Is it okay to "break up" over email in this situation?


Is it okay to "break up" over email in this situation?

  • Hayley Matthews Hayley Matthews
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    March 2, 2013 at 1:21 pm #24390
    Is it okay to "break up" over email in this situation?

    I met a guy online and have been talking to him through email, phone calls, and texts for about 6 months. He lives about 5 hours away from me. We spent half a day together and got coffee together once. So I’ve met him two times in person. We aren’t in any kind of official dating relationship.

    I’ve come to feel that this guy is just not right for me. He’s into self improvement, which is great. But it’s not so great when he has been encouraging me to try to change who I am. It makes me feel ashamed of myself when I’m with him. I feel that sometimes I have to lie to him about who I am to make myself more worthy.
    Even though his encouragements to help “improve” myself have been kind, I still really resent it.

    The other thing is that I drove 5 hours to go visit him. I had been feeling sick and started feeling really sick on the way to see him. But I met up with him anyway. When I told him I didn’t feel well and that I didn’t want to stay long, he kept making me offers to get me to stay. Things like: “You don’t have to drive home now, you can sleep at my house.” I didn’t feel comfortable with this at all and just wanted to go home. When I told him no, he wouldn’t accept it. He continued to try and get me to stay. This made me feel even more uncomfortable as I kept having to refuse him. He put me in an unpleasant situation. I didn’t want him to think that I was doing this just to get out of spending time with him. I really felt sick. I finally told him that I had to go home because my mother was worried about me (I had called her earlier to tell her I’d made the drive safely).
    After this he let me leave, but I could tell that he was upset and his disappointment/frustration came through as anger.

    Since then there have been other situations that have shown me that he doesn’t handle disappointments well. It’s hard for him to accept them. For these reasons, I don’t want to continue our relationship.

    However, I’m afraid that if I tell him this on the phone, he will put me in another uncomfortable situation in which he won’t accept what I’m telling him. I’m also afraid that I might chicken out of telling him in order to be nice. If I send him an email, I can tell him what I need to say and be honest about how I feel.

    My question is: Is it okay to end this relationship through an email or would it be better to talk to him over the phone since we have met twice?

    Whatever advice you can give me would be great! Thanks!

    March 5, 2013 at 6:06 pm #24661

    I think either way works. You definitely should break it off, the chemistry isn’t there and you shouldn’t torment yourself over the break up because you think you’ll hurt his feelings. I think you’ll feel better if you break it off by using the form of communication you’re most comfortable with. Did you mostly communicate over the phone or email? Did you text at all? Just use that way and be extremely friendly about it. There’s a lot of factors that just aren’t in your favor for this relationship but if you let it go any further you’ll send him mixed signals. Rip off the band aid now.

    March 6, 2013 at 11:56 am #24689

    You seem pretty uncomfortable with this guy. I also agree you need to take care of this sooner than later. I hate to advise it, but a little lie won’t hurt. Saying you’re busy with work and you don’t have time to date are broad enough for another person to just accept without asking twice. Especially with distance between the two of you, I doubt he’ll try to ask too many questions.

    Not sure which dating site you use but also keep in mind if you two are still connected, he’ll see any recent activity and may suspect your actions and call you out. Cover all the bases and then cut off communication with him…

    March 11, 2013 at 7:23 pm #25508

    First of all you can’t “break up” with this guy because, as you said, you are not really in a relationship with him to begin with. If you don’t want to communicate with him any more then just don’t do it. And if he contacts you by e-mail to ask why then just explain it to him. And if you don’t want to talk to him on the phone because you are afraid to confront the issue, than just don’t answer any calls from him. It’s as simple as that. He’ll get the message eventually.
    That being said however, there are some much deeper issues here you need to consider. First of all you should know that anyone who feels deeply ashamed around people who encourage them to better themselves, or who thinks such encouragement is an attempt to “change” them, is someone who is terrified to face their own demons, or to even admit that they exist. Imagine for a moment that you see some guy struggling to walk because he has these heavy lead weights tied to his legs. Then imagine that when you offer to help him cut those weights off he screams “DON’T TRY AND CHANGE ME”! Well you would probably think, and rightly so, that this person has some serious psychological issues that need to be dealt with. After all, cutting the chains that hold someone back in life is not changing them. In fact you can’t actually change “who” a person is, you can only free them from the demons of the past, so to speak, which are actually keeping them from truly being themselves in the present. But our hypothetical guy thinks these weights are actually part of who he is and that he can’t live without them.
    By the way, I’m guessing that the time you got sick was the second time you went to see this guy, and that you really didn’t want to go in the first place but you let yourself get talked into it. I’m also guessing that you felt much less sick on the drive home than on the drive down. Basically I think you are probably so afraid of confronting things in life that you can actually make yourself sick at times. After all most people would not drive 5 hours while sick just to turn right around and drive another 5 hours sick to get home. I mean most people, if really too sick to even stay and talk with a friend, would check into a hotel for the night. By the way, although this guy may or may not have serious issues of his own, there is nothing strange about him not wanting to let you drive another 5 hours home, and offering to let you stay at his place, when you were admittedly so sick. If you both lived near each other and he made the same offer than, yes, it would be inappropriate.