It's been 9 months and …


It's been 9 months and …

  • Hayley Matthews Hayley Matthews
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    March 3, 2013 at 12:37 pm #24396
    It's been 9 months and …

    I have been dating a very, very nice person for 9 months now. We are the same age (we’re both 41), each with a child, tons in common, and both very averse to sharp tempers and yelling. So we’re mellow and sensitive and cerebral (we both have advanced degrees, but he’s somewhat awkward in a nice geeky way bordering on “Sheldon” of Big Bang Theory if that helps form the picture!! …)

    The relationship has been slow and really I thought perfect, but about 4-5 months in we finally had a big talk about past relationships (we’re both divorced) and he told me that right before going out with me, he had a 5 month relationship that was “very intense”. They were making marriage plans and were about to move in together. She was supposed to meet his family and they were making plans for him to meet her family, they were about to get engaged and talking about wedding dates and then conflict hit, their differences emerged, and they didn’t have the foundation to deal with it. And she somewhat abruptly just let him know it was over.

    I basically started dating him 2 months after that (I had seen some of that relationship on facebook, but didn’t quite realize it was that serious). It took 3 months for our first kiss. And we haven’t had sex, but he has started spending the night once each week. And I have met his family, although it was sort of completely unclear in what capacity I was meeting them (but out of town, so it was a really big deal). And I am very close with his young daughter, and our lives are very blended, with our daughters loving each other, etc. We spent last winter holiday with the four of us traveling around, and we have plans to do the same next summer, etc.

    But we have never really had “the talk”. We have never expressed our love or said outright that we see a future. And I don’t actually know why we haven’t had sex. It’s both good and bad, but I don’t know WHY and it seems like I should be part of the plan.

    Things came to a head a few weeks ago when someone he works with said she heard “all about me” when the two of them went to a conference together out of town a year ago (and this was before he and I had even met so I knew she had heard about the prior gf but not me), so he and I had a big talk and he just said he had been very burned by the (impulsive, premature) marriage planning and “that was why” he was moving this so slowly. But he said he feels much more comfortable with me than he did with her and that it was “a nightmare” at least the unraveling. So I felt better at the time, but again can’t shake it. (Did I really need all of that information about their marriage plans? In hindsight I think the details were just more than I needed to know, and have really “blocked” me).

    The big thing for me: since his prior relationship had been all over facebook I saw a lot of excitement and gushing and romance – photos of them at events, expressions of affection and excitement (Happy Valentines day sweetheart!) -But with us there is no expression of love or affectionate names. I’m at the point of thinking that it is difficult to achieve all of the “I love you sweetheart” stuff without sex. (I surprise myself in saying this, but …) And I have to assume that they were having sex. Wouldn’t that explain the excitement without a strong foundation? When he says the relationship was “very intense” and yet they didn’t have that much in common in the end, it must have been a sexual thing, I think. And again, we haven’t had sex. So I realize the answer is right in front of me, but I can’t see it …

    On valentines day I gave him a card that said “I am so happy that I get to spend valentines day with you” and he just LIT UP and came over and hugged me. Is it me? Am I the one not letting him know the depth of my feelings?

    Any thoughts would be very helpful and very appreciated!!

    March 5, 2013 at 10:32 am #24549


    Just to ease your mind about the “other woman,” remember it ended for a reason. You know it was bc it lacked foundation and yes they rushed into things (probably) sex, being so flirtatious and open in public, saying I love you within 6 months and planning a marriage?!?! Look, you are dealing with the man in this case, not the overly attached crazy woman. Who know what her intentions were– who cares, really. Remember why you want to be this man and not why she did.

    As for the guy you’re with, yes he’s a little damaged. Sounds like he might’ve been mesmerized with the idea of marriage and things “seemed” to be ok with the other woman but when shit hit the fan and they were nowhere near compatible, he got scared.

    You came in the picture and I think he learned his lesson to take things slow. The lack of intimacy seems to be your biggest issue. Talk about it. Stop guessing and ask him to be your boyfriend. You need a title so you’re not second guessing his actions. If you let it go too long without getting physically close I personally think you’ll start having trust issues. You don’t feel “wanted” the way you’re used to so you’ll start to doubt him and you’ll probably doubt yourself too. All because you haven’t sat down and talked to him.

    Just because he’s the scarred puppy doesn’t mean you don’t have a say in the choices you make as a couple. Tell him you’re willing to work with him and go slow but all you ask for is some clarity.

    Seems like you two mesh well together it all depends on how understanding he can be. I think after NINE months, it’s time to have that talk.

    March 10, 2013 at 4:47 pm #25389

    If I were you I would be asking myself why things are moving so slow with this guy after 9 months when he was ready to marry his last girlfriend after only 5 months. It sounds suspiciously to me like he is “settling” and you don’t want to be on the receiving end of that. Furthermore, if a guy has a normal libido, and there is no reason he shouldn’t at only 41, there are only 2 reasons he would put off having sex for so long –assuming he’s not a religious fanatic that is. Either A, he is just not that sexually attracted to you, or B, he knows you are not the one for him in the long run and he feels that by not having sex with you he will feel less guilty when he eventually breaks it off. Well, there is a third possibility but this one usually applies exclusively to women. When women put off sex for a long time its usually because they are terrified of being hurt and they somehow think that this strategy will prevent them from making the same mistakes they made in the past. Of course in truth all it does is scare off all the really worthwhile guys who don’t want to be with someone that fragile. Then some wolf in sheep’s clothing will sneak into her life, being very patient with her because they actually enjoy the challenge. And he will eventually have sex with her and dump her making her even more reluctant to have sex in the future and the whole cycle starts all over again. Of course your guy might indeed have a problem with his libido. The normally insatiable male sex drive can be attenuated by both physiological and psychological factors. The only way to know for sure if he has a problem in that area is to find out what his sex life was like with his last girlfriend. But he is not likely to tell the truth about that even if you ask him and, at the very least, he’ll downplay how good it was with her. By the way, all women need to know that for a man with a normal sex drive, putting off sex is like not eating anything for 3 or 4 days and then sitting down in front of a buffet of your favorite foods and not letting yourself eat a bite. Women can’t understand this because they don’t have a sex “drive” themselves per say but rather they have sexual desires, which are more often than not an extension of the emotional attachment. A “drive” is a command from nature, which must be obeyed, even to the point of risking death. And it also tends to override ones common sense or even their ethics at times. This fact should not be used as an excuse for unethical behavior though. We all always have a choice and we are all ultimately responsible for all our actions. Anyway, back to your problem, to put it bluntly, you basically need to tell this guy to either $hit or get off the pot. And that’s my advice to you.