went back, finished that tour, and then did another before coming back to the US (and even then they lived on opposite coasts for a couple of years). She never once wanted someone else, and I think he was the same way.

    I know it’s hard at this stage, and with how devoted you are, but ultimately, I think it is best if you try to start thinking about a life without her.