Indian+White American:When does a significant other become priority over parents

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Indian+White American:When does a significant other become priority over parents

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    penny27
    Participant
    October 12, 2013 at 12:14 pm #41060
    Indian+White American:When does a significant other become priority over parents

    My boyfriend and I are 24 years old and we have been together for about 4 years and have lived with each other for 2. I am a white American and he is Indian (Born and raised in America while his parents were born and raised in India). We come from 2 different cultural backgrounds and I am starting to realize this more as we grow further into our relationship.

    I am not sure how to approach this subject with my boyfriend or know what I should be thinking about it. My boyfriend is extremely close to his family, as most Indian families are. I love this because I find family very important. However, I do not see our relationship heading in the marriage direction (We do not want to be married at the moment but in 2-3 years I/ we would like to be). I do not feel as if I am high priority in his life when it comes to his family, and at what point in a relationship should this change? I believe when you get married the spouse is priority over your parents and you build your own family (of course parents and siblings hold high importance but they become second).

    For example, when we are having a serious conversation and his parents or sister call he will pick up the phone. If he goes on vacation/ work trip for a week he says he is too busy to set time aside to talk to me on the phone for more than 10 minutes. His parents call him every day and baby him to the point where I don’t feel like he can make adult decisions without his parents aid. When it comes to major decisions he seeks his parents advise and does what they tell him he should do. He doesn’t talk things out with me. His parents want him to provide and take care of them so they don’t have to work (Im not fully on board with this). Their biggest concern is with him making money and they are upset that he has not moved to California where he has had many job opportunities to do so (He is in the tech scene at a startup doing just fine gaining experience). Im afraid they blame me for holding him back, which I am not. I fully support whatever decision he makes.

    Sorry for making this long, but I love his family and I love him. But I think he needs to grow out of this dependency, but in order for him to do this he needs to stand up to his parents and take control of his own life. It seems that when he is with his family they do not place high importance on our relationship which makes him not place importance on it either. For example, he will not say I love you in front of them.

    I feel kind of hurt and I’m not sure how to approach this or what to think because I understand we come from different cultures, but I need more of a commitment in our relationship. I think that we both need to be on the same page as far as what we expect from each other and what we both need. At this point, I don’t want to waste my time if this is how things will always be. So when does a significant other become priority over parents or will this not happen at all? (no he does not want an arranged marriage nor is that a concern). Only positive remarks please! 🙂

    candydude
    candydude
    Participant
    October 16, 2013 at 10:28 am #41270

    Have you told him this yet? I think that after four years together, you’re either his priority or it won’t work out. Sounds like you want it to work out, so you really need to have this serious conversation with him now, and hope his parents won’t interrupt again.

    ghostbusterbill
    ghostbusterbill
    Participant
    October 16, 2013 at 10:37 am #41295

    parents will always have a slightly higher priority if your close with them but if you’re not then he can be top priority. Sometimes people just have to understand that family comes first. Have a long conversation about this. My sister has been going through the same thing with her boyfriend for the past 5 years and it doesnt look like it will change. Yea its annoying but sometimes they are just close with their family. He should be respectful of his time with you though

    kingkoti
    kingkoti
    Participant
    April 11, 2014 at 6:00 pm #47867

    I’m an Indian, and trust me this will go on forever. It’s just love for people who are close to you. He will love you in a similar way even when you’re 60 years old. My parents used to fight over spending time with their parents, leaving me and my sister with other. This is normal in Indian families.
    Although he is talking to his parents, I don’t think they control his decisions. But he should send you texts, and call you often while he is on vacation with his parents.