Liking a coworker

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Liking a coworker

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  • Hayley Matthews Hayley Matthews
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    olaa
    Participant
    December 23, 2014 at 9:52 pm #69577
    Liking a coworker

    We are like good friends and know each other since 6-7 months. 2 months back I broke up with my girl friend and she knows it. I am texting this girl before my break up. She also knew that things were not going good between me and my girl friend. 2 months after my break up, I have started developing feeling for this new girl. I don’t know her properly but she is very sincere and honest. She is 5 years younger than me. I used to smoke but I left. She knows it and appreciates much. Once she was very frustrated and I took her to a movie. She was very happy. After that I tried to go out with her several times but some or other genuine issue came. I give her own space and don’t chase too much. She talks a lot with other people in office but she also finds time to talk with me separately. After office time we text a lot. When I returned from my recent vacation, I told her that “I was missing her” and she said “its too much, its a big deal” and she changed the topic.


    olaa
    Participant
    December 23, 2014 at 9:58 pm #69578

    Follow-up :

    She changed the topic to some usual office talk. She is yet to come to office and I am yet to see if there is any change in her behavior. In case she changes her behavior towards me, what I am supposed to do. Right now she is in travel. So no texts so far. I am a bit tensed. is she not texting me because she is in travel or she is ignoring me.
    Also am I moving too fast towards her after my break up. Am I creating my image as a guy who hops from one girl to another. She sometimes teases me a lot by quoting other girls in office and I do the same. She is a bit shy type.

    I need some help in order to be myself in this case and not to chase her if she is not interested. Also I don’t want to spoil the friendship.

    dmj106
    dmj106
    Participant
    December 23, 2014 at 10:21 pm #69581

    First off, I don’t believe that you are moving too fast. It seems that you and your coworker have had a pretty friendly relationship for a while, which has helped with building a deeper connection. However, from personal experience with this issue, I believe she’s making it clear that she may not look at you as more than just a work friend. The only girl I have ever actually gone out with was a coworker who I developed a great connection with. We went out on 3 dates together, and then it suddenly stopped. She still remained very friendly and kind because that’s the type of person she is, but I could tell the connection was gone. While I thought things were great, I was apparently wrong. I tried to get another date with her, but it never happened. Shortly thereafter, she entered a true relationship with someone else and it was over. We are still friends, which is great, but I’d still love to have more. I fear this is what’s happening here with you. In my opinion, she’s moved on. It’s

    dmj106
    dmj106
    Participant
    December 23, 2014 at 10:22 pm #69582

    certainly not your fault. I just feel that she may be afraid of a bigger commitment and didn’t want to ruin a good thing with you, so she decided to stay just friends. Hopefully that helps?


    olaa
    Participant
    December 24, 2014 at 12:37 am #69584

    Ok. So what shall i do. Do i have chances or shall i move on. I am afraid that i wont be able to be myself. I don’t want to feel her ignored. Also she is not my coworker, but she works under me and i am her boss. Is there a way to ask what she wants between us. I am ready for the right way even if it is painful. But if there is some chance or ray of hope, i willing to pursue that also.

    dmj106
    dmj106
    Participant
    December 24, 2014 at 10:12 am #69586

    It might be worth one more follow-up or so. Just be completely honest with her. Let her know that you really like and appreciate your relationship together, but you don’t want her to feel like she has to get more involved if she doesn’t want to. If she expresses an interest in taking it further, then you can pursue a deeper connection. If she says that she is content where she is now or maybe doesn’t want any more, then you can take the steps to draw back and let her have her space. The last thing you want to do is to make things awkward between the two of you, especially since you work together. While it may not be ideal, being friends with her isn’t the worst case scenario. I’m still friends with the girl from my story, and I’m glad that’s the case. Would I like to have more with her? Sure, but it’s gotta be right for the both of you. Hopefully this helps!


    olaa
    Participant
    December 24, 2014 at 11:33 am #69588

    Thanks for the suggestion. But here is a quick update. We texted a lot in evening. I felt a bit relaxed. I brought some earrings for her. But she texted me back that,”to be frank I dont like gifts”.
    So its a clear sign right that I shall move on.

    dmj106
    dmj106
    Participant
    December 24, 2014 at 2:05 pm #69591

    Oh geez :/ Well that would indeed appear to be a sign that she isn’t ready or at least isn’t looking for more right now. Unfortunately, like you said, I think it’s a sign to move on.


    olaa
    Participant
    December 24, 2014 at 5:26 pm #69595

    I got your point. So is there any need to follow-up with, as you said, “Just be completely honest with her. Let her know that you really like and appreciate your relationship together, but you don’t want her to feel like she has to get more involved if she doesn’t want to.”

    I messaged her that it is perfectly fine if she cannot accept gifts from me. She replied back that, its not from me particular but from all of her friends. I messaged back and tried to make her feel that I dint feel bad.

    Also I need some help in how to be myself when I see her next. Fortunately I haven’t gone so far in the path so recovery will be easy I guess.

    dmj106
    dmj106
    Participant
    December 24, 2014 at 11:53 pm #69603
    Reply To: Liking a coworker

    Personally, I really think it’s an ultimate no-go. Just from what I’ve heard about her on here, it really seems like she would prefer having things left where they are. However, if you do really like her, you shouldn’t live with regrets (believe me, that’s the worst). You should have that talk if and only if you really do care for her. Just say that she has sent some mixed signals as of late and that you would just like to know where you stand. You have the RIGHT to know where you stand with her. If she isn’t truly interested for whatever reason, just tell her to let you know. Waiting around for something that she isn’t committed to just doesn’t do anybody any good. Give it a one last attempt type of conversation, and from there determine what your next steps are.

    As for being yourself, that will become clearer once you’ve had that conversation with her. If it’s ultimately a no, I’d lay off of the conversations a little bit until she’s had some time to feel comfortable herself.


    olaa
    Participant
    December 25, 2014 at 12:20 am #69604
    Reply To: Liking a coworker

    Shall I converse over text. I am more comfortable with that as of now. And I don’t want to do this in office. And I am not sure if she will go out with me somewhere. I Really appreciate your replies and they are calming me down.


    olaa
    Participant
    December 25, 2014 at 3:08 am #69605
    Reply To: Liking a coworker

    Ok so she told me that she never thought me more than a friend. I am happy that things are clear now before it was too late. Now tomorrow I have to face her in office and also she has to face me. I am feeling a bit awkward. I told her that dont get your work affected because of all this. She replied that I depends how I behave with her.
    Shall I continue teasing, poking with her. She is still texting me as she used to do. I think she is trying to make me not feel bad, is it? I am also trying to reply her as I used to do normally so that she doesn’t feel strange. I hope everything goes normal. My only concern is texting thing. Surprisingly I don’t have any regret. I just have to pass 5-6 months then I will go for my PhD 🙂 and everything will be more than normal.
    I appreciate your replies very much.


    olaa
    Participant
    December 25, 2014 at 9:40 am #69583

    I hope you are true. So what shall i do. I don’t know how to move on without getting much pain to myself as well as not making her feel ignored. Will there be any chance with her without stressing much. I will keep you updating whatever happens.

    dmj106
    dmj106
    Participant
    December 25, 2014 at 11:02 am #69608
    Reply To: Liking a coworker

    Well the hardest part of this is over, which is all because of you, so nice job! It’s better to know and try to move on than it is to never know but leading yourself onto something that isn’t going to happen. For now, I would lay off of the poking fun/teasing element to the relationship. Keep it very professional for a while and that way you can kind of ease back into things being normal. I fear that if you just jump right back into the stuff you did before that you may make her feel somewhat awkward moving forward, which will ultimately make you feel awkward.

    And no problem! I’m glad I could help.


    olaa
    Participant
    December 25, 2014 at 1:46 pm #69610
    Reply To: Liking a coworker

    My god, good that I saw your recent reply. I was thinking to continue the poking and fun/teasing elements with her in order to not feel awkward.
    Luckily I have enough professional stuffs to maintain the relationship professional. On text I will make sure I am talking office stuff most of the time. That will be OK right ?

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