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chinadollParticipantMarch 15, 2013 at 8:52 am #25994
I’ve been in an LDR relationship for 3 1/2 years now. We have been seeing each other twice yearly for 2 1/2 years. I am divorced, 40 yr old professional with a elementary school aged child. He is divorced & in his 50’s. Here are some of the issues that make our relationship difficult for me:
1. He will not tell me about his children. He openly avoids the subject.
2. He becomes uncomfortable if I tell him I love him, and either giggles and says “ok”, or says nothing at all.
3. He would not tell me his age. I found out when I looked him up in a professional directory in the library, but did not realize this listing would give his DOB. I did admit this to him. He didn’t seem to be upset.
4. He has never invited me to his home.
I usually go to visit him on the West coast. He always plans an excellent vacation and spares no expense. He also accommodates my desires for romantic outings, picnics, ect. On the most recent visit, he actually purchased star viewing grade set of binoculars so we could view stars together. Originally I checked into renting a telescope, but it seemed to be a potential pain in the butt, so I canned the idea. He bought the binoculars because he said I sounded very disappointed. Last year when I completed my degree, he got up at 6am his time, to watch my graduation via the net at 9am my time; we texted the whole time, so it was like he was right there with me. A few weeks before graduation, I came to work to find a dozen red roses waiting for me, with a card congratulating me and telling me he was proud of me. These are just a few of the things over the past couple of years. He’s has always been available, especially during any of my “emergencies”. We have both discussed that each time we are together, it just gets better and better. We talk on the phone 5-6 nights per week, when we haven’t fallen asleep on each other…. LOL. We also have been having phone nookie, which has NEVER become old over the past 3 years. He always uses credit cards, on our trips for big items like dinner cruises and cabin rentals; cash is used for small purchases and food usually.
Before I went to meet him the first time, I felt compelled to gather info on him, because I was afraid he may be married. I did find out he has an ex wife who resides VA. I also found that he has 3 children, plus 1 possible other child they may be from a previous relationship. The youngest child is 19. He also had a step daughter from his marriage. She is a few years younger than me. Apparently his ex-wife had her during her teen years, before he came along.
My gut tells me that he may have had crappy experience with women in his past. I asked him a while back what his longest gf was since he’s been dating, which is about 2 years.
Should I continue being patient? Could he just be a really slow mover, or just a commitment phobe?
I am in love with him, but I’ve decided to stop telling him because it does make him uncomfortable. I will also stop throwing playful hints of permanency to him, because when I asked him tonight, he admitted that he sometimes thinks I’m getting too serious. Am I? Can anyone see why I’m soooooo confused??
I am really looking for older respondents, preferably over 30/40 years old. Tell me your thoughts.
Thanks all!!! 🙂
slobeachboyParticipantMarch 15, 2013 at 11:40 am #26000
Do I really have to spell this one out for you? WAKE UP AND SMELL THE COFFEE!! As I’ve said in a previous post, if a relationship is long distance for more than a year or so its because one of the two parties wants it to remain that way, usually the man. After 3 years of dating he should either know that you’re the only one for him, in which case he would have found a way for both of you to be living in the same city, or he just wants a casual relationship which leaves him open to pursue other options. Basically he’s stringing you along. There are extremely rare instance where a very committed couple must remain apart for long periods, say because they both have work or school commitments that cant be broken, and everything works out fine in the end, but this is NOT one of those cases – far from it.
Furthermore, long distance issue aside, you shouldn’t have to do detective work to find out that you boyfriend of 3 years has kids and an ex-wife. If you don’t even know his most basic personal detail after 3 years then something is very, very, wrong.
Let me tell you a little story. About 8 years ago I started dating a women, who just prior to out meeting, was in the exact same situation as you. Coincidentally she is also Asian and was also 40 at the time. Anyway she had been in a long distance relationship with this guy for 7 long years until she found out that the whole time he had been dating another women (also Asian). He was located in Florida and She lives in Vancouver, Canada. Of course when she told me about his cheating my reply was “of course he was”. I really couldn’t believe her stupidity at throwing away the best years of her life on some guy who even I could tell with 100% certainty never had any intention of making a commitment to her. By the way, I heard from her all the same stories you are telling us about how attentive and romantic he was toward her. In fact he took it to a whole level above and beyond what your boyfriend is doing for you. She even met his parents on numerous occasions.
Unfortunately, even though I was very much into this women it didn’t last long. The last time she came down to California to see me I could tell from her behavior that she had started seeing someone else (I can always see right through people). I never did find out who it was but I suspect that she somehow let herself get talked into seeing her old boyfriend again, as pathetic as that may seem. She was so head over heals in love with him that I wouldn’t put it past her. The point is there is no limit to how utterly stupid people can be when they think they are in love.
Anyway, I have a firm rule about long distance relationships. Either both parties admit that it’s just a casual thing, or you find a way to live in the same city within 2 years. After that you just move on, NO EXCUSES!
Of course I realize that there is not much point in telling you all this. You are always going to hang on to some shred of hope that this guy really loves you and that he is committed to you, and that will keep you from realizing what is painfully obvious to the rest of us. Or maybe it will take you catching him with another women, like my friend did, to finally say, “enough is enough”.
Anyway take off the blinders. There are plenty of fish in the sea but your not getting any younger so you can’t afford to waste any more of you’re youth on a guy who wont commit.
slobeachboyParticipantMarch 15, 2013 at 12:14 pm #26004
By the way, I’m sorry about the numerous typos in my previous post but it was too late to edit by the time I noticed them. It should be fairly obvious what I meant to type though.
ciaradanceParticipantApril 1, 2013 at 10:06 am #27358
I worry that he was not able to reply to your loving statements. That is a bad sign after 2.5 years of time together, albeit not really together which is the problem with LDRs. He also is keeping you even further distanced by not having you to his home, not introducing you to his family, basically not inviting you into his world. You are still young and I think looking for a partner in your area would be more satisfying.
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