July 14, 2017 at 1:55 pm #142156
Hi every one.well I’ve got myself into a bit of a predicament which I feel absolutely terrible about. I started seeing a guy at the start of march, we had been friendly for a good number of years, and spoke a lot over text etc.he has always pursued me for a number of years so after a number of bad relationships I decided to start dating him. I have been helping him lately through a tough time as his dad is terminally Ill so I am always there to talk to. He has been great to me up until now , he’s kind caring buys me gifts etc and really shows he cares and says he is falling for me. and we know each other really quite well by now. We are just back from a trip to London that he booked a few weeks back as a surprise for me. At first I was unsure as I told him I wanted to go slowly but I enjoy spending time with him so we went to London together. I had an absolutely great time and we get on so well but much as I tried I just couldn’t feel that ‘spark’ with him. I have been….tbcJuly 14, 2017 at 1:59 pm #142158
… cont…. hoping it would develope but I am starting to feel like maybe all I like him is friends. I love spending time with the guy we have a great laugh and I love his company, but when it comes to sexual or physical stuff I clinch up. Do you think this will come and I am just being silly? I feel horrible, he has just taken me on a lovely trip , how could I let him down now ? I feel like a terrible person. Plus with his dad Ill and him putting so much hope and effort into the relationship to make it all perfect to me I’m worried what this would do to him. It’s killing me inside. I don’t want to lose his friendship. Advice welcome !July 14, 2017 at 5:25 pm #142245
if you’ve been having sex with him and it’s just not there and not tingling you (the thought of having sex with him) – then it’s just not there. sorry to say. and your best and only correct thing to do is to let him know and apologize and be there for him to mourn until he gets over it. (Meaning.. when you let him know.. i don’t mean to support his mourning of you for the next year lol). Be a FRIEND to him when you break it to him.
My last gf was beautiful, perfect, I loved her so much and was convinced she as “the one”. Everything i ever wanted. EVen physically attractd to each other like crazy. But.. the sex.. WAS.. HORRIBLE! No spark! Our “connection” was just not there no matter how hard we wanted it to be and tried.
it means we were meant to be something other than a romantic, long-term couple. Hell, we can’t even be FWB’s if we wanted!
It was depressing but it was what it was. Sounds the same for you and this guy.July 14, 2017 at 5:27 pm #142248
btw.. you MIGHT lose his friendship but you NEED to be honest with him and set him free. That’s the cost of getting selfish and agreing to accept his affections at a time you needed it and sorta knew you nver had a “thing” for him.
That was a bit selfish and thus now you need to be sefless if you TRULY care about him legitimately – and let him know and be willing to lose his friendship.
That’s what a truly “caring” person would do for him. A true friend to him. Anything else would be using him and selfishness on your part. (aka.. meaning you are not a true friend to him)
CompletelyGoneParticipantJuly 14, 2017 at 11:31 pm #142259
I understand how you are feeling, but the worst thing that you can do to him now is give him false hope. Just as richiro said, I think that if you do not honestly tell him how you view the future of this relationship,as only friends, you would be stringing him along and when you end up officially ending the relationship down the road he would be even more invested and his downfall would be worse than cutting it off now.
evn95ParticipantJuly 17, 2017 at 1:25 pm #142349
You just have to be honest with him and yourself. If you cringe when he touches you and don’t want to be intimate then the relationship wont work out. A certain amount of chemistry is NECESSARY in any intimate relationship and there’s nothing you can do if its not thereJuly 18, 2017 at 9:41 am #142415
Thank you all for your advice. The last thing I want to do is string him along. I am struggling so bad it’s the guilt of this and have been in a bad state for a few days, feeling upset etc. . How could I be such a horrible person to let down someone who likes me so much and has done so much for me and been so kind as to book a trip away etc as a surprise? He has his family all expecting to meet me soon and has told them this relationship is for good and has moved so fast with it all , how can I possibly let so many people down? How do I go about letting him down gently, after all I love spending time with the guy we hVe a great time it’s just it’s only in a friends way for me but I do like his company.
I am fighting with myself inside over this and I’m getting so stressed out. Am I silly to be letting someone so nice go over the fact there isn’t a chemistry?
Thank you all for taking the time to reply xJuly 18, 2017 at 12:47 pm #142475
believe it or not you’re donig him a favor by being honest.
you gave it an honest try, it didn’t work out. the worst thing that can happen to any of us in life is to find out our lives weren’ really what we thought and soembody was lying to us for years or decades.
he may be angry or hurt initiially.. but honesty int he end is always appreciated over dishonesty. You know this is true because in the end its what YOU’D want him to do for you if the roles were reversed.
Set him free and he has a chance at happiness and fulfillment.
Hide and keep him and he never will (nor will you).
And tha’ts far much worse to do to him than telling him the truth. Get over it and tell him now – the sooner the better. because the longer you keep this up, the worst it will be when you break it off. don’t do that to him either just b/c you feel bad and don’t want to look bad – that would be additional selfishness.July 18, 2017 at 12:53 pm #142478
I was totally into this gal I had dated a couple times a couple years or so ago. We had gone out on a few dates and i thought we got along great (she agreed). I finally mustered up the courage to kiss her and we finally kissed.. and it was very nice. She had the bigest smile. I said, “i’ve been meaning to do that a while… does this mean you feel the same way?” She nodded yes with that biggest smile i’ll neer forget. I was in heaven.
2 days later she called to break up with me. I was confused and absolutely hurt. But it was the “best breakup” i’ve ever gone thru because she was understanding and patient. Let me vent and ask whatever. Even agreed to let me call wheneer to talk about it and ask her anything. And I did.
you show understanding. let him get thru it how he needs. and be there for him. but making it always firmly clear it’s over. in other words, be compassionate but honest. I got over this breakup nearly immediately b/c of how she handled it.July 19, 2017 at 8:00 pm #142773
Richiro thanks for your advice. I feel I am stuck and don’t know what to do. His dad is terminally ill and have yet know he probably wo t have too long, although is not too bad just now. I feel he is putting a huge emphasis on our ‘relationship’ and somehow it is keeping him going Though the hard time with his dad. He said to me last week it’s ok I have you to focus on but if I didn’t I wouldn’t be coping so well. I feel given the fact I wanted to take it slow and told him so that this is a huge responsibility on me and I feel so guilty for feeling like I do. How can I break it off with this guy when he feels this way, but at the same time I cannot give him false hope, I would hate to wait to break it off later when his da dis worse ( is know this sounds awful) but it’s a fact. I am not sure what to do. I have a huge response similitude on me because of this and im worrying so much it’s making me feel ill about ending it at such a low time for him 😕
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