Is he afraid of ANY commitment?

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Is he afraid of ANY commitment?

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    lil_bitconfused
    Participant
    December 6, 2015 at 8:30 pm #89561
    Is he afraid of ANY commitment?

    I almost feel silly posting here, but I’ve never been more confused about a relationship in my entire life. I guess first some background, I’m 40, recently divorced out of a 10 yr. marriage. I own a successful business. My ex and I ran the business back and forth for 10 years.
    Around the end of July/early August he hired a 25 yr. old guy out of the blue. This guy was Air Force for 4 years, grew up in California/New Mexico moved from S.Carolina (air forces years), to New Mexico with his aunt, then here too my state (in January) with his parents who moved here about 2 years ago. He was in a committed relationship with a girl he says he really truly loved for about a year when he was 19. I have asked him how he knew he loved her at such a young age, and his reply was “because I would have done anything for her”. (Only 1,000 characters are available, so I will finish up in replies to this…sorry..)


    lil_bitconfused
    Participant
    December 6, 2015 at 8:32 pm #89562

    They tried to have a long distance relationship when he left for his first year in the Air Force, ended up splitting up then tried to get back together when she proceeded to tell him about everyone she had slept with and how much fun she had dating other guys while he was gone. He’s told me it hurt him worse than anything he’s ever felt. He’s lived with a few other girls but only for 1-2 months at a time.
    I totally did not like him when my ex hired him at the time. Didn’t pay him one bit of attention. He explained to my ex that he only needed a job until late February because he would be leaving to go to ohio for welding school.(his words- From welding school he is going to travel the world making money doing underwater welding and his goal is to sleep with girls in every country). My ex and I were having major problems and decided to separate mid-August. On August 29th at work, we talked about maybe getting together and having drinks that night at a local bar. (Con’t)….


    lil_bitconfused
    Participant
    December 6, 2015 at 9:06 pm #89563

    We friended each other on FB, and chatted and decided to met at 9 that night, I’d pick him up and we’d hang out..we said as friends only. Although I was his boss. We went to the bar, and long story short, about 15 minutes into it my soon-to-be ex husband showed up, cussed me out and I filed for divorce the next Wednesday . It was all said and done, nov. 24th.
    This guy and I have been dating exclusively since then (aug29) and have become great friends. Since we work together, we are always around each other, cutting up and having fun. Although I am 40, I don’t look it or act it. I’m officially stuck at 27 and refuses to get older. Lotsa times he acts a lot more mature than I do. We have lunch together everyday and he buys us breakfast every morning. My best friend started telling us about 2 weeks into it that we were perfect for each other and she was noticing how we always finished each other’s sentences and how when someone would ask a question, we both answered identically the same


    lil_bitconfused
    Participant
    December 6, 2015 at 9:07 pm #89564

    We friended each other on FB, and chatted and decided to met at 9 that night, I’d pick him up and we’d hang out..we said as friends only. Although I was his boss. We went to the bar, and long story short, about 15 minutes into it my soon-to-be ex husband showed up, cussed me out and I filed for divorce the next Wednesday. It was all said and done, nov. 24th.
    This guy and I have been dating exclusively since then (aug29) and have become great friends. Since we work together, we are always around each other, cutting up and having fun. Although I am 40, I don’t look it or act it. I’m officially stuck at 27 and refuses to get older. Lotsa times he acts a lot more mature than I do. We have lunch together everyday and he buys us breakfast every morning. My best friend started telling us about 2 weeks into it that we were perfect for each other and she was noticing how we always finished each other’s sentences and how when someone would ask a question, we both answered identically the same


    lil_bitconfused
    Participant
    December 6, 2015 at 9:39 pm #89578

    About 3 weeks into it, we were going out on a friday night and he suggested I come to his parents house to pick him up because his parents wanted to met me. They had seen me before at my store when they would stop in to say hi to him or bring him lunch. But they really wanted to met me since we were dating now. Fast forward to now, his parents love me. And his mom and I joke about being BFF. We always spend one weekend night at their house drinking and hanging out, going out to eat with them, playing board games, etc. when he had family in for thanksgiving, I was invited over and he wanted me to met everyone. They refer to me as his girlfriend….
    We’ve both agreed we will never marry and he doesn’t want kids and I won’t have any more. About a month into it, everything shifted from us going out to the bar on the weekends and partying with friends, it went to hanging out at his parents house watching movies,cooking out,swimming and then Saturday night doing the same thing at my place


    lil_bitconfused
    Participant
    December 6, 2015 at 9:49 pm #89579

    We’ve become very close, and when he talks to people about his future now, he always adds, “that’s the plan anyways, but plans change”. We are usually together every other night during the week, then all weekend long. I have a very nice bass boat that we just took out yesterday and as we were leaving the lake, he mentioned that that it’s going to suck that he’s going to be in Ohio for 9 months in the cold and won’t he here to enjoy the boat during the summer.

    What I am So confused about is that he WILL NOT say we are dating, that we are bf/gf and we are in a relationship, nothing. He says he wanted this as ‘friends with benefits” and that he’s not ready for any kind of commitment at all. He absolutely will not admit to having any feelings for me, won’t even say he cares for me on any level. About a month ago, during sex, I admitted that I had fallen in love with him, and something changed at that moment.


    lil_bitconfused
    Participant
    December 6, 2015 at 9:51 pm #89580

    He started doing more things for me, made love to me more passionately, started asking my opinion on more things, overall we became a lot closer.
    He was fussing about his parents one day and said that he’d be so glad when he had a place of his own. So a few days later, I mentioned that my house was plenty big enough if he wanted to move in with me. WOW talk about put on brakes! He didn’t talk to me for 2 days after that(it was a weekend). When we did start talking again, he said I was getting way to involved and that he felt he needed to slow it down. Because that’s not what he wants, that it’s farther into the game than he wants to go. He said he liked the idea of my telling him I loved him at first, but then I mentioned him moving in and he said that’s not even close to happening. After this convo, last weekend, he went to work on Monday. He acted very distant, didn’t flirt with me, nothing.


    lil_bitconfused
    Participant
    December 6, 2015 at 9:53 pm #89581

    on Wednesday evening, I messaged him and told him that I didn’t want any kind of commitment from him, that I had a spare bedroom so I offered it to him, that he wasn’t technically moving in with me, per se. That I just want us back the way we were before he started acting weird. He told me thank you understanding. Thursday morning when he came into work he hugged me like he didn’t want to let me go. And we’ve been wrapped around each other since.

    Is he just terribly afraid of commitment?.. Of any kind.? I’ve always believed you’re actions speak louder than your words, and he shows me each and everyday how much he cares, and that he might actually be falling in love with me. He’s stopped talking about ex’s and I’ve noticed about 2 months ago he stopped commenting about other girls. He hugs me so tight at night when we fall asleep and has admitted that when we have sex, for him it is just bliss, that it’s never felt this way for him before


    lil_bitconfused
    Participant
    December 6, 2015 at 9:53 pm #89582

    He’s the perfect gentleman and is always very considerate of my feelings. He buys me small gifts, and oh gosh the way he looks at me, deep in my eyes..wow. He’s started paying for everything, and even making my plate for me at meals. I told him he didn’t have to tell me that he loved me because his actions speak volumes for him …his reply “you think my dear”. How am I suppose to take that? How in the world can he act so in love with me but at the same time, won’t even acknowledge us as ‘dating’? Why is HE investing so much into this if he says it’s only ‘friends with benefits’?

    I’m so confused! Has anyone been in this situation before?
    All input and perspectives are helpful.
    Thank you,
    Lilbitconfused


    Christy_35
    Participant
    December 7, 2015 at 3:01 pm #89637
    Reply To: Is he afraid of ANY commitment?

    So sorry you are going through this. One thing I learned, if he says it’s FWB, take him at his word. Even if he does or says everything that makes it seem like it’s more. Obviously it’s exclusive, but he’s 25 and planning on moving and traveling the world. Maybe he just needs the space to figure out what he wants. You are more established. I’m sure he wants to stand on his own two feet and not depend on his parents or you for anything. Unfortunately, it will take time for him to get there. Just my thoughts…

    Harry Wilmington
    Harry Wilmington
    Participant
    December 29, 2015 at 4:00 am #90641
    Reply To: Is he afraid of ANY commitment?

    Tough love time:

    He told you from day one (or day whenever) what he wanted with you: a “FWB” situation. So – regardless of all the other actions he’s shown you, you have to remember the actual WORDS he told you, which is that this whole thing is just about you two banging.

    He’s not afraid of commitment; he just doesn’t want it with YOU. He enjoys the sex you two have so he wants to treat you well to keep that going… but again: he already TOLD you that you’re not the one.

    I’m a guy, and I’ve been in this kind of situation before, where I told the girl “it’s only about hooking up.” And this went on and off for 4 years. She was GREAT to have sex with, and even had some relationship qualities I was looking for… but I didn’t want to commit to her, plain and simple. YOU are that girl for HIM.

    If you want a relationship, it’s not going to be with him. He TOLD you what he wants from you, and it’s not for you to be his girlfriend. If this is what you want, u gotta find someone else.