Love at the time of tinder? Need help!

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Love at the time of tinder? Need help!

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  • Hayley Matthews Hayley Matthews
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    Earldevere
    Participant
    January 13, 2015 at 1:34 pm #70450
    Love at the time of tinder? Need help!

    Hello Internet community, I wanted to share my ‘love’ story with you and seek some advice. I also hope this will at some point end up being useful for someone else. Hope you’re armed with patience because it’s going to be a bit of a read. It’s what I would call a modern ‘love’ (if indeed we can use this word) story because of the media through which it developed. So let me start from the very beginning. Last summer, I decided to get tinder on my phone; why did I do it? I’ve never had any difficulties with women: I’m a good-looking (tall and athletic – practice a lot of sport – with Nordic features) 22 years old guy in my last year as an undergrad student. As a matter of fact I’ve been in few long relationships and had a decent amount of other occasional encounters (part of the university-life goody bag I guess). So I did not get tinder to get love, but to see what all the fuss was about, as many of my team and course mates had it. I got a few hundred matches, and talked to many girls, although none of them really caught my interest. Then, in late October, I matched a beautiful girl, a little older than me, with which conversation came easy, because of something we had in common; soon conversation moved on to other matters, and we decided to go out on a date. We decided to have a drink or two in a popular part of the city, full of pubs and clubs. The moment I saw her, I realised how beautiful she was; she looked even better than in her photos (in which she anyway looked stunning). The date went very well, we had a good time and found out we had lots in common (we practiced the same sport, and even thought Led Zeppelin were the best band ever). We left each other with a kiss on the cheek and a promise to meet again the week after, to go ice-skating and then have a meal out. Things were going great, we texted every day for a few hours, and for the first time in a long time (I developed a sort of emotional apathy after breaking up with my first girlfriend five years ago) I was starting to feel a kind of happiness I never felt before whenever I saw her name popping up on the display of my phone. Two days before the date, she asked me if I would like to go see a movie with her the night before we were meant to meet, to which I obviously agreed, and so we did. I didn’t enjoy the film very much, but enjoyed having her on my side for almost three hours. I did not however hold her hand or anything, fearing that I would scare her off (yes, I actually got so into her that I lost all the confidence that usually came so easy when I wanted to hook up with someone in other situations), and after the movie we went for a drink. I was getting signals of attraction from her side (she constantly checked on her hair, caught her looking at my lips, and even held my arm while walking to the pub), but somehow I was telling myself I should have waited for the third date before making a move. Again, I kissed her goodbye on the cheek thanking her for the good night, and we exchanged a text a few minutes later. Now, I spent the whole journey home and the night fantasising about us being together, and felt that kind of happiness that makes you feel invincible. The next day was a bit of a disappointment, as we had to postpone the date, because she was feeling unwell. We did not talk much over the weekend, but after a few days we started to talk again, and we scheduled another date the following Friday. We texted the whole week and I soon forgot about being flaked on some days before. The day of the date, just when I was about to start getting ready, I got a text that killed my happiness: she basically told me that she had too little time for me, seen the amount of other commitments that she had (sport, her degree, applying for jobs etc.), and that she regretted that very much seen how well we got along; although she enjoyed the thought of seeing me, she could not afford all the distractions that come with dating and so on. I texted her back saying I understood and that I appreciated her honesty. Needless to say, that hit me like a car. I precipitated from being ecstatic to depressed, and for a few days I did not go out or talk to anyone. A few weeks passed, and there was not a day in which I did not think about her (kind of crazy because I only really saw her twice, but somehow built up a lot of feeling because of the continuous texting – thusly why I call this a ‘modern’ emotional exchange). Finally, one morning, I woke up to find that she had ‘liked’ something I posted on Facebook. Now, I am perfectly aware that I sound ridiculous, but again, seen the era we live in, I interpreted it as a ‘text me’ sign. Which I did, casually asking how she was; I did not expect a reply, as I had interpreted what she had told me two weeks earlier as ‘you’re a sweet guy but I really am not interested in you’. To my surprise, she seemed very happy to hear from me, and we began to talk again like some weeks before. I did not however want to ask her out, because I feared another rejection and I did not want to ruin this ‘texting relationship’ we had just reinstalled. I could obviously not believe it myself when she asked me to meet the coming Friday! We agreed to having an indoor date: I would cook for her and we would watch a film afterwards. Sounded great, I was once again the happiest guy on earth, thinking this time she would not, she could not, cancel or flake. Well, I was wrong, the day before what could have been the happiest day of my life so far, she texted me saying she could not make it, explaining a traumatic experience (I do not want to disclose any more information – let’s just say it’s something very bad) she had had a few years ago, that made her feel tremendously guilty about dating. This is why she had wanted to stop seeing me weeks before, and although she said she tried to date me, she could not manage it. For the second time in a month I was struck by a sense of deep unhappiness, made even worse by the thought that there was nothing I could do at this stage. The date was clearly cancelled, although the next day she asked me to meet ‘as friends’ on the Sunday (the day after) because I was going away for a month from Monday, to see what it would feel like to try and see each other again. I agreed to that, but on the very day she advised she had an unexpected family visit, thus making it impossible for us to meet. I left the day after with the intention to forget her, and for a few days I replied as little as possible to her texts. I think what I felt for her did however prevail, because soon I was back texting her and feeling fulfilled with happiness whenever I heard from her, and ended up spending the holidays with her in mind. All this until one day I realised that things were not going anywhere (I hinted at meeting when I’d get back and she ignored that), and stopped replying. On New Year’s Eve I received her wishes, and she asked me how I was, to which I replied with a very short message, many hours later. I felt a bit guilty, so I asked her how her week had been, but no reply ever came. After three days, I decided I had had enough and this whole story was driving me nuts, so I deleted her number and deleted her from Facebook, to fight off the temptation of going onto her profile every now and then. So I didn’t hear for around ten days, when all of a sudden, she texted me. We since then exchanged a few texts, she asked me if I was back in the country, and I asked her how her studies are going. What does she want from me? What should I do? Whenever I try to ignore her she seems to be looking for my attention, but I know that if I keep talking for a few more days I will fall straight back into this, and screw my mind up. Normally I’d think she’d just be fishing for attention but the fact she opened herself with me revealing what her problems were made me think that she was somewhat different. I don’t have much time (dissertation deadline coming up, essays, part-time job I work on the weekends, and four training sessions a week with my sports team), so I should be extra careful not to spend much time thinking of this – writing this thread alone has taken away the best part of the afternoon. And yet, I like her so much I can’t stop thinking of her, and even dreamt of her last night after she texted me. This said, I am not anymore interested in a texting relationship, as although in this case it all started off a social network, I still prefer ‘real’ interaction. Any advice? Is it crazy to lose it for someone I basically met online, and that I only ‘really’ met twice? Honestly, I basically know her through virtual communication, and I am not sure whether this is an incredibly sad thing or just part of the world we are now living in.Hope someone has actually read the whole thing, and it wasn’t too boring/terrible a read. Thanks guys, and Happy New Year to everyone too.

    • This topic was modified 2 years, 9 months ago by  Earldevere. Reason: Missing parts

    Anonymous
    January 14, 2016 at 9:14 pm #91709

    Listen…gonna be straight here. RUN!!! I know you feel this strong connection but it is all based on fantasy! What evidence do you have to support all your feelings except that almost every time you try to meet with her SHE CANCELS!!! Then she pulls you back in, then she disconnects, then pulls you back in, then disconnects….over and over and over. There is nothing to do except let her go if you care at all about how you are treated! She has no respect or care for you truly. If she did, she wouldn’t be playing these games. AND THEYAREGAMES!!!! It does not matter what happened to her in her past. I have plenty of stories, like most people, but I work out my issues so I do not carry that baggage and dump it on the next guy, because I care how I affect people. I used to do what she is doing and I will tell you I had no respect for men back then. I wanted their attention and new how to always draw them back in for a “fix”. Lots of low self esteem back then. RUN AWAY!!!