I can't seem to figure her out

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I can't seem to figure her out

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  • Hayley Matthews Hayley Matthews
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    markduplass
    Participant
    August 13, 2014 at 11:24 am #59331
    I can't seem to figure her out

    Hi, so there’s this girl I like who I’ve been trying to go out on a date with but it hasn’t been working out. I work at the gym with her and see her quite regularly. It started off slow between us but after about a month we have gotten really close. I have been trying to read the signals that she gives me to be able to see whether she likes me but it’s hard considering that for the past three times we were supposed to go out, she had to cancel right when the date was supposed to happen. Now hard part is that at work we are always talking and we are usually close to each other and she touches me on the shoulder and sometimes lays her head on my shoulder and hugs me randomly and says “I love you” every now and then and when we text she’s been saying I love you sometimes whenever we text and all. I’m just confused on whether she actually likes me because it seems like the signals/signs are there but we can never get a date to happen. I don’t even know if she considers it a date.


    markduplass
    Participant
    August 13, 2014 at 11:25 am #59332

    And I really like her and she has a lot of the qualities that I like in a girl it’s just that I can’t seem to figure her out.


    8and8
    Participant
    August 14, 2014 at 11:07 am #59447

    Not what you wanna hear probly but ASK her. Ask her on a date. As in “Do you have plans tonight, I want to take you out on a date”.


    zee
    Participant
    August 15, 2014 at 8:07 am #59458

    You could try to just be direct about your feelings, tell her you look forward to going out with her and maybe jokingly throw in that you feel like your being avoided, she may just be nervous that you are looking to be more than friends and has not felt that possibility yet but don’t give up! 🙂


    KlickBack23
    Participant
    August 15, 2014 at 11:20 pm #59495

    I like to be direct but it can backfire.

    zanethehomie
    zanethehomie
    Participant
    August 24, 2014 at 12:13 pm #59925

    I think you should just ask her.

    canwejustnot
    canwejustnot
    Participant
    August 24, 2014 at 9:28 pm #59943

    I think you should just be direct with her and ask her on a date and make your intentions clear. Just talk to her and build trust & be honest.


    Anonymous
    August 24, 2014 at 9:46 pm #59946

    Hey….I’m going to give you a different perspective and maybe a few things to think about. First, saying “i love you” to a guy that is not your boyfriend is pretty dangerous ground AND are pretty powerful words to say to a guy you work with, have only been really close with for a month and has asked you out on a couple of occasions. This raises huge red flags for me. It makes me think she is a HUGE flirt and probably does this with guys so she can get them connected to her without her really taking the relationship anywhere. It’s actually quite the power trip. And I only have this perspective because I have played that game a few times when I was a lot younger. I knew what I was doing too. If you understand a lot of women get their self worth from a guy “wanting” them, girls learn to play the games of how to get the guy connected….even if she doesn’t want to be with him. And the game she is playing is one version of many. Now…I’m not saying she is even aware of what she


    Anonymous
    August 24, 2014 at 9:51 pm #59948

    is doing….and maybe she is….it doesn’t really matter….bottom line is…she can’t possibly value the word “love” very much to just throw it out there to you without you really having to earn it. Love takes a lot of time to build….and to say it to a guy that is a friend is pretty dangerous. I have a best friend who is a guy that I say “I love you” to often….but it took some time AND it took being VERY clear on BOTH ends that we were not interested in each other before we even exchanged those words! That’s more appropriate! What she is doing is most likely playing with you. Girls that work in a male dominated industry (at a gym – and I am a Strength Coach so I know this environment like the back of my hand) have a tendency to get along with men very well…..how to be that girl that is like “one of the guys” and how to hook a guy….because when you are around men ALL the time, you learn a few tricks of the trade. The other aspect that makes me think she is playing with


    Anonymous
    August 24, 2014 at 9:56 pm #59949
    Reply To: I can't seem to figure her out

    you is that she cancels the date last minute but has she ever tried to reschedule with you? Does she ever make the effort to make sure you guys DO go out?? I am guessing if she did, you wouldn’t be here confused. You are confused because she is sending you quite the flury of mixed messages. A girl like that can thrive off of having a handful of guys like her and she will flirt to keep them hooked on some level but never really take things further than being flirty and connective. A girl like that has a lot of low self esteem. A girl like that needs a men to give her attention so she knows she is valuable. A girl like that has never been loved well by the male role models in her life. I’m guessing this is part of her story. The dynamics of what is going on are very deep and I have just scratched the surface with what I have said. I get that she has a lot of qualities you are looking for. What is important when we are considering a relationship with someone is that we look at


    Anonymous
    August 24, 2014 at 10:07 pm #59950
    Reply To: I can't seem to figure her out

    ALL of their qualities….not just the good ones….we have to look at their limitations and their shadow side….because it affects you, just like your limitations will affect her. If I am considering dating a guy more seriously, I am watching like a hawk how he handles stress…how he treats himself, me and those around him. Because if he is not kind and respectful and honest and authentic UNDER ALL CONDITIONS, he is not someone I am willing to hand my heart over to. Of course, I have the same expectations for myself as well. So I suggest to take things a bit slower. I suggest to maybe set some boundaries in some way. There is a very fine line of a guy and a girl being “just friends”. You gotta ask yourself….do you like that she is saying “i love you” but then cancelling dates? Do you like the mixed messages she is sending you? You are just her pawn at this point. She does and says as she pleases without really caring about how her words and actions are affecting you.


    Anonymous
    August 24, 2014 at 10:12 pm #59951
    Reply To: I can't seem to figure her out

    I’m guessing she is in her 20’s. Anyway, you need to set some standards and just mold to a girl’s way of how she treats you. I personally (at my age now – but in my 20’s was different) do not touch or like to be touched in flirtatious ways unless it means something. I do not like to send mixed signals anymore. I hurt a lot of guys by my flirtatious behavior and as I got older, I realized how much I was doing that just for the attention and how much it was not kind to the person. So be that guy that sets some standards. If she is going to flirt, then call her on it. You could approach this a few ways. Be very upfront and just say listen…we flirt, you say you love me and I have asked you out a few times and you cancel. You are sending me mixed messages and I just am not interested in playing that game. If you are interested in going on a date and looking at the possibility of taking this further, then let’s go out. No more cancelling. If you are not interested, then


    Anonymous
    August 24, 2014 at 10:17 pm #59952
    Reply To: I can't seem to figure her out

    then I kindly request that you stop flirting with me and saying “i love you”. Your actions and words mean something to me and if they don’t mean the same thing to you, that’s okay….I just don’t want to participate in that anymore. It’s a gift you are giving her by holding her accountable to being in alignment. Her actions AND words need to be sending the same message and asking her to be congruent is helping her to be more in her higher self vs. continuing to play games with you. OR….you can kind of test it out. Pull back your energy and see what she does. Don’t be available for her to put her head on your shoulder, don’t flirt back, don’t respond to the “i love you”. Look at her words and actions as a game you don’t want to participate in, but still have your conversations and friendship. Do this for a couple of days and then you will find out what is really left between you guys. If she is someone who is using your energy and connection just to make herself feel valuable


    Anonymous
    August 24, 2014 at 10:23 pm #59953
    Reply To: I can't seem to figure her out

    then she will either disconnect and spend that energy on other guys, or she will chase after you…and then when you connect again and are available again, she will continue with the mixed messages…because her whole goal is to just keep you connected without taking things further with you. Who knows right??? That’s where you gotta step it up and create the experience YOU want vs. just sitting by trying to play this guessing game. The best way to get clarity is to create the situation that YOU desire. Then if it works out, you have your answers, if it doesn’t, you have your answers….right??? Hopefully this gives you some food for thought. I know her type so well as I used to be one of them. My heart goes out to her if I am right about her playing games. It’s hard to go through the dating world when the very foundation of your self esteem has been ruined by fathers, brothers, male role models. I truly wish for the best outcome! I would love to hear what ends up happening!


    arris524
    Participant
    August 26, 2014 at 7:43 pm #60186
    Reply To: I can't seem to figure her out

    just ask her out

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